Shadowed

Bubblebath

My eyes were swollen as I waited for the water to run down into the bathtub. I just fought with my parents.

I hate passive-aggressive people. My dad cheated on my mom a couple of times but they didn't break up. I think they should've. Cheating is the worst thing anyone could do. That's why I hold a grudge to my father and our relationship has never been the same after that. I was super close with my mom but I feel like she likes my little brother more. I've always felt like that. I have never been the first choice.

I wiped my tears away as I took my bathrobe off and put my hair up in a messy bun. I carefully sat in the tub, getting used to the warm water. I got goosebumps. I leaned my head back until it hit the wall. I closed my eyes and got lost in my thoughts.

I feel like I'm never enough. To a guy. Is there going to be someone who thinks I'm enough? That's all I'd want to know right now. I don't want to wait for that person and then never meet him. I used to be a romantic but I'm not anymore...I think. Now when I have a one-night stand I like to leave before they can throw me out.

To be honest, I love to be used. I love it when men use me for my body and don't care about me at all. I don't care about them either. I love the feeling when a guy sends me money to send him a dirty pic. I can't explain it but I like it.

Sometimes I still can't help but wonder if I'll ever feel love. Sometimes I feel like I'm only worth it for a one-night stand. I've thought about having kids and family but I don't see that happening, at least in the near future.

I don't know if I've ever been in love. I used to date Luka when we were little. After that, it was on and off for years. I think I might've loved him. Would a crush last for almost a decade otherwise? I honestly don't know.

Now we sort of hate each other. Just seeing his stupid face pisses me off.

I used to date this other guy too, Nikolai. I was 16 then while he was 19. We dated for a year. Luka and he had bad fights about me. Nikolai...honestly just his name gets me goosebumps. It was not my brightest time. He used to sell drugs. He was the one who got me into smoking. He used to abuse me. He cheated on me...twice. When I found out I created a fake account on Instagram and sent him the proof saying, "Pay me 200 or these pics will be sent to your precious girlfriend". He did send me the money, which was unbelievable. I broke up with him but he didn't allow that. I don't want to think about him. He disappeared two years ago. I'm glad he did. If I will see him again, I'll kill him. Unless he'd kill me first.

I feel like nobody wants to date, nobody who would be good to me. I think I do seek male attention even though I don't like to admit it. I am a boring girl. People never want to listen to me or they can't hear me properly because I don't speak clearly or I speak too quietly. They're not interested in what I have to say. Nobody wants a boring girl. They want girls who are lustful and funny and someone who entertains them. And I'm only like that when I'm drunk. That's why I get drunk multiple times a week.

I often cry myself to sleep because I feel so fat. I've gained 2 kilograms. I have had problems with food since I was 12. I haven't felt comfortable in my body since I was 9. Sometimes I still have problems with eating. I either eat too much or too little. I have no moderation. Lately, I've lost a lot of weight which made me feel a bit better about myself. I also have been dying my hair to black for years but now I feel like I should try red. Every kilogram that goes up in the scale, the uglier I feel and the more insecure I feel. I never want anyone to lift me because I think they couldn't even lift me.

Having problems at home is honestly so exhausting but I can't afford to move on my own yet. Anastasia bought an apartment a year ago and I spend a lot of time there.

I don't think I'm the best at handling feelings, usually, I just suppress them. I have been forgetting to take my depression pill for a month now. I like to suppress my feelings by binge-watching some show or downloading a video game to my phone. Gossip Girl is mixing up with real life. I can't go through my emotions. I just can't. I'll fall apart and I don't have time for that. I feel like I'm drowning. I'm drowning and there's no one to help me. I can't help myself. I don't what to do.

I opened my teary eyes and saw the bubbles on top of the water. They made me a bit happier. It's an option to go under this water and just stay there. But I couldn't do that to Anastasia. Nor to Mila and Love.

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Words: 918