Tsaheylu

Grief

The song for this chapter...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nothing. I feel nothing.

Except the cold, empty place in my heart that belonged to Neteyam.

I don't know how I made it back here, in the shell of our home together. But I'm here, in the same place I had been laid in for 3 days straight now. Or at least I think it's been 3 days.

Everything blurred together, like a cruel movie that would never end. All the tears, the screams, the unspoken words. All of it.

People came and went every hour of the day. Tonowari. Aonung. Tsireya. Kiri. Lo'ak. Jake. Neytiri. They all came in and out. Together. Alone. Talking to me about things I never paid enough attention to to recall. They tried to get me to eat, to talk, to get out of bed and take a walk. But all of their efforts fell upon deaf ears as I stared at the same spot on the wall, enveloped in Neteyam's ghost.

I was angry at them all. How could they go about their lives in a semi-normal fashion like nothing had happened. I only found comfort in the times that they just came to sit with me and cry. Tsireya and Kiri did this the most, though Lo'ak had done it once.

I don't remember what day it was when he had, day 1, or maybe 2. But that was one of the only things I could remember right now.

He had come in quietly, in the middle of the night. I didn't sleep, not much anyway. I found no comfort in my dreams, they were all filled with the love of my life. And when I woke up and remembered that he was gone, I was broken all over again. Lo'ak had been as quiet as possible, coming into the darkness of our home alone and sat down beside the bed like everyone did. But there was something different on his face this time. Not pity, or sympathy. But bitterness. Hatred. Regret.

No words left his lips before he broke down, sobbing endlessly before me while I watched, unable to comfort him. Until the words fell from his lips. "It's all my fault. I'm so sorry, Ai'ina." I remember reaching out for him, taking his hand in my own tightly without a word. I couldn't find any other way to comfort him, to tell him that it wasn't his fault really. But he seemed to understand what I was trying to tell him.

After hours of the two of us crying, him loudly in sobs while my tears just silently rolled down my cheeks, we fell asleep. He stayed laid on the floor beside my bed, clutching onto my hand. It helped us both. We had found someone who shared a level of guilt and remorse over Neteyam's death. We had found someone who cared about him on similar levels.

Of course, we both knew that he could never match the level of love I held for his brother. But it was a different kind of love.

Tsireya came for her turn on watch the next morning (that's what I called it at least. I seemed to never be left alone unless it was night) and found us, puffy eyed and red faced. She managed to get Lo'ak to head home to the comfort of his family and stayed with me, stroking my hair in a comforting manner that had lost all of its meaning. All I could think of, was how Neteyam used to do that.

This morning, she had come in like normal with a few pieces of bread and a freshly cut mango. But rather than her soft, encouraging attempts to get me to eat, she seemed full of urgency. "You need to eat, for the baby." She had told me, begging me to eat just a little bit. Of course, she followed it up with, "For your and Neteyam's baby." She had expertly pulled on my heartstrings, using her nuclear option to get me to eat, which had annoyingly worked.