Solace in You

Prologue

Ang bigat sa dibdib. Kelan kaya mawawala ang mabigat na nakadagan sa'kin? Mawawala pa nga ba? Paano? Saan ako magsisimula? Kelan ba matatapos 'to?

I sobbed. "Ma, balik ka na rito. Hindi ko kayang wala ka, Ma. Dami pa nating pangarap 'di ba? Pupunta pa tayong ibang bansa. Tatakbo pa tayo sa snow, 'di ba? Mag eexplore pa tayo." I wiped my tears using my hand and tried to catch my breath.

"Ba't ka naman ganyan, Ma? Ba't mo naman ako iniwan dito? Alam mo namang ikaw lang ang meron ako, Ma. Ayoko na rito, Ma. Ma, please, balik ka na. Miss na miss na kita. Ayoko dito, Ma. Balik ka na!" Iyak ako ng iyak habang nakaharap sa lapida ni Mama. Patuloy ko itong hinihimas na para bang mukha ni Mama ang hinahawakan ko. Ma, please...

Patuloy sa pag tulo ang luha ko sa gilid ng aking mata habang ako'y nakatitig sa kulay asul na langit. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula, Mama. Hindi ko alam kung kelan ko matatanggap na wala ka na. Para namang hinintay mo lang ako na makagraduate at makapasa ng board exams. Sinisimulan ko pa nga lang 'yung pangarap natin, Ma. Bakit naman ganito?

"Ang hirap," iyak ko pa. Hirap na akong huminga sa maghapon kong pag iyak dito sa sementeryo. Nakahiga ako sa blanket na green at may dalang mga pagkain na hindi ko naman nagalaw dahil wala akong gana.

"Magtatrabaho ako, Ma. Susubukan kong mag-ipon para unti-unti kong matupad ang mga pangarap natin. Babalik ako dito sa susunod na sobrang proud sa sarili ko, Ma. Hintayin mo lang ako."

I tried. I tried to love my job but failed. Hindi ko makita kung ano pa ang halaga ng pagtatrabaho ko kung wala naman na ang Mama ko. I was living for her, but now I don't see any reason to live anymore. But, still, I tried. Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe tomorrow something new will happen.

For the past few months, I've encountered sleepless nights because of overthinking and making a PowerPoint presentation for my students with tears clouding my eyes. I can't help but to feel lonely with the silence that's surrounding our house. No more Raffy Tulfo background music whenever I'm busy doing something and Mama ranting about the problems on the show she's watching.

Swallong the lump on my throat, I continued making a PowerPoint and a lesson plan. I chose to listen to a happy playlist to lighten up my mood, it didn't work much but it distracted me a bit.

My students somewhat helped me to take my mind off the negative thoughts. Nalilibang ako sa kakulitan at kaingayan nila kaya I am thankful for them.

"Teacher Iris," Maia called me. She's a very sweet girl. Sobrang yaman ng pamilya nila pero she's very humble and I really like her. She's also smart. Laging nangunguna sa klase.

I smiled kindly at her. "Bakit po?" I asked.

She held my hand and dragged me towards her chair.

"I have lots of chocolates for you, Teacher Iris. Bigay ng Uncle ko and sabi niya ishare ko po sa'yo kasi madami 'to and I said yes, kasi po like kita so much!"

She's already in grade 7 pero since nagsisimula pa lang ang klase kaya siguro hindi pa siya gaanong highschool kumilos o magsalita. Nadadala niya pa rin 'yong kilos elementary and it's really cute.

"I told Tito that sometimes you look sad, Teacher. Sometimes I see you staring outside and you look really sad po, that's why he told me to give you some chocolates and to give you this letter for you to feel better!" Daldal pa nito.

She gave me a pink folded paper and some different kinds of chocolates in a small paper bag.

I smiled at her and ruffled her hair. "You're so sweet, Maia. Thank you. Tell your Uncle that I appreciate it, okay?"

She hugged me and whispered, "I hope you'll be happy, Teacher Iris. I love you!" then ran towards her friends to share some chocolates.

I smiled. I put the paper bag.

I opened the paper and I saw at least 6 motivational quotes in there that made me smile. It also has a note on the bottom part of the paper. Ang ganda pa ng pagkakasulat, parang sulat kamay ng babae.

"Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking." – Steve Jobs

One of the quotes said so, and so I will. I will live my life the way how I wanted it to be. But how do I want to live my life? What do I want to do?

Right now, all I could think of is peace and a break from everything. Maybe after this school year, I'll take a break from everything and look for my purpose in this chaotic world.

"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." – Mark Twain

I smiled as I read the note again.

"Thank you for being so patient with my niece. Keep up the good work, Teacher Iris. Your efforts are very much appreciated by everyone. You're the best."

Time to bring sunshine into my life again.