Dear Nick

Oct 26th 2022 8:53pm

Dear Nick,

Yeah, I'm writing you another letter, you don't have to read them, but in all honesty, you will probably never see this anyways. Bella knows my password, so Bella if you see this, you can decide whether you want Nick to read this or not. I trust your judgment. Nick, I promise I'm not stocking you. Trust me, it's just you really make me feel better. I feel so alone without you. Is it my imagination making me feel this way? Making me think you care? Is it all my suicide attempts taking over? All the pills I've taken? I'm falling apart. I'm faking smiles. Everything is great. Everything is fucking great. Kept myself busy, and distracted. Starring at the stars when I sneak out at night to look at the sky. All that is on my mind is you. All that I feel is this horrible feeling that only goes away when I'm with you. It's sad, but I literally dream about you. When I have a nightmare, I could be getting stabbed, and the first thing I think is "I need Nick." I could be terrified, but the second I find you, it's a little better. I had a dream about a man trying to shoot me and a clown trying to get me, you wanna know who the first person was that I thought to go to? It was you. Even though I couldn't speak because I was petrified, I knew that you would keep me safe. Another time I had a dream that I got shot, and I was happy to die because you were by my side. And another dream, it was the end of the world and I told Bella she could sleep in my bed because everyone left who was living on my property. I left because the government wanted to put me through a school. I happened to stop at a park and you were there. I was sitting on a bench and you sat next to me. I told you I was scared because this school is like the military. You stood up and hugged me. You made me feel better. Your beautiful, beautiful smile made all my fear go away. I know they were just dreams, but they still meant something to me. I think about you a lot. Not in a weird way. Just randomly. Like, "Is Nick here? I wonder how he is," or "I hope Nick is at school today, he'll make me feel better." I love you so much, Nick. I've been thinking about death for a while. I knew I wouldn't make it to college, but now that I'm losing you, I won't make it past my Sophomore year. Don't worry though, you'll see me soon, and your time comes, just look up at the moon. Every night, just a few more pills. People have told me I look horrible, that my eyes are glazed over and I look exhausted. One more pill goes down, now five. Does it even matter? When I'm with my band family, I should be having fun. I should be happy, but something is wrong. I thought that, but then it hits me. Shit, I need you. I need you so badly, but I don't reach out to you. Something is holding me back. I go to school and get away from the pills. I ask myself, "Is it over?" Maybe I was lying when I told you everything was okay. And all of these thoughts and feelings are too much. Cheers to my soon-to-be death. I've been checking my phone all evening, hoping you would text, yet knowing you wouldn't. Such a good time. I believe it this time. I believe that I won't last long without you. Haha, I must sound so pitiful. Writing you letters, saying how much I need you. My mind tells me that I am nothing to you. I am nothing to you, but part of me tells me that you care. That you care so much and that you want me to live life happy. That you want to stay my friend. My mind tells me that I am just a game to you. That you treat me well because it looks good on you. My heart tells me how amazing of a person you are and that you would never do anything to hurt me. I have this internal war going on inside me. If you do see this, it is because my mind had won the war. I'm sorry for being a worthless piece of shit. I'm sorry for being a waste of space. I'm sorry that I love you with every molecule of my being. I'm sorry.

-Sam