Nadir ◈ Seungjin

39 ◈ It All Goes Numb

Forewarning: Same as before. Mentions of injury, blood, some nice sprinkles of dissociation.

Sometimes, the world goes quiet. Despite moving. Despite the clock not stopping, it freezes. While you spin, the silence becomes too loud.

He experienced this exactly three times in his life.

The first when he was seven, when the police came to his doorstep and announced his mother died.

The second, when he was crawling backwards in the rusty warehouse, staring at the face of the one person he held on to any belief he could trust despite the evidence pointing otherwise.

The third, when he realized the shadow in his shared apartment was not Minho.

As they walked the complex, Seungmin realized he could add this moment to that list.

His arm folded over his chest, hugging close to his body as he grabbed hold of his pulsing chest. More a hug to comfort himself against the blacked out space stretched before him. That gray haze of the dark night which covered him. Easing him as his mind went blank. Any idea, dream, hope, or meaning to be found on his wobbled journey through the woods had been lost back where he left it. His mind was gone. His head was emptied of logical reasoning. His chest was void of feeling more than his heartbeat to know he was still alive in this sick nightmarish world he was twisting his way alone in the hellscape, the hand in his and the other human having to pull him along as he watched the pebbles only feeding the solitude. Any thought that tried to spark only caused the headache strangling him to intensify.

Numb.

It just feels numb.

A nauseating rush of feelings.

Adrenaline, terror, heartache; He wanted to melt his skin and rip his chest apart, dig his hand into his ribs and tear his heart out so it wouldn't...

So he wouldn't feel like this.

Wrath too, somewhere far beneath as it slithered through his chest. But he hardly had the energy to act on that tunneling pain.

why?

He just wanted this to end.

He wanted the night to be over, he wanted the day to come again.

The bile on his tongue that caused his body to be filled with a foggy cloud.

Why?

And the thoughts he knew wanted to race but didn't. They couldn't.

WHY?

The hand in his let go, the other rushing forward as they laughed softly, "Oh I am so glad to see you."

Seungmin trudged to a stop.

Staring down at the pebbles while the world kept moving.

Kept spinning around him.

His head throbbed.

Even as he tried to touch it's ache to rub the throbs away, his arm wouldn't listen to his commands anymore.

Why?

He left his arm by his side, allowing it to hang as he gritted his teeth.

Why does it hurt so much?

Like the complex around them, he could feel his own heart decaying. His own body collapsing. His own chest caving. His head splitting. Shattering again to pieces he couldn't begin to pick up and piece together, too many, too strewn across the ground, too sharp on their edges to hold without slicing his palms open on their edges, too gone, too slipped between the bleeding cracks in his heart to collect again. Splintering in the mirror his hands pounded against as that writhing monster dug his fangs into that terrified boy wishing to escape, daisies and dandelions which would sprout from the breaks to cover the decay as he faded away behind the mirror. As he faded away in the dark. Faded far while he stepped back, floating endlessly high in a world he wished to forget. He wished to be numb to. He wished to break free from, while his bones snapped.