I can physically feel my brain decomposing in my skull. Guilt, mostly, but anxiety and depression are the result. Being off my meds for too long *probably* isn't helping but I still can't shake the feeling that all I did wrong was exist. I can't shake the feeling that all I did was play a cog in the machine that lead to a disaster. And now the cleanup starts and everyone is pretending it's fine and nothing is or ever was wrong. But I witnessed it, with my own two eyes, the fracturing foundation of this relationship, and I tried to patch it, I did, I tried to be a good person but that man has gone. Years of building and construction, gone in the blink of an eye. Nothing left to do now but bury it and walk away.
I'm lucky to have good, well meaning people in my life, thank the gods for that, but while in this state I can't help but feel as though I've let them down, too. I've become trapped in my mind, distant, angry, cynical, all the traits I locked away in exchange for having a better, closer-to-normal life.
But here we are again, relapsing and feeling myself sink further back down out of the hole I crawled out of three years ago.
I will note that I am in fact alive, not thinking about changing my residency status on this mortal coil, but I feel closer to depression than I have in a LONG time and I'm not entirely sure how to find the exit.
Thanks everyone for reaching out, I love you all. Hopefully when we meet it will be with me on the other side of this, and we shall rejoice.
Until then: please stand by.
YOU ARE READING
Thoughts
SpiritualHey, maybe I'll actually commit to this thing. hah. hah hah. On a serious note, this is something not necessarily meant for anyone to read. But I will not stop you.
