Thoughts

Mother

"FUCK YOU. Don't invite me to your wedding? BYE BYE!"--Mother

Man, let me try and think for a moment as to WHY I wouldn't want you involved...

Would a normal, sane and sober person call anyone, let alone their SON at 4AM to (presumably) scream at me and my fiance for having second thoughts about location and involvement in our wedding?

Would a normal, sane and sober person call to tell me that their divorcing my father and thus involving me into a years long struggle of someone else's problems? 

Would a normal, sane and sober person use EVERY tired excuse in the book to explain away their OBVIOUS and BLATANT and uh, let's say, PROBLEMATIC drinking problem?

Would a normal, sane and sober person ADMIT to others but not their OWN SON that they have that aforementioned problem?

Yeah, can't imagine why I wouldn't want you there. Can't imagine why I wouldn't want to keep you in my life even at "arms length" according to my father. Can't imagine why I would continue to be a cog in your torture machine that wrings everyone of every ounce of self respect they have. 

You know what I find hilarious? When I brought up the TRAUMATIC memories of my childhood, when I told you that I was HURT because of things that YOU did to my own brother and myself, you told me, and I quote: 

"You have to understand it from my perspective. Your brother made me so mad that day, I thought I was going to kill him. That's why I did what I did." 

That, of course, being in reference to locking a CHILD OUTSIDE IN A BLIZZARD WITH NO CLOTHES. 

You know what therapists, doctors, friends, other family members think of that response? You know what any normal, sane, sober person would think of that response? You know what aliens in other galaxies and Zeus himself think of that response? That it's absolutely INSANE to use that as an EXCUSE or at best an "explanation" for something so absolutely fuckin haneous. 

But hey, maybe Dad's right, maybe I'm "living in the past" and need to let go. But you know what I've learned through a college education so far? That history repeats itself. Time and time again it will cycle back and forth between you sober and you drinking. And honestly, I'm just done giving chances. I'm done letting you apologize halfheartedly, without actually facing the facts of what happened, is happening and will continue to happen. 

I won't do it anymore. I won't sit here and continue to let you taint my life with your poisonous rhetoric, spreading lies about me to my own family, attempting to manipulate me against my father and my brother, shedding ANY sense of responsibility for your actions onto ANYONE AND EVERYONE ELSE like you just can't get it through that dense, dense brain of yours that YOU are the reason this is happening, NOT anyone else. 

I will also have you know that I didn't want this. All I EVER wanted was parents. Not even good ones, or perfect ones, JUST parents. Bare minimum shit. But all I ever got was stress and anxiety and depression that nearly killed me. 

So, thank you, thank you for initiating this process and taking away the guilt and anxiety and stress that I would have otherwise continued to go through trying to figure out how/what and when to say what needs to be said. 

Maybe if there's an afterlife, we'll see each other then and maybe things will be different. 

But until then: don't call. Don't text. Don't email. Don't reach out to my brother to see how I am, don't reach out to ANYONE we know regarding me for ANYTHING. I want absolutely and 100% nothing to do with either of you at this point. I don't give a rats ass about the camp, the house, the land, I don't want any money, I want NOTHING but complete and utter detachment. There will be no 'second chance'. There will be no calling me in a year and a half to apologize and admit to your mistakes, (if that's even possible for either of you at this point). I've fallen for that before and well, look where that's gotten us. 

Sincerely, 

A man who you don't know,

Curtis S. Arnold