Thoughts

Desires

I hear this title and immediately I think of 'be careful what you wish for' and the countless examples therefore in fiction and real life in which characters or peoples lives are torn apart by the craving for power, money, love or success. R.L Stine I'm sure has a Goosebumps book literally titled that way. And they all serve as safe, albeit exaggerated tales of caution, like Little Red Riding Hood and the Three Little Pigs.

Perhaps, I've been so afraid of losing the sense of humble pride I carry with me that I prevent myself from succeeding, in a way.

Or perhaps it's something deeper, preventing me from doing the things that I love, something that makes me unable to process the under to a plot, to an antagonist and protagonist, a beginning, middle and end. Maybe it's something I lost, along the years I've been lost, wandering, aimlessly searching for--something I can't identify! The sense of exasperation cannot be expressed in words.

For what used to be a simple (more or less) process is dragged out by days of overthinking and lazily writing something to convince myself I have a sense of worth, that my writing is giving me purpose. But when I look at what I've written, it's so weak, uninspired and watered down I hardly recognize it as my own...

The only reason I'm writing here is because my confidence that people will read my collections first is higher than my desire to keep publishing stories into it, thus forcing people to read these here rambling, unfiltered thoughts through the lense that that may possibly be fiction; but knowing all the while they're watching the slow decent of a mad man as he loses his mind and grip on reality...

It must be fascinating.

To be on the other side of this and to see other people in the thick of it. It must be a sense of glory to be okay, to feel normal, and look on and empathize as best one can with people so utterly miserable they can't do the one thing they're convinced themselves gives them purpose.

I desire for that. To one day be just happy enough that the story clicks. The words flow and the idea changed on a natural, but faster course. Where instead of overthinking and misery there is just fiction; an entire world to lose oneself into for the foreseeable future, an entire world to craft bringing me one step closer to my goal.

But what for if I never do anything with it?