W A N D A x N A T A S H A - R E D

46. She loves me either way

POV Natasha

Words can't describe how deeply ashamed I am. The stinging pain of shame won't leave my stomach. As I keep asking myself the same questions over and over again. How could I be so stupid to act like that? How could I be such an idiot.. I promised Wanda to do better, I promised her to be the perfect version of myself. But I fucked up. Again.

Thinking back at yesterday I remember a feeling so lost. So immensely lost and alone. I can carry a lot, but even for me this is too much. I can't believe I'll never see Clint again. I can't believe I will never talk to him again, never be there for him or laugh with him or fight with him. My best friend and my family, I lost it. After that realization, my only option was this. Misbehave. I didn't want to feel anything anymore. I didn't want to feel that empty pain inside of me anymore. I was weak, and I needed to be strong. And I feel so angry with myself because of that.

'Hey..' Wanda says as I walk out of the bathroom, the steam of the shower with me. She leans against the wall next to the kitchen, her arms crossed. 'How are you feeling?'

Ashamed. Tired. Angry. Sad. Depressed.

'I'm okay.' I tell her while I walk to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water out of the refrigerator. 'Glad to see you slept some hours..' she says.

Her words make me think back at last night. It was 6 in the morning when Wanda helped me in bed. I was a complete mess. I couldn't think straight anymore, my head was tangled up. The world was upside down and I lived somewhere beyond that. My body tingled, my limbs trembled. My head spinned, my eyes were dizzy and my legs weak.

I remember how my cheek touched the soft fabric of my pillow, and how I fell asleep after I felt the body of Wanda against my back. Her warm hands comforting around my stomach. Her soft lips kissing my cheek. I remember how she whispered in my ear how she loved me and how everything's going to be okay.

I sigh and notice how I'm staring longer at the contents of the refrigerator than I have to. I'm afraid to look her in the eye. Afraid to turn around and face her. I'm so ashamed after yesterday.

'Yes..' I say soft. I sigh and close the door. For a couple of seconds I hold the handle while I think again about last night. The shamefull feeling living inside of my stomach, as it built a house to live there.

I swallow when I think back at how Wanda came looking for me in the middle of the night. How I screamed at her. How I flirted with a man in front of her. How I snorted some dangerous drugs after she warned me. How she needed to save me after some man assaulted me. I treated her so disrespectfully. I need to be ashamed of myself so deeply.

I take a deep breath to prepare the words I'm about to speak. 'Wanda..' I begin while still holding the handle. 'We should break up.' My wet hair sticks in my neck while I turn around to face her.

'I'm sorry?' She says while frowning.

'I can't do this anymore, Wanda. I don't deserve somebody like you.' I tell her while I walk by her, to the living room.

Wanda turns around while looking at me. In her eyes I can see how she thinks about my words.

'You remember what I told you once? That I would hurt you eventually?'

Wanda nods.

'That happened way too much already, so we better put an end to this before I make you more unhappy.' I feel how it hurts. But even though it hurts, I know this is for the best.
She deserves a woman that is stabile, that she doesn't have to worry about. She deserves to be happy and she can't be happy with me.