W A N D A x N A T A S H A - R E D

18. Find me

POV Wanda

'Did anyone see Nat?' I ask while I enter the space Bruce is always working in.
Clint looks at me. ' After this, I'll talk to you about Nat.' He says while pointing at Bruce.
I don't feel like talking with him much. Our last conversation wasn't something I enjoyed much.

'So..' Bruce shows the silver plate that was in the neck of Emma on a screen.
Steve, Clint, Maria and me are looking at it while we stand around the table where Bruce is always working.

Bruce explains what the device was, tells us that the voice came from the plate itself. That the man or somebody else made contact via her brain.

I don't feel myself after Emma killed herself. The voices in my head after that, the uncontrollable way my magic appears, the vague dreams. Her death seems to haunt me, I see her in my dreams. I see the man smiling. See her blue eyes appear.
But I don't tell anybody. I will never tell anybody.

After Bruce is done with talking, Clint walks towards me.

While we together walk in the corridor, he says: 'We had a fight this morning. I was mad at her, because I think she needs to stop ruining everything for herself. She needs to quit the shit she's using and stop hurting you.'
'She's not hurting me Clint.'
He scoffs. 'You don't even have a clue what's happening. Do you think she stops using whenever you ask her? You think she lies next to you sober?'

I don't know what to say. Suddenly I feel naïve. Was I that dumb to think she would randomly stop using after I asked her? Apparently I was.
'Look.' Clint says. 'I don't want to mess with what you guys have together. I just try to help Natasha, because I care for her. And I'm sorry for speaking like this. I don't mean to hurt you or anybody.' He says while he looks forward.

For a second I take my time to think about what he told me.
I have to admit, that maybe he is right. I think of how she kissed Emma. I think about how she kept using drugs a secret, how she lied about it.
I think about the times she ignored me, the times where she wasn't able to talk to me. She warned me, from the start she warned me. I'm gonna hurt you at some point. Is what she told me.

I feel hurt, but I felt that from the beginning. But I also know that I care for her, that I want to be with her no matter how she behaves. I thought since she made me dinner, things were better.

I think about the words she spook, that she's there for me. No matter what happens.
I felt her words, they felt real. They felt like somebody who cared for me. Maybe even loved me..

I nod without sharing any of my thoughts.
'But that doesn't answer my question..' I say when Clint stops at his apartment. 'I asked her where she was.'

'Uhm.. I thought she was in her appartment?' His forehead furrows. 'Her motorcycle stands for the building... So I assumed she didn't leave.'
'No, she did leave. There is nothing left in our apartment anymore. She took her suitcase and left, Clint.'

'Shit..' He says still holding the doorhandle in his hands.

-

'So, before we start. I spoke to Romanoff on the phone.' Fury starts while he enters the meeting room.
I frown. He didn't even know she was gone. He just enters the building, he is just back from Europe.
'She takes some days off. Will be coming back in a few weeks.'

'Weeks?' I say out loud. Why is she calling Fury and not me? And why would she leave for weeks?

'Is she okay?' Steve asks.

Fury sighs. 'It's Romanoff Steve. She can take care of herself.'
I look around the room. How do we know for sure she is safe? Okay, she took her own stuff and left. But what if somebody had the wrong intentions? What if this man with the long beard took her? What if somebody forced her to go somewhere?

'What if she's not?' I say out loud. Fury sighs a little. 'She wouldn't call me. And again.. it's Romanoff she can take care of herself.'

Ignoring the worried look on my face, he says: 'So and now we start. Bruce enlighten me about the Emma story. And than I want Maria to talk you people through the next case.'

Nobody seemed to care about it. Maybe Fury is right, maybe I just need to accept she left and didn't say anything to me. I think back at the words of Clint. Maybe this is her hurting me again. Just leaving me, because she's done with me.
But I don't believe it. I don't accept this. She can't just leave me for weeks, without an explanation.

-
'I want to look for her.' I say to Steve. We sit in the dining room. He ordered food for the both of us. 'Why would you look for her?' Steve says.
'Because..' I stop. Thinking about what I want to say. 'Because I want to know for sure she's okay.'

Steve smiles while he looks at his food. 'I know Natasha now for a long time. And this is how she is. She sometimes needs time for herself. She hates it when people interfere  in her private life.'
I shake my head. 'I don't care. She can't just leave me here.'

'I know you care for her.' Steve says. 'But..' he thinks for a second and says: 'you need to accept this part of her too.'
I sigh and look away. I think about his words. And feel how much I disagree. But than I realize Steve doesn't know a thing about what happened between us.

Maybe he just thinks I like her, maybe he just thinks we fuck and that's it.
But it's more. I know it's more. She told me she had feelings for me. This is real. What we have, it is real. But he doesn't know that.

I stand up.
'Where are you going?' He asks.
I walk back. Turn around and say: 'I'm going to look for her.'
-

'Natasha?' I whisper. I stand in the middle of a wooden cabin. I see her sitting at the table with a blond woman. Correction, a beautiful blond woman.
A red blur comes over me. Bits of red clouds hinder my view.

Than I stand outside. I look around. Tall grass is covering my bare feet. It's dark outside, there is only some dim light coming from the cabin in the middle of the meadow.
I circle around, my eyes fall on a big board. While I remember every letter of it, I feel my head's getting dizzy. I feel my eyes burn a little. The red blur again. 'Natasha?' I scream. The red cloud takes me away.

And than I open my eyes.

Confused I look around. I'm lying on the ground. I feel the fabric of the carpet on my cheek. With my hands I panicky feel around me. But when my eyes adjust to the dark, I see that I lie in my apartment. Alone. On the ground.

I sigh in relief. I try to stand up, and remember my dream.

I know where Nat is.