Batfam Oneshots

Snakes Keep On Falling On My Head (Batfamily x reader)

Prompt: I had a snake fall off the roof and onto my head last night so I figured this would be hilarious to incorporate.

The reader is another of Bruce's adopted children you do not actively participate in missions due to an accident that limits your ability to move and you often have to use a walking cane

Ages:

Alfred: Immortal

Bruce: 43

Dick: 25

Jason: 21

Reader:20

Tim:18

Damian: 14

You were over it. Damian and Tim's fighting had for the most part been entertaining for those around. Little things Tim would do set Damian off, it could be anything from a sarcastic comment to how Tim made his coffee. The next thing you would know it was a death match or one running from the other (mostly Tim). You usually could care less but today was not your day.

Classes had sucked. You had been out of town for a week trying to clean up a mess at one of the many other W.E. buildings. You missed a ton of important material and then it turned out that you had a 10,000-word essay about "what would be the most efficient way to achieve world peace" due at midnight. Which meant you were going to be borrowing some of Tim's Death Wish coffee. You hated the stupid political science class and had absolutely no idea why (your major) required it. Following that you overheard some of your classmates/friends talking badly about you. Couple into a text from (BFF/N) saying that she had canceled on your guy's plans to go see a (movie you want to see). Overall yes it could have been worse, but it still was not a good day.

You parked your (pick car) in front of the garage knowing that you would be the first one gone in the morning. You could hear the yelling before you were even in the front door, and you definitely were not surprised to walk into Tim being held in a chokehold by Damian.

"Give up Drake, you cannot possibly win." Damien gloated as Tim started to get blue in the face. But he refused to give up. Which good or bad was going to wind up with Tim passing out. You pinched the bridge of your nose and sighed. You were so tired of this shit between these two.

"Enough Damian, I think he got the point." You said as you set your cane in the umbrella holder and walk by making your way to the stairs to go to your room to begin on the stupid essay.

"Fine (Y/L/N)," Damian said while releasing his hold on Tim, who about faceplanted into the hardwood floor if you hadn't steadied him.

"Thanks (N/N). Tim thanked you as he stood up making his way to the kitchen probably to get more coffee. Damien on the other hand looked less than pleased.

"Why do you always stick up for him, (Y/L/N). He is an imbecile." Damian said as soon as Tim had disappeared.

"Because I really don't want to be murdered by Bruce for letting you two kill each other." You said with a hint of humor in your (e/c) eyes.

"Father would never kill you over something so stupid," Damian stated matter-of-factly. You could only sigh wanting to bang your head on the wall because of this kid sometimes.

"Damian, it was a joke," you said as you walked away. Hoping to get up to your room before anything else could happen.

Your hopes were quickly dashed when you heard the sound of a glass breaking in the kitchen followed by raised voices that sounded like Jason and Damian.

You stood at the base of the stairs and debated for a moment just ignoring the whole thing, but the sound of another shattering glass changed your mind. You turned to your right and slowly made your way to the kitchen all the while wishing that it wasn't Alfred's day off.

Upon entering the kitchen there was glass everywhere. Jason was crouched behind the island, and Damien was sitting on the counter with a glass turned upside down.

"What the fuck-" You started to say, but Jason cut you off.

"Listen (n/n) you have to believe me when I say there is a perfectly good explanation for this." Jason started when Damian cut him off.

"Don't listen to him he is just being a wuss," Damian said from his perch on the counter gesturing to the glass that was upside down. "It is just a simple wolf spider, is practically harmless."

Upon closer inspection of the glass, you could see the spider trapped underneath it. You were by no means a fan of spiders, not that you were terrified by any means but you simply did not like them.

"Damian, just release the spider." You said before glaring at Jason, "You on the other hand can clean up your mess. Now if you'll excuse me I have an excessive amount of work to do."

You didn't wait for an answer and were making your way back to the stairs when you heard the girliest, most high-pitched squeal. You snapped around just in time to see Tim who was halfway out the front door snatch his head back inside while flinging his hands through his dark hair.

Dick came barreling down the stairs stopping beside you as Jason and Damian (who was holding his jar with the spider in it) came dashing in.

Dick being the only considerate one in the room walked over to Tim to see if he could calm him down and figure out why he screamed like a little girl. You and Jason followed behind him with Damian behind you still holding his spider.

"Timmy, what happened?" Dick asked super softly and kindly like he was talking to a small child that was lost. It took everything for you and Jason not to laugh at that.

"I was going to go get more coffee because we...um...we ran out of coffee. And So I was going to go get more coffee" Tim started to explain but his voice got so low you all had to strain to hear him "But when I opened the door a snake fell on my head."

That was it Jason was practically rolling on the ground howling with laughter. You weren't much better off as you were laughing so hard you were crying. Damian had released his spider and was determined to find the snake. If only to have something to terrorize Tim with. Dick was trying his hardest to keep a straight face but even he was failing. Here was the mighty Red Robin, the hero of Gotham City, terrified of a snake.

"Can we keep it?" Damian asked turning around with a tiny rat snake in his hand.

"No" "Yes" "Yes" Came the answers of Tim, Jason, and Dick. You didn't respond but shook your head, yes, knowing you were going to regret it. 

"What should I name it?"

"William Snakespeare," Jason said without hesitation.

The End