Thy Will, Not Mine

Chapter {27} Antonio

Proverbs 3:6 (NIV)

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."
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Shook would be an understatement of the century. Who in the world could've thought that Destiny could even have an ounce of love for someone as undeserving as me? I knew that it had taken her a lot to utter those life-altering words as she stood looking at her shoes, waiting for my answer.

I knew what my answer was, I had known it from the day I laid my eyes on her but despite wanting to say I loved her back, I knew I couldn't and I wouldn't. I could never put her life at risk, her well-being would always come first to our love for each other.

"Destiny, unfortunately," I sighed looking at an expectant Destiny whose gaze was still downcast. "I do not love you back, you are just a friend." And for the first time in my life, I was afraid, not of the most dangerous mafia leader but of some kind, soft-spoken girl with a heart of gold, I was afraid of her reaction. Afraid of seeing disappointment and rejection settling on her face after wearing her heart on her sleeve.

After a few silent and daunting seconds that felt more like a lifetime, Destiny cleared her throat, never looking my way, "Oh, I'm sorry for putting you in this awkward position." I could see the tears lining the edge of her eyes as she tried keeping them at bay and that's when I knew that she truly loved me every breath in me called out for her but I could not let my love for her overweight her safety. And even though it would hurt more than sustaining a bullet to my head, I would much rather see her happy and safe with someone else other than me than watch her die in the hands of my enemies, especially after Izan had bluntly put a threat on her safety and put her life on a silver platter.

"It's okay," and Destiny walked past me and went straight into the hall, leaving me in the hallway, fuming. I felt like punishing the world for how cruel and harsh it was. Why me? Why when I had found the one person who made me feel complete, who made me feel like the world wasn't completely dark and there was still light in it? Was I that much of a bad person that I did not deserve love, that I did not deserve peace?

But, I could not let my emotions get out of control, or show any ounce of disheartache, I had to let go of any love I had for her. Like my father once said, "Love is for the weak and faglio, love is a weakness, not a stronghold. Do not fall for that trap." I should've learnt from his and my mother's marriage, there was no love but it was a marriage of convenience. My mother would cry herself to sleep as my dad was out with girls my age, having multiple affairs that he did not even bother hiding but despite that each morning my mom would plaster a smile on her face and go about her day with a loving smile, always telling me to go out there and find the holder of my heart, even if it meant I travelled the depths and edges of the world just to find her because she was worth it but I could not find it in myself to comprehend how she could want me to find love when she had been hurt, belittled and ultimately killed because of this so-called love.

But, now that I had seen and almost touched it, I understood her, I understood why she wanted me to find her because it was the greatest feeling in the world. To love someone else more than yourself, and to be willing to risk your life for them was an indescribable thing. Destiny had taught me to love fully, to smile at the little things and see the good in the world but now darkness surrounded me from all angles. My light was gone, I had let her go even before her light could shine on my ominous heart. I should've listened to my dad, he was right love was nothing but a player of feelings and time.

I vowed that I would never love any other woman except Avelina and with that, I marched into the hall, the invigilator watched me curiously before turning his full attention to the hall, with a keen and sharp eye for any sniff of cheating. Meanwhile, a lot of heads popped up at the sound of the door opening. Many eyes were upon me but after a few seconds of looking into my empty eyes, some were filled with fear and quickly went back to their exam, whilst others acted oblivious to me and continued with their work. Destiny, however, did not lift her head, she kept her head down and her eyes were solely focused on the paper in front of her.

I decided to focus on mine, which I was halfway through as it was just a piece of cake, I bet Heywood set it when he was high. Speaking of which, it was pay-up time and I had given him more than enough time to gather up the money but he was running around me in circles, always giving some lousy excuse but no more. My men would deal with it. It wasn't my job to collect either way, I was just showing him my generosity.

Ten minutes later, I had completed the test and slung my bag over my shoulder before standing up and casting a longing glance at an oblivious Destiny and making my way out of the class.

In no time I was sitted in my brand new midnight black Lexus, I had bought it for dangerous missions, it was perfect for blending into the environment and not alerting the enemy of my arrival but today I was the enemy. An enemy of myself. Today, I wished I was a normal person, with a regular job and with no threat lying on his back. I wished I could go back and be a man-up to the man I called my father, and tell him how I wanted nothing to do with this life, how I truly wanted to be an artist. An artist my mom admired and loved, an artist I dreamt about but like my father would say;

"You can dream all night long but when the sun rises your dreams will disappear along with the moon. Dreams are illusions, not reality. They will only hurt you and not build you and I will allow no son of mine to be weak."

And a few years later my mom fell into a deep depression, from watching my dad come home with Emma and spending countless nights with her. She would silently watch them as Emma flaunted in her face how she was never a worthy wife, in front of my dad who would sit silently as my mom ran out of the room, the tears and emotions that she would hold in trailing down her cheeks and when I would attempt to follow her Emma would stop me with her threatening gaze and that alone was enough to stop ten-year-old me. Six years later my mom miraculously gave birth to Avelina, after being told that she would never give birth again due to problems with her uterus but when she conceived Avelina, everyone, including my dad was happy. It was a new addition. My mom toke this as a leap of faith that she would get her husband back and they would love each other again. And indeed their love was rekindled, my dad ended his affair with Emma and became a better father to Avelina and I. But that was the calm before the storm, after two years of joy my mom fell very ill and due to her weak immune system she passed away shortly after that but for someone who was on her death bed she had radiance on her face, joy could be seen in her brown almond-shaped eyes and the one time I asked her how she could be so happy, she simply replied, "Because, I am going home and my Lord and Saviour said that in his father's house, there were many rooms and I know my room has been prepared for me."

Yes, she was a Christian but would never label herself as a Christian, always saying that religion did not save one, but allowing the Lord into your heart, believing that Jesus died on the cross, repenting and having a relationship with him was all one needed to do to be 'saved' and she was never ashamed to tell everyone her deep faith in who she called her 'saviour' but I would pretend to listen as I did not believe that I needed someone I had never seen.

In her last few breaths, she uttered how she believed in me and my dreams and how I should let them fly as high as they possibly can, and it was as if she knew that my father would soon follow suit as she pleaded that I toke cafe of Avelina and never lose faith in the Lord and had I not been scared of losing her, I would've just scoffed.

Emma pranced into our lives, just at the perfect time when we were still mourning and my father saw her as the perfect glorified comforter and one thing led to another and I just saw myself standing in front of my father that was married to Emma and suspiciously so they were only married for three months before Giovanni and my father were assassinated. Making her the new Donna of the mafia and forcefully bringing Samantha into our lives.

That was the long overdue story of my life that I so wanted to put behind me but today so many things had happened leading me to remember how I had gotten here. The pain was overbearing but I never cried over it because tears were for the weak so the emotions were bottled up and today for the first time in twelve whole years a tear slid down my cheek and I did not even bother wiping it because I was mourning the carefree eight-year-old that had once lived in me, I mourned my mom who was my shield and strength, I mourned for Avelina who never experienced the love of a mother and finally I mourned for the girl I loved how she did not deserve a broken heart, how she did not deserve all the hate she received. After five more minutes of tears, I viciously wiped them off.

I would not cry over my problems but face them head-on and the biggest problem that was standing in my way was Izan and what do you do to problems? Solve them.

Starting the ignition, I drove off leaving the dust behind the wheels.