Behind My Shadow - Book Three

28. Hold On to This Lullaby

"Lady?" Bishop gently nuzzles my hand.

"Hmm? Buddy?" I groggily lift my head. I instantly wince with torment as what feels like a stake is being driven through my temple. "Ow... the hell?" I pant as I force myself to sit up more. I startle as I realize we're back at the Palace. I'm in my bedroom, wearing my favorite pair of different colored squirrel pajamas. My arm is in a sling and a cloth has been wrapped around my forehead, slating just over my right eye.

"You're alright!" Bishop yips with relief. "Ah, lady, I've been pacin' a hole in the floor worryin' about you!" He noses my hand affectionately.

"Thanks, buddy, but...what happened?" My brain feels fried. I gasp as I realize my skin is purple and suddenly everything catches up to me. "No!" I feel my heart shatter as I think of Queen Eastyn. "Quill," I whisper with pain, tears brim in my eyes. He lost one of his parents...

"Where you goin'?" Bishop squeaks with surprise as I throw off the blankets and stagger out of bed.

"I gotta...gotta find Quill," I stumble for the door.

"Oh," Bishop hangs his head with sorrow. "He's...um...he's been outside ever since we got back."

"What time is it? When did we get back? What happened?" Sunlight is pouring in through the open wall in my bedroom so I'm guessing it's around noon.

"We got back sometime after midnight. Cornelius had the nurses treat you up here n' he said you should rest n' not -"

"Not what?" I turn to face the puppy. "Not worry? Not freak out about anything? Bishop, don't you understand? Quill's mom is dead! We were ambushed by Black Hearts trying to kill me! She's only dead right now because of me!"

Bishop whimpers and hangs his head again.

I instantly feel guilty. "Bishop...I'm really sorry, buddy. I... I'm not mad at you for anything. I'm just..." I swallow hard as tears burn in my eyes again. "I'm the reason my best friend lost his mom."

"I'm sorry, lady," he mumbles.

I anxiously wipe my tears away. "I'm so sorry, buddy," I hoarsely whisper, now I quickly leave the room.

♣ ♦ ♥ ♠

I don't care that I'm still wearing my pajamas and am covered in bandages, I don't care that a few of my guards try to insist that I stay in my room and rest, I don't care about anything except for getting to Quill.

I take off running once I get outside and leave my guards far behind me.

I ignore the pain that running causes my wounded arm and busted head, hell, I run faster, desperately looking for Quill.

He's where we always hang out at. On the edge of Pinnacle Peak, sitting with his knees to his chest as he stares out at the endless ocean rippling far below.

"Quill?" I pant as I rush over.

"Adara!" He startles and quickly stands, anxiously wiping the tears off his face. "What are you...what are you doing out here?" He shakily asks. "You should be resting, you have another Labor tonight."

I shake my head and quickly throw my arm around him, hugging him as tightly as I possibly can with one arm. "I'm so sorry," I painfully whisper.

He bows his head to my shoulder as he holds me closer. "It... it's not your fault," he manages to say softly as he quietly cries.

"Oh, Quill...I...I..." I trail off, struggling to find the right words to comfort him with. My heart is aching with agony for him. "I'm never going to let you go," I promise softly. "I love you."

He's unable to say anything as he hugs me tighter.

A few hours later we attend Queen Eastyn's funeral. Here in Raetri, the Royals are cremated and their ashes are freed in the wind to be swept over the ocean, carried away into the sunset. After the funeral, Quill returns to Pinnacle Peak with me at his side. We sit overlooking the ocean and watch the sunset, each lost in our own world of pain but comforted by each other's familiar presence.

I rest my head on his shoulder as the sun sinks lower in the sky, holding his hand tightly in mine. Unable to stand the silence radiating with agony, I softly start to Sing. Since I have no magic left, music doesn't magically morph out of the thin air and lights don't shine above us like the aurora borealis, but it doesn't matter. My soft, gentle voice lulls the pain for few moments and for the first time tonight, Quill's tears subside.

A few minutes after my lullaby tapers off, he quietly asks me, "do you think anything will ever feel the same again?"

I swallow hard as his question echoes in my mind for a moment. I briefly think of Vyndren driven to insanity after the murder of his sister. 

My mind drifts now to my own pain over the abduction of my mom... "I think pain changes us forever," I say softly, stroking the back of his hand. "But that doesn't mean we'll...we'll never feel hope again. I mean, you guys have given me hope at the darkest time of my life." And I remember Vyndren saying how it was because of me that he believes in hope again. If Vyndren can find it within himself to hope, then I know I can too.

And so will Quill. Eventually.

"Thank you, Adara," he takes my hand to kiss. "I have no idea what any of us would do without you."

"Oh, Quill," I sigh with pain and bow my head. "Sometimes I think all of you would be better off without me."

"How could you say that?" He gently takes my chin and tips my head so my eyes meet his. "You're the reason any of us have hope."

"No," I brush his hand away. "No, I'm a disaster. Look at me." I gesture at the sling on my arm and the purple of my skin. "I have no magic left. It'll take at least a day before my magic returns and I won't be as strong as I was after completing my fifth Labor. How am I supposed to complete tonight's Labor?" I frantically shake my head. "Quill, I...I don't think I'll going be able to wing this one." I hide my face in my hand with a groan.

"I don't think winging it and having talent are the same things," he assures me. "You've conquered each Labor thus far not because of chance or dumb luck, but because you actually have the skills that it takes to succeed."

"I thought I was supposed to be comforting you," I smile faintly as I meet his gaze again.

"We're here for each other, love," he puts his arm around my shoulders and holds me closer. "There's still a few hours before your Labor tonight... We'll think of something." He puts his head against mine.

"Right," I softly agree, forcing myself not to panic. I'll think of something.