Lisa
My chest hurts, knowing that she's actually going to be marrying another person that isn't me. That after everything, I'm still not enough for her.
I knew better than to dive head first into the shallow end. And maybe I drove the car, knowing that there was a possibility that the brakes didn't work, but I still wanted the thrill.
Jennie Kim was a firestorm, and I pretended to like the burn. And look where that got me. I never should have said yes when Nini asked me to be the photographer at her wedding, knowing that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I should have ran the other way, the second that I laid eyes on her.
With my foot on the gas, wind floods in from the windows, while roaring in my ears, but it does nothing to drown out the thoughts in my head.
I pull over to the side of the road in front of my field, resting my head on the steering wheel. After a moment, I get out of the truck and plant myself in the middle of the field, looking up at the overcast sky. To me, this field has felt more like a church than any building. I've come here countless times. To think, talk to God, pray, scream, or just completely shut down without any judgment.
I hardly come here during the day. The field looks different during the day time, feels different. I always thought that it was more intimate coming here at night where no one could see me, but now, in broad daylight, I feel completely exposed and vulnerable.
I sink to my knees, with my heart heavy, and I bow my head. I listen to the quiet, silently professing my sins, hoping that God can hear me and give me some sort of forgiveness and direction.
I left the field feeling a little lighter, changed somehow. And ready to accept losing Nini all over again.
