𝐑𝐞𝐝𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐲 - Maze Runner, Newt

Chapter sixty-eight - Mixed Feelings

The whole way we ran back, I couldn't stop thinking about the nightmare. I was also scared everyone would ask about it. I didn't want to tell them about it. Especially the part where Newt jumped off the wall got me thinking. Maybe it was a memory instead of a nightmare? It felt so real. But the Griever didn't make sense. They wouldn't just punish me like that. Maybe half of the nightmare actually happened? A dark feeling formed in my stomach when I thought about Newt's attempt. Why didn't I stop him? Jesus Christ, Nora. I can't do anything about that. I couldn't do anything. It's not my fault.

But after all, it did feel like my fault. Everything did. It didn't even make sense for me to think that, but I still did.

'Hey, you okay?' Minho asked once we got out of the maze.

'Yeah.'

~

At dinner, I didn't look at the others much and hoped they wouldn't ask about the nightmare. Telling Newt about it would make him upset, I was sure about that. And the Griever thing was just... weird.

'We think we can escape soon.' Thomas announced. I didn't respond and waited for the others to do.

'I hope so.' Newt muttered.

'We're close.' Logan added.

Why do I remember so much about my past, except for the way out of the maze? Why do I remember such horrible things, but not the things I actually need to know? I had the urge to cut again, but tried to convince myself not to do it. I promised Logan and Newt. I needed to come to them when I felt like harming myself. Tears formed in my eyes as I bit my lip. Stop. Stop. Stop. I'm overreacting. What if I just do it in another place? They won't notice. No, no, no. I'm not going to do it. I'll just tell them. But Chuck is sitting at our table right now. I can't tell it in front of him. I'll just talk to them in private.

But eventually, I didn't talk to either of them. Harshly I got up from the table and with tears in my eyes, I walked away.

'Where are you going?' Newt asked, but I ignored him and walked even faster. After closing the door behind me and putting a chair in front of it, so it would be locked, I broke down on the floor. I let the tears fall down and let out a few sobs. I searched for the knife and looked at it. Logan and Newt would see it if I did it on my wrists so I decided to do it in another place. My thighs.

This isn't right. I need to tell them. They were so proud of me and I can't even go a week without harming myself.

I rolled my shorts up a little and slashed the skin on my thigh. A small cry escaped my mouth and tears formed in my eyes at the pain. But it was so relieving. I made one more cut.

'Nora? Are you okay?' I suddenly heard.

I flinched and dropped the knife on the floor.

'Nora? Open the door!' I recognized Newt's voice.

'In a minute!' I said, trying to hide the panic in my voice. Quickly I put the knife away and wiped the wet tears off my cheeks.

'No, Nora. Open the door right now!' Newt ordered.

'I'm getting dressed! Just give me a minute, okay?'

'I've seen you without clothes before, Nora!' Newt raised his voice. 'Now get out of there before I-.'

'Calm down, Newt!' I interrupted him. As fast as possible I rolled my shorts back down and tried to stop the bleeding. The feeling of my clothes rubbing against my cuts hurt, but I didn't show any emotion.

'Get out!' Newt shouted again.

'Newt, please stop shouting!' I felt tears form in my eyes again. Why am I so emotional? He's only worried about me. I shouldn't be crying just because Newt screams at me.

'Nora, open the door! I'm worried about you! What if you-.'

I harshly interrupted him again by opening the door. 'Are you happy now?' I snapped but immediately regretted it. The guilt of cutting myself washed over my whole body and I couldn't look Newt in the eyes.

'Show me your wrists, love." Newt instructed, his tone a little more gentle than before. I unwrapped the bandages on my wrists and showed them. Newt frowned.

'I told you I was getting dressed.' I mumbled.

'Sorry.' Newt apologized. 'I didn't mean to yell at you.'

'It's okay.' I quickly said. I was the one who was supposed to be sorry. Not him. I was the one lying to him.

~

Quickly, without Newt seeing it, I changed my pants and put on my pajamas. Newt did too and we lay down in the bed. The tension was definitely there.

'Are you okay?' Newt interrupted the silence.

'Yes.' I paused. 'Are you?'

'Yeah.'

Both of us were silent for a second again until Newt let out a chuckle under his breath.

'What?'

'We could get Minho and Chuck back, you know?' Newt smiled and moved a strand of hair out of my face.

'What do you suggest?' I chuckled lightly.

'Hmm.' Newt replied. 'Throw a bucket of cold water over their heads. Minho doesn't like it when his hair gets ruined.' He laughed.

'I like that idea.' I smiled. 'Tomorrow morning?'

'For sure.' Newt grinned. I looked into his eyes and before I knew it our lips connected. Immediately a warm and comfortable feeling formed in my stomach. His touch made me feel better and it was almost hypnotizing. Newt moved his hand to my waist and I lay down on top of him. For a split second, we let go of each other again.

'I love you.' Newt breathed.

'I love you.' I smiled and pressed my lips to his again. My hands cupped his face as Newt's hand was still on my waist.

'Good night, love.' Newt said once we let go again.

'Good night, lizard.'

~

A/N: A little bit of a happy ending :)