Solace in You

Chapter 7

She looks like home. She is my home. A person who'd I'd run to whenever things gets tough and whenever I have an exciting news to say. She made me feel safe, loved and worthy. She never doubted me. She pushed me be better, to test my limits and explore the world. She lived for me. She worked so hard to give me a better life and it sucks that I didn't get the chance to spoil her, to make our dreams come true.

"Anak tingnan mo ang bulaklak na 'to. Ang ganda, bagay sa 'yo." She put the daisy on my ears. Pinitas niya 'to kanina bago kamo makarating dito. I touched it softly. I looked at her and smiled. She clapped her eyes in satisfaction. Bahagya akong natawa. I miss you, Mama.

Her eyes glinted with pride. "Ang ganda naman ng anak ko! Sabi na't babagay sa 'yo 'yan. Halika, picture tayo."

We ate and bonded as we sat on the grass and watched the lake as it flows towards a single direction. Tanging ihip ng hangin at pag sayaw ng mga dahon lamang ang naririnig. The cold wind brushed against my hair and I thought it ruined it. But the look on Mama's face says otherwise.

"Ang ganda mo, Ayeng. 'Wag mong kakalimutan 'yan. Maganda ka at mahal na mahal ka ni Mama. Gusto ko masaya ka palagi kasi deserve mo 'yon. Napaka bait mo, sobrang swerte ko at ikaw ang ibinigay sa 'kin ng Diyos."

I whimpered as she slowly touch my hand. She caressed it. Napapikit ako. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang malamyos na pag haplos niya sa kamay ko. She gently squeezed it. Napadilat ako. Nagsisimula na namang tumulo ang luha. She shook her head and wiped my tears using her thumb.

"Tanging gusto ko lang sa mundo ay sumaya ka, Ayeng. Ayokong nalulungkot ka. Ayong umiiyak ka. Nandito lang naman si Mama palagi para sa 'yo. Lagi kitang babantayan. Gagabayan pa rin kita, hmm?" Mama gently said. She bite her lips to stop it from trembling. She gave me a small smile. "Bitaw na, Ayeng. Masaya na si Mama rito. Ilang buwan na rin namn ang nakalipas. Matapang ka, alam kong malalagpasan mo rin 'to. Laban, Ayeng, ha?"

I sobbed loudly. I can't, Ma. Hindi ko kayang bumitaw. Ang hirap.

"Miss na miss na kita, Mama. Balik ka na, please," tangis ko. Lumapit siya't niyakap ako.

She slowly caressed my hair, as if comforting me. I cried harder. Ayoko magpaalam, Ma... Maawa ka.

She hugged me tightly. I kept on crying.

"Mahal na mahal kita, Ayeng ko. Ikaw lang ang minahal ko ng ganito sa buong buhay ko," she kissed my head a couple of times. I can hear her silent cry.

"Sobrang miss na rin kita, pero magkakasama rin naman tayo sa susunod. Sa ngayon, ito na ang oras para tuparin mo kung ano ang gusto mo. Sarili mo naman ang isipin mo. Alamin mo kung sa'n ka sasaya, Anak. Gawin mo kung ano ang gusto mo. Susuportahan kita sa lahat."

She hugged me tight then whispered, "Nandito lang ako naghihintay. Hindi mo kailangang magmadali. Mahal kita, Ayeng ko ."

"TATAWAG NA BA AKO NG PULIS? AMBULANSYA? SHIT, IRIS!" I blinked hard. Oh, right. I'm now home. I remembered that dream again. I sighed loudly. Buti naman at napagod na ako kakaiyak. Apollo kept on calling for my name and it seems like he totally lost his cool. Panay katok pa rin nito sa bintana.

I tried my best to get my phone. It almost slipped from my hands dahil sa panghihina, buti na lang at nakaya kong higpitan ang kapit.

I dialed Apollo's number and waited for him to answer the call.

"Iris?" He sounds unsure.

I cleared my throat. "Buhay pa 'ko."

He sighed a breath of relief. The corner of my lips lifted.

"Thank fuck," he muttered. "Can I come in? Or ayaw mo ng bisita?"

Ayoko talaga ng bisita. I don't want anyone to see me in this state. But I have no choice. I want to fight and in order to do that, I know that I might need help sometimes.