Dear Nick

Oct 31st 2022 1:55pm

Dear Nick,

You said hi to me as you went to throw something away, I walked away and when I came back you were gone. Probably trying to head to class early. I need to weigh myself. If I gain weight you will forget about me. I need to get skinny so you want me. It feels like it's been forever since you last hugged me. Like held me kind of hug. When you hug me, you seem to hold onto me. I like that. It makes me feel like you care. It makes me feel better. I'll learn how to turn down food. I just need to say no. I'm stuck inside space and time, it feels like I'm dead inside. Nobody even looks at me, they all just walk on by. All that I got is you on my mind. Fuck, I'm crying. I'm sorry. I'm not good with compliments, just as bad with sentiments. I'm so afraid that I'll sound disingenuous when I thank people for being kind to me. I thought I could handle it. Filing my accomplishments, but I can't tell which ones are good or which ones are bad, because nothing ever seems good enough for me to say, I'll be okay. It's funny how I think about you all the time. Do you ever think of me? You are always so nice to me. You sat with me at ratings last year so I wouldn't sit alone. It's probably sad that I remember all the little things you've done for me. I remember them because they mean a lot to me. I blast loud music in my ears to try to block out the world around me. I can't stop thinking about if I've lost any weight today. I weighed 199.6lbs this morning. When I get home I'll find out if I've lost anymore. If I gain, I'll have to punish myself. I need to be small for you. I've liked you for a while, Nick. I can't handle losing you. My mental health is going down hill. I need you to save me. I know I'm being selfish. I'm sorry. I love you.

-Sam