Prodigal Son

Chapter 26

Cody rubbed his neck, feeling the rough fibers of the bandages.
"I .. don't really know where to start. I've never done this before."
Doctor Oliver nodded, her lips pursing together in a frown.
"That's actually a question of mine. According to files shared with me, it's mandatory for the rescue team to receive routine psychological evaluation. However, until now, Cody has never been required for these sessions."
Kade flushed, looking red.
"Well... That is true, the official team sees a psychiatrist every few months. But...."
"I was never officially on the team."
Cody sighed, finishing for Kade.
"I've never had an official position on the team. I help out in the command center, and occasionally in the field, but I've never legally had an official place. Well, aside from being the Official Cybertronian Liaison, but, is there even paperwork for that?"
Doctor Oliver nodded, starting to get a picture.
"I see... So to clarify, you've never received mental evaluation or therapy before now?"
"... No..."
"I see..."
Kade flushed, and Cody looked down, feeling like he'd said something wrong.
Frankie leaned over, squeezing his hand in support.
Doctor Oliver nodded, continuing,
"Okay, moving on. I understand that while never being officially in position, due to obvious reasons, you had a major influence In missions. That's quite rare, for somebody of your age."
Frankie suddenly remembered something, asking,
"Hey, the original Team Prime, weren't they just kids too? That's what Agent Rafael said, anyway."
"Correct, but I'm afraid they were still significantly older than you. At the time the Cybertronians joined the team, you were both eight years old, according to my files. The human members of team prime were all Teenagers. Still kids, but definitely older."
Cody frowned a bit at that, and Doctor Oliver shifted her notesheet.
"Speaking of the young ages.... While you don't have any therapy notes on file, I was granted access to your Pediatric Care records. From the records on file, and talking with a few people in your life, there's no reports of obvious phycological issues. Reports of you from childhood all report you as a surprisingly mature, quiet, very helpful to those around you, ext. And, I hear those qualities continue to this day."
"So.... I was fine when I was a kid?"
Doctor Oliver leaned down, sighing as she looked at her notes.
"Before I started work at Sector E, I had specialized work as a child psychologist. And while I have no doubt that you're just a good natured person... What I just described, are all telltale symptoms of childhood trauma."
"WHAT?!?!"
Cody's jaw dropped, and Doctor Oliver held up her hand to explain.
"When you hear that somebody is mature for their age, you probably think of it as a compliment, right? Well... that's not always a good sign. To clarify, some people can just naturally be well adjusted, and that's perfectly alright. But. Sometimes, those qualities at that age can be an early sign of neurological disorders, depression, mental illness, abuse, and more. I'm not saying anything is wrong, not at all. I'm just... Curious if there's anything specific about your childhood you'd like to talk about."
Cody was stunned, and hesitant, glancing between Frankie and Kade.
They kept their eyes trained on the floor, looking uncomfortable.
"I..."
Doctor Oliver winced, sensing this was becoming uncomfortable.
"I have a question. Prior to the Cybertronians joining the team, you didn't have an active involvement in the rescue missions, correct?"
".... Yeah...."
"Before you started operating in the command center, what did you do when your family was called to a scene?"
Cody sighed, rubbing his neck.
"Well... Sometimes, dad would ask Doc Greene to watch me. Sometimes he'd drop me off at the lab on the way to a scene, sometimes doc and Frankie would come pick me up, Frankie and I've had a few sleepovers because of longer emergency calls."
Doctor Oliver nodded, then asked,
"And what if Doc wasn't available?"
"....."
Cody's hands started shaking.
".... A lot of the time... I was ... Alone."
Doctor Oliver frowned slightly, her brow creasing.
"I imagine that wasn't easy, for an eight year old. You were just a kid."
Cody leaned back, looking up at the ceiling.
"... You know... That's what everybody always says. I was just a kid. But... I just didn't feel like a kid."
"Did you feel like you were forced to grow up too fast? Do you feel that way now?"
"I mean.... How am I supposed to feel?"
"Did you feel like you weren't allowed to just be a kid? Did you feel like you had to be just like your family?"
Cody groaned, rubbing his head.
"But... what does that mean, really? I mean... I did kid stuff, so that means I was being a kid, right? Frankie and I did a Lemonade Stand, I was in Lad Pioneers, I played video games, that's all normal kid stuff, right?"
"But. Does any of that bleed into Duty? Did you have a true separation between being a kid, and being an emergency responder?"
"...."
Doctor Oliver sighed, her expression soft.
"... Have you ever felt... Ostracized, from your family? I image being left alone for extended periods of time may have created strong feelings of isolation."
".... Maybe..."
Kade and Frankie exchanged an awkward glance.
It was one thing to have suspicions.
It was another to have those confirmed.
Cody groaned, his hand absently drifting to the nightstand.
"I've Just... I never... I've always felt... Different, from my family. I'm the youngest. Heck, I even have a different hair color! But... I guess... I guess I've always kinda felt like... I'm just... Not... just not Worth as much, as the rest of my family. Like I'm never doing as much as them."
"What I'm hearing is, you define your self worth and place in your family by how much you can contribute to the team."
".... Maybe. Maybe."
He slowly looked down, his eyes wet as his hands clenched into fists.
".... I've ALWAYS felt like I've had to fight to prove myself."
"Your family has a massive legacy, spanning countless generations. The pressure to live up to that, it hurts, doesn't it?"
"... How could I ever be as good as everyone before me?"
Doctor Oliver was getting the full picture now.
