The sin of gluttony

a glimse of hope

This evening has been exhausting, but as I was leading Cael to bed so he could finally rest, I had absolute stillness in my thoughts. I could just tell he was trying to be charming, but why? I can't read this man.

I met his eyes and attempted to communicate without saying a word, hoping that he would understand what I was trying to convey. He nodded and lied down on the bed.

''You...'' 

I didn't let Cael finish: ''shush, stop it big man''. 

I lied down beside him, but I turned to the side so he could see me. I read in books that even if it seems preposterous, especially to do this in a lady's bed, it could disturb the person and make them anxious, but it can also be comforting for the person to see your face to know you don't mean any harm. I am willing to take the risk for Cael's sake.

He didn't turn to his side, which I finally realised how it could be interpreted. I have to say, I was disappointed and felt discouraged to continue the conversation, but I am not a person who gives up easily. (especially not on people)

''You didn't let me finish,'' Cael said whilst looking at my ceiling, ''I was about to ask why you didn't want to dance with me''.

''Cael, I swear to the mighty lord above,'' I said trying to showcase his dire behaviour, but I decided I have had enough, ''I will hit you.''

Cael's eyes fluttered just a centimetre.

He let out a snicker, his voice laced with amusement. "A lady of noble stature should never resort to physical force against a man," he said, finally turning to meet my gaze. "But in this particular situation, it seems the roles have been reversed. Perhaps it should be, 'A man shouldn't strike a woman!'"

''Unfortunately, you know all too well that I don't even require the training for any of this physical combat,'' I exhaled while comically gesturing with my hands all over the place.

Simultaneously, we both uttered in a gloomy tone: ''Truly a shame.''

I sprung up on the bed, causing it to creak. ''You share the same thought process?''

''We wouldn't dare to spoil your bed on the first night; that's something reserved for the wedding night," he said with a wink, prompting an eye roll from me.

''I know this may cause some discomfort, but do you want to talk about this relationship?'' I asked carefully, not knowing how he would react.

''Well, what have you gathered from our interactions?'' 

''I am not intelligent enough to answer to that question.'' My father would always preach that men only liked women who lacked intelligence.

''Look, I don't typically give just anyone compliments,'' he was reaching out for my hand, awaiting for me to reach out too, but I was far more curious what he was going to convey next, ''but if anyone is deserving of them, that is you, and I hope you know that.''

I glanced toward my hand and his, hesitating momentarily before choosing to hold it. The rawness of the moment overwhelmed my senses, but I wouldn't want to share that with him, so I just remarked: ''If you would be shameless enough, can you indulge me with your compliments?''

''You are shameless.''  He said sarcastically.

''Oh, how so?'' I beamed.

''Anyhow, can we put the relationship thing on pause?'' He asked in a soft tone.

''Of course, I understand how it feels.'' I said without realising the irony of the situation.

''While we are on the subject, can you, perhaps, forget about my outburst of emotions?'' I averted my gaze.

''Which one?'' He gently lifted my chin to make sure I was looking into his eyes, ''How you couldn't cease your sobs, or how you started to let your anger take hold of you?

I felt my face flushing.

''All of my emotional distress if you don't mind.'' I quickly covered my face with my fingers, desperately trying to hide from the embarrassment and hide my blush.

He retracked his hands and probably his plan, that he came up with as this whole situation was escalating. Fortunately, I'm not complaining. I calmed myself and quickly put together a little speech which would help him open up to me.

I sat up and got out of bed, whilst he, as always, was probably tense watching my every move. I untied my hair while making my way to face him. I won't hide, and it's time he finally realised that.

I was facing him with let-down hair, if he doesn't understand this sentiment, I will be disappointed. He also was sat up and ready to get out of bed.

''Stay there! Don't dare to even move an inch.'' I said pushing his shoulders down.

I straightened, ready to make this night unforgettable. For better or for worse. I closed my eyes and was ready to make everything right.

''Listen, I understand how all of this is overbearing,'' I said while taking hold of my words and trying to be as careful and precise I can be, ''but before you even start.''

Running a hand through my hair with closed eyes, I steadied myself. I understand how this could send mixed signals, but I value myself far more than him misunderstanding for a second and then being proved wrong instantly. 

I opened my eyes, looking straight into him, ''It's very important to understand your fiends and friends, but I would appreciate if you thought of me as a neutrual person, who could blossom into something more.'' 

I could tell he wasn't having a jolly time listening to me, but it is too important to ignore.

''Actually, if you want, we can go to bed.'' He was drained, and I knew. Far too obvious, but maybe that's his way of communication, who was I to judge?

He pushed himself to talk to me: ''No, if you are willing to put all of this effort in, then I am ready...''

The silence was deafening.

I understood that he wanted to share more, but I won't push him.

''Right, of course, it would benefit the two of us!'' I said with an awkward grin.

''You are right about that.'' He tried to contribute to the conversation. It was comforting.

That's what worries me the most. This man is a hundred different people depending of the situation. How will I ever figure out which is the real him? When we first met, it felt perfect, like a match made in heaven. But now, everything has turned upside down. Will he even be able to be my romeo? I just want to be loved.

Without noticing, the atmosphere had turned sour. I had crossed my hands, hid my face in my hair, and lowered my head. 

I snapped out of it, and I saw that he wasn't in the bed anymore. My heart was thumping, not understanding how I didn't even notice this detail.

''Shhh, it's fine,'' He murmured, gently stroking my hair and with one hand wrapped around my waist, ''I may not fully grasp the severity of the situation, but just try to relax.''

I found solace in his embrace. I closed my eyes, leaning into his embrace, feeling the weariness of the evening catch up with me. It was as if the rest of the world faded away, leaving only the two of us in that vulnerable moment.

We could put off this ''investigation'' for another evening. 

"I don't know what lies ahead for us," I whispered, admitting my concern, "but I want to discover the true you. I want to know the authentic you."

''I understand,'' he said in a soft tone, carrying me bridal style to my bed.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and whispered in his ear: ''You're making me regret that I couldn't carry you like this to bed.''

I could feel his chuckle.

Together, we will be able to get past this and maybe even thrive in this envoirment.