W A N D A x N A T A S H A - R E D

21. Chaos

POV Wanda

I run through the tall grass. Open my hands and float in the air.
I come down the moment I see the trees standing together again.

My feet land on the ground. I feel my eyes still being red. I look at my hands.

Chaos. I'm chaos.

I stand between the darkness of the wood. I hear the rain clatter softly on the leaves.

'What's wrong with me..' I whisper staring at my hands. 'What is wrong with me?'

I think about Natasha. The way she told me 'No' makes me clench my fist again.

But why can't we just talk? instead of playing this dominance game every time.
It's my fault. I started.

I run my hands through my hair, I walk forward and than again backwards.
I think about the blond woman. Her sister. She mentioned her sister before once, the evening when she made me dinner. They didn't really looked a like. Never guessed that it was her sister. The moment the woman told me that, I was in shock.

I sigh. I think about the words Steve told me. That it was better to not look for her, that she hates it when people interfere in her private life.
And here I'am, not listening to a word he said. But I couldn't wait. I couldn't simply wait there until she comes back.

-

It's 7am when I enter the compound. Sam's frowning at me the moment I walk in.
'Where did you come from?' He questions.
'Doesn't matter..' I say when I walk past him.

When I enter my room I sit down on my bed. I need to think. Need to process what  just happened.

-
The next morning I have breakfast with Clint. He heard from Sam I came home at 7 this morning.

He smiles when he asks: 'Seeing your face, I guess it was real fun to find Natasha?'
I roll my eyes. I don't feel like talking right now.
'No, it wasn't.'

'Did you talk?' He asks while drinking his coffee.
I think about what we did instead of talking. Ashamed I look back at my behavior.
'It wasn't much talking. But she's safe. She's with her sister.'
Clint frowns. 'Oh.. I knew she had a sister. But she never really talks about her..'

I nod.
'Listen..' Clint says. 'I'm sorry for what I said. I was really mad at her, but it wasn't my intention to made you feel less about Natasha. She can be tough, but she's an amazing person.' He says.

I nod again as I look away.
'You don't believe me?' He asks.
'I don't feel like talking much.' I say and I stand up.
I see Steve entering the room.
'Everything okay?' He asks while he sees my face.
I ignore him.

Clint stands up too. 'Look, let me help you.'
'I don't want your help.' I say while I turn around. 'Did she made you angry? Just talk to me.'
'Yes, she made me angry Clint. And you know why?'
He tilts his head a little. 'Tell me.'
I don't care anymore. So I just tell him.

'Because she isn't able to just communicate with me, Clint. She just tells me 'No' when I ask her if she's happy to see me. That she tells me to go, even when I drove for like three hours to see her. I know she don't asked me to come look for her. I know, I know that Clint. But every normal person would just talk to me. Just tell me what's going on.' I rant angry while I feel my eyes burning, and not of magic, it's the tears who wants to come through.
But I don't want to cry. I try to swallow them away. But those angry tears are tough to let disappear.

'I get it.' Clint says softly. 'You have every right to be mad. What did you tell her?'
I see Steve looking at me worried. I'm frustrated by his presence and I don't know why.

I look away while I angrily think back at what I did to her. And when I think back about it, the same feeling arises in my body.
'You want to share it?' Clint asks.
Angry I look at Clint. His questions irritate me, his way of speaking frustrates me.
I feel my body getting warm of anger again.

'You really wanna know what I did?' I say when I raise my voice.
Clint nods, his face a little confused of my behavior.
I come closer when I say: 'I grabbed her Clint..'
I come one step closer as I say: '..pushed her against the wall.'
An evil grin appears on my face when I stand before him. '..You know how she begged me.' I say with a whispery voice.

Clint frowns. Looks at me weird when I speak the words.
'..Begged me to hurt her. Begged me to fuck her.'
I raise my brow when I smirk. I whisper in his ear: 'And I didn't stop until I had too.'
I turn around and leave the room. I leave Clint behind with a confused look on his face.

'Wanda?' Steve asks while I enter the corridor.
'Don't. Steve!' I yell.

I'm so angry.

-

An hour later I'm in the shower. The restless feeling disappeared the moment I felt the hot water on my skin. I think back at my conversation with Clint.
I feel so ashamed. What is wrong with me to tell him that? I feel my stomach hurt when I think about the words I spoke to him, how I think back at how Steve looked at me.

They must thing I'm completely mad. They must think of me of the biggest weirdo who has ever lived. But I don't get myself together.

This woman, Natasha.
She makes me feel things I'd never felt my whole life. She makes me angry, while she makes me happy. My stomach dances in hundred different ways when I see her, but at the same time she let the tears stream down on my face.

I hate her, but I love her. And her being gone, her being rejecting me makes me so insanely mad. That I don't know how to deal with that.

My only answer is anger. My only answer is dominating her. It feels so good to have control over her, to see her face being frozen by the look of my evil eyes. I know what those eyes do with her and I enjoy it the moment I feel her fear against my body. It's the only time I have control over her, the only time she listens to me.

But after that, I feel ashamed. I'm no better than her. I can't communicate either. I'm broken, just like her.

With my wet hair I sit on the bed. I frown when I hear knocking on the door.
Steve stands before me when I open it.
'Look, I'm not here to talk about what happened.' He says when he sees my face. 'I want to ask you something.'

I let him in. 'Before you start asking me, I want to say that I'm sorry about what happened.' I feel awkward when I think about what I told them.
'It's okay. Natasha can be tough sometimes. I get why you're angry. Don't worry. Things will be better for the both of you.' Steve says.

I nod. Satisfied with his answer.

He comes closer. 'We have a lead on Emerald, you know the man with the beard. The boss of Emma.'
I nod.
'Go on..' I say while I grab a glass from the kitchen.

'He's last seen in Amsterdam. Tomorrow morning we'll have a meeting to discuss when we leave and how we're gonna catch the guy. I want you there too.' Steve says.
I nod. 'I'll be there.'