Dear Nick

Dec 20th 2022 1:29pm

Dear Nick,

It's been a bit. It's your birthday today. I'm happy for you, yet I'm a little upset. Now you are 18. I have some things I want to say to you. I'm sorry for always wanting a hug and texting you constantly. I just want you, that's all. All your flaws, mistakes, smiles, giggles, jokes, sarcasm everything. I just want you. I want to be the one that you are afraid to loose. Yes, you aren't here right now, but you are never off of my mind. I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did. And you didn't mean to hurt me, but you did. That's okay though, as long as you are happy. I look at you and so many thoughts come to my head. Like how I want to annoy you for the rest of your life and you would still love me. You make me smile so effortlessly. I don't know how, but you do. Only you can give me that feeling. The feeling of being at one with life and myself. I promise I am not mad at you, I'm just hurt. Trust me, there is a difference. The hardest thing I'll ever have to do is walk away still madly in love with you. And If I die tomorrow

keep the same energy & attitude you had about me today... don't try to show excessive love. When I'm dead & it's too late.

I wish, you'd look at me like the way I look at you. I wish, you'd search for me like the way I search for you wherever I go. I wish you'd love me like the way I love you. But I know you do not want me, and I know you will never be mine. It hurts, but I still love you. Sometimes I turn over memories in my head, and I think, I should have kissed you then, and I should have touched you then, and I should have held you more tightly then. But mostly I turn over just one memory in my head, and I think, you shouldn't have left me then. I want to know you. I don't mean your favorite color, food, and your middle name. I want to know those, too, but I mean, tell me about the time you were learning to ride a bike. Tell me the nightmares you have, the struggles you've dealt with, if you ever feel alone. Tell me if there's a voice in your head that tells you "you're not good enough". Tell me your secrets, your thoughts, about your childhood, how you got that scar on your knee, if you sucked your thumb. Tell me about your first love and heartbreak. I want to know everything so I'd understand you. I hope I cross your mind once in a while just so I don't feel stupid for thinking about you all the time. I'm scared, for someone to realize how truly amazing you are, for someone else to kiss your lips, for someone else to take my place, for someone else to have your heart.

When I text you, it means I miss you. When I don't text you, it means I'm waiting for you to miss me. I don't know exactly when, but at some point during one of the minutes of one of the hours of one of the days, I fell for you. No calls, no texts, nothing. But here I am thinking about you like crazy. Haha, I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my smile, my laugh, my everything. The sad thing is, after everything, I still love you and after how hard I tried, I'm still going to loose you.

-Sam