Hotel Valhalla [Magnus Chase Series]

Guess Who?

  A short time after my conversation with the lady Freya was interrupted, I received an invitation to join her on the outskirts of Jotunheim.
  Although I was surprised by the choice of location, I hastened there, since it was not for me to question a goddess.
  I arrived to find her in high spirits.

SNORRI STURLUSON: My lady Freya, I thank you for seeing me again so soon. You are, as always, a picture of loveliness.

FREYA: Why, thank you, Snorri. I could just kiss you for that. In fact, I
think I will. [Kisses SS right on the lips.] Mmmmmmmwah!

SS [surprised]: M-my lady! Words fail me!

F: That’s a first.

SS: Er…

F: Hold that thought. I have another surprise for you! [Air shimmers. The
goddess is replaced by a massive giant.] Ta-da!

SS [shrieks]: Aaaaaaugh!

UTGARD-LOKI [doubling over with laughter]: The look on your face!
  Priceless! I’m telling you, Snorts, you einherjar are so gullible.
  Reminds me of the pranks I played on Thor all those years ago. You know what I’m talking about, right?

SS: I couldn’t say.

U-L: I could. The great Thunder God comes waltzing into my territory to challenge my posse to feats of strength and awesomeness.
  The first night he’s
here, know what he does? Camps out in a giant’s glove, thinking it’s a house!
  A glove! But that’s not all. Want to hear what happens next?

SS: Do I have a choice?

U-L: No. The next morning, Thor tries to brain a sleeping giant with his famous hammer.
  The giant wakes up and asks if a leaf landed on him.
  Giant goes back to sleep. Thor whacks him again.
  Giant wakes up and says he felt an acorn bounce on his forehead.
  Third time, the giant wonders if the hammer
hit is a plop of bird poop.
[Leans in.] Guess who the giant was.

SS: You.

U-L: Me!

SS: Hilarious. [Stands.] Now if you’ll excuse me—

U-L: Sit.

SS: Right. [Sits hurriedly.]

U-L: So now, Thor comes sauntering into my castle bragging about how great he is. I say, “Go on, then, prove it. First, drink everything in this cup.
  Second, pick up my gray cat.
  Finally, wrestle that wizened old crone over
there to the ground.”
[Leans in.] Want to know a secret?

SS: You used sorcery so Thor couldn’t win.

U-L [guffawing]: I used sorcery so Thor couldn’t win!
  The cup was actually the ocean.
  The cat was Jormungand, on loan from Aegir’s realm.
  And the crone was old age itself.
  No one can beat old age, Snorts!

SS: Not even a god? Or what about Idun and her apples of immortality?

U-L [frowning dangerously]: Don’t bring up that lady around me, Snorts.
  She did one of my guys wrong.

SS: Like Loki, my lips are sealed.

U-L: You ain’t half bad, thane. Maybe I’ll even spare you at Ragnarok.
But probably not.

[At this time, a pigeon delivers a message to Utgard-Loki.]

U-L [reading and grinning]: Oh, I’m loving this! Listen, Snorts, I gotta get going. Just heard a certain someone thinks a certain missing item is buried here in Jotunheim.
  He’s digging holes all over the place looking for it. This I gotta see.

[Turns into an eagle and flies off.]

  I later learned that the someone was Thor and the item was Mjolnir.

  Rumor has it the hammer was, indeed, in Jotunheim, but Thor had yet to discover its whereabouts.