"Can we circle back to an earlier question? Are you willing to disclose any incidents that left a mark on you? They can be rescues, day to day moments, anything you feel has significantly impacted you."
Cody rubbed his eyes, scoffing.
"What, besides finding out aliens were living in the basement?"
"Right, right."
Cody exhaled, reflecting as he forced air through his lungs.
"Well, I guess getting chased by a robot dinosaur was pretty scary. Then lava started flooding the town, and I was right in it's path without even knowing it. Dani, Blades and I got trapped in a fire and almost burned alive. The power plant almost exploded with my family and I trapped inside. I got stuck in an out-of-control go-kart and I almost got Boulder killed because he got controlled by the nanites. I almost got eaten by an escaped lion. A weather machine almost froze the island, the city hall roof almost collapsed with me and a ton of the town inside, and Frankie almost fell over the waterfall when the Ice broke."
Cody's breath was tighter now. His tone was steadily rising, his nails digging into the skin of his palms as old memories flooded back into him.
"A robot shark attacked us on the boat, and Blades almost died flying it out over the water when it exploded. Trex got hacked, went on another rampage, and Doc Greene got fired."
His breath hitched, his eyes burning as he tried focusing on his next words.
"..... Doctor Morocco came to town.... He got the Bots decommissioned and my family fired. Frankie and Doc almost had to leave town. Frankie and I tried getting evidence and Morocco ordered his Moor-Bot to destroy us.... We got trapped on his blimp... Dani had to guide me through landing it...
But, heh, that's not nearly as bad as the WHOLE ALTERNATIVE TIMELINE, where Frankie and I didn't even exist, and Morocco ruled Griffin Rock under an iron grasp."
He waved his hands, his voice shrill now, cracking from emotion.
"Oh, how about the time we thought Heatwave, Boulder, and Blades DIED, because we didn't know they got hit with a shrink ray?! Or when all the bots got infected by a virus and almost died?!?! Or trapped over a hot guyser and nearly boiled alive? Or when the bots and I got lost out at sea and stranded on a deserted island? Dad and Chase got stranded in the old mine tunnels... Dad dislocated his shoulder and almost drowned... Frankie broke her leg and almost got crushed after an earthquake trapped her in the tunnels... And because stupid little Cody thought he was actually an important member of the team, I tried being a superhero, WHICH BACKFIRED HORRIBLY, after my own repulser badge nearly exploded with me attached."
Doctor Oliver looked thoroughly horrified, her jaw dropped.
".... Cody... that's... That's horrible.... The trauma from those events have clearly left a severe impact on you."
"... But... That's just the early stuff!"
"Cody."
Doctor Oliver scooted her chair closer, her face gravely serious.
"Trauma isn't always obvious. Sometimes, it can be hard to notice when something leaves an impact on us. But from what you've described... These emotions you're struggling with, this anger, it's always been there."
"Then... Why haven't they been a problem until now? This HAS to be something the Moor-Bot did to my brain! Yelling at my family, I've never done that until now!"
"Cody... I think .. you've been burying your emotions since you were a child. You've spent your whole life trying to be useful to everyone around you, because you believe that unless you're helping someone, you don't belong here."
Cody went quiet.
His hand drifted to the nightstand, quietly grasping the heatwave toy.
His eyes drifted down, welling up with a burning dampness.
"I... It's always been my job to help people. Sometimes it feels like I've spent my whole life trying to help everybody around me. My family, the bots.... And that's just... Always been what I'm supposed to do. Yes, it hurts to be alone. That's why I need to be on the team! That's why I need to prove myself! It's just my job. And if I'm not doing that... Then why am I here?"
The doctor leaned over, firmly grasping his shoulder.
"You've spent your entire life helping everyone around you. But if you put EVERYBODY before yourself... Then who helps you?"
His eyes bubbled up, a wet trail starting down his face.
".... I don't know..."
He'd tried so hard.
But it had never felt enough.
Nothing had ever felt like it was truly enough.
Day after day, mission after mission, hour after hour in the command center,
The frigid claws of insecurity and pain ripped into him, doubt and stress seeping Into him,
But most of all
Loneliness.
That cruel feeling of isolation ripped into him, jabbed his heart like a needle as the dark thoughts seeped inside and stained everything in their path.
Not good enough.
For every A on a spelling test, Graham had earned a Doctrine.
Not good enough.
For every second place prize he'd earned in Lad Contests, Dani had heaping shelves of sports trophies.
Not good enough.
For every emergency he'd fixed, Kade had to pull him out of seven more. 
Never.
Good.
Enough.
".... I just wanted to be like them..."
He wanted to prove he belonged here.
No...
Not wanted.
Needed.
But he never could.
He'd never been able to convince himself he was wanted.
Until.
"But... But then the Moor-Bot..."
He'd had no doubt he was wanted.
No doubt somebody needed him.
He felt sick.
He felt evil.
"I just wanted.... somebody to.... want... me. But not like that.... Never... Like that..."
And then the floodgates broke.
Tears started welling, his chest heaving.
Then suddenly Kade's arms wrapped around him.
Kade felt his own eyes burning.
"... Let it out.... Just... Let it all out."
"... Okay..."
Cody buried his face in Kade's chest, heaving sobs wracking his body.
Kade barely felt the tears streaming down his own face.
One thought rang in his mind.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
His grip still tight as a vice, he started rubbing Cody's back.
No. More.
He couldn't avoid changing anymore.
Doctor Oliver only watched, jotting down the notes for her file.
This session had definitely been insightful.
Fowler had been right.
She had her work cut out for her with this one.