Thoughts

Dear Pt. 2

Dear _______,

If I may reflect for a moment to the start of this journal, a time where I was so...angry and hurt and felt as though my emotions and thinks were just a burden on peoples ordinary lives, I would like to.

I talk about my journey all the time now, to strangers, to friends, to family and even to the people that forced me down such a dark path. I talk about how much I've changed and how much better I feel about myself and the world around me, how happy I am.

"But are you really? I often hear myself ask.

Honestly, I'd like to believe I'm doing better than I was before but what if I'm not?

What if that's not okay?

I still have the same memories of the people that were there to pull me up from rock bottom, and I still speak to them regularly. They're friends, family and loved ones that handed me the rope and gave me a choice to stay down in the depths of despair or to climb my way back out.

And yesterday, for the first time since I crawled back out of that slimy darkness, I felt as though that relationship was fractured. I felt as though I had done something irreparable. I felt as though I was talking to myself from years ago.

I can't explain in words how much that hurt and is still hurting.

I can't explain what it was like to watch someone self destruct in the same way I did all those years ago.

And that memory will haunt me for the rest of my life.

A glimpse of seeing me through someone else's eyes.

That, after all I've penned, was true horror.