The Accidental Husband

CH 7 || Plan to Walk Through Flames

Aavya

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Without a doubt, the silence was deafening. I was not frightened by the void that the quietness had produced, but it had me still at my place. Apart from my racing heartbeat, there was no sound to be heard. I couldn't move from where I was sitting, and my eyes were glued on the bracelet that was coiled around my left wrist.

The woman sitting across from me was waiting for my response to her question with patience. Although I wasn't obligated or forced to respond to her query, I felt the impulse to say the truth. I eventually felt ready to share my side of the story.

I brushed my profusely sweating hands against my jeans. Ironically, the city's chilly weather did not make me feel better. With all the confessions and breakdowns, I was already exhausted. I made a go at the water bottle that was kept on the table to my left. I drank three to four sips and inhaled quickly. She said, "Aavya, you don't have to if you don't want to," and I quickly placed the bottle back.

"I want to, I really do." I was at the therapist's office trying to walk down the path of healing because I couldn't keep everything in my heart forever.

I began to describe the events that precipitated the worst nightmare of my life. Also, why I had always held myself responsible for it.

"I like wearing pendants. Classical and minimalist jewellery would simply captivate me. A few days before my wedding to Kunal, I recalled telling him about the one pendant I had been saving money to purchase, but was unable to do so because it was out of stock in my city."

I was gazing out the window at the ominous sky that could be seen from where I was sitting. The previous calm was practically gone as the cool breeze commenced to blow.

While I took in the scenery and watched flocks of birds soar by, I thought back to how happy I had been when I had told Kunal about my wish.

"I don't often let people into my heart. But with him, I had finally started to do it. He requested a picture of the pendant from me, and after doing some research, discovered that a few pieces of that design were still for sale, albeit in another city than ours."

My heart began to pound. I had to continue even though I knew where the tale was heading.

"Kunal proposed he would purchase that item for me as a wedding present. He decided to fly to another city, so he cancelled one of his leaves, a day before our wedding."

The therapist, Athena, a woman of middle age, looked at me, baffled, so I explained what I meant.

"Kunal worked as a pilot. To get that pendant for me, he took a flight to Bangalore, another city in India. The day before the wedding, he left, and everyone knew why and where. And when he was coming back ...."

I was unable to continue. I felt a lump in my throat as tears started to fall steadily down my cheeks. I was still unable to accept what it ended in. I still could not forgive myself, and I continued to hold myself responsible for Kunal's death. In his last voice message he sent before getting on the plane, he said how excited he was to see me in my wedding dress, how much he loved me, and how eager he was to spend the rest of his life with me. I still remember it.

I questioned whether I would ever be able to forgive myself. Even though I could see the answer fairly clearly. The answer was negative. A No. I was aware that I would never be able to forgive myself for that sin.

But a selfish part of me wanted to be free of all the blame and the unseen grasp of the guilt that she did not feel ethically obliged to bear responsibility for.