It had been a few days since Leah had ended things with me and had left my apartment, we had no communication with one another whatsoever, and I knew deep down this was the end. I decided to take the next few days off from training and pretended I had an upset stomach as I couldn't bare the thought of facing her.
As I finally returned to training, I made sure I kept my distance. If I walked into a room and spotted the tall blonde, I would quickly make up an excuse to leave. Each time my eyes fell upon her figure a lump in my throat would form as I fought to keep the tears from falling from my face in front of my teammates. I wasn't too sure how Leah was feeling about the situation, but through the odd time we were in each other's presence, she was smiling and laughing with other girls from the team. Which hurt me even more, did she not care? I found myself continuously feeling.
My performances in training and during matches quickly declined. I had failed to start the last 5 games and had only come on as a sub twice, gaining myself 15 minutes at the most where I felt as though I may as well of not had bothered as no impact was made by presence on the pitch. The breakup with Leah was known well known within the club as the girls quickly caught on to us actively avoiding one another after being inseparable. A few of the girls had asked me what had happened and I would brush it off, not wanting to discuss it. I knew however Leah had told them her side of the story and we kept it at that. As we quickly approached the January transfer window there is only one thing I could think of, and that was going to speak to Jonas about potentially going out on loan until the end of the season. I knew I needed to get away from Leah and allow myself time to heal, being around her everyday was causing me too much pain. We had the Euros coming up this summer, and I knew I needed to up my performance on the pitch and gain my confidence back if I wanted to stand any chance at being selected for the Lionesses.
I approached Jonas' office and gave a gentle knock to the office door, awaiting permission to enter. As I heard Jonas call for me to enter, I shakily walked to the chair on the other side of the desk to where he was sat. As he looked up from the paper work on his desk, he gave me a gentle smile before asking me how he could help. "I don't really know where to start. I think it's obvious my mind has not been focused the last couple of weeks, which is due to personal issues. I feel as though the best thing for me to do for myself, and for the club is to go on loan for the rest of the season. I need to get my confidence back and regular playing time. I understand why I have not been playing, but I came to Arsenal to do a job. Through letting personal matters get the better of me, I feel as though I have failed". My voice now shaking more than ever as I continued "I know by doing this, I can return back to arsenal in the summer, focused and ready to make the impact I know I can do for next season." As I finished my rambling, my eyes diverted to the my hands which were interlocked on my legs. Jonas agreed to my request, he agreed he had acknowledged the issues around the club at the moment and we both decided the best thing at the moment was for me to find a new club for the remainder of the season.
Later that evening, Jonas had rang me to inform me Manchester United had approached Arsenal as they were interested in me joining them for the season. As I agreed, Jonas advised he would finalise the paperwork and all I would need to do was arrive at the Arsenal training ground tomorrow morning to sign the loan contract and then I would be transferred to Manchester tomorrow night to begin to reconstruction of my confidence, personally and for my career.
As I left Jonas' office after signing the paperwork, I made my way to the canteen as I wanted to inform the girls of my decision. It was nothing personal against any of them, or the club in that fact. This was about me putting myself worse, and the longer I stuck around the less possibility I had for remaining at Arsenal on a permanent contract. All the girls were sat in the canteen having breakfast prior to training, none of them had the slightest idea of the bombshell I was about to drop. Nether the less, I made my way to the middle of the canteen before beginning my speech. "Girls can I have your attention please" I paused as I waited for the individual conversations stopped, I could feel my cheeks slightly blush as all eyes were now on me. "I wanted to be the one to tell you before it is announced through the media...." "YOUR NOT LEAVING ARE YOU!?" Mccabe shouted. My eyes started to fill with tears once again as I gently nodded in her direction. "I have decided to move to Manchester United for the remainder of the season. It's not a permanent transfer and it is only a temporary loan. I need to find myself again girls and I need to do that without letting any of you down with my poor performances on the pitch." As I finished my speech, the girls all crowded around me giving me a hug and telling me how much they will miss me. As I was reassuring Beth and Katie that I would be back at the end of the season, as they brought me into a tight hug, my eyes were distracted to the back of the room where I saw Leah making a swift exit. This was it, she was allowing me to leave, without even saying a goodbye. It was over for good between us.
