The line between love and obsession

The darkness within me

Lan Xichen knew grief-he had lost both his parents by the age of 11. But nothing could have prepared him for what was to come.

Meng Yao wasn't the first person he dated. In high school, he had dated this sweet girl, who was his classmate. In college, he casually dated this boy from a music major for a few months. Then, he met Meng Yao, who was warm, pretty and smart, and his life took a 180-degree turn for better-his once serious life had become iridescent. Being part of the same social circle, he had seen Meng Yao at parties, but they really hit it off when they had to share a project for their business class.

In the beginning, when Meng Yao's crimes were exposed, Lan Xichen had defended him. The Meng Yao he had known for so many years wouldn't have done something like this, and it was all a big misunderstanding. But when the list of his crimes started growing bigger, Lan Xichen didn't know which one of his crimes should he be defending- the preponderance of evidence against him was just staggering. It would be a lie to say that he was completely clueless about Meng Yao.

After joining Jin Industries, there were slight changes in Meng Yao's personality; though he was as amiable as ever, he had become more evasive, and there were more secrets between them- but Lan Xichen was trusting to a fault. Lan Xichen was also blinded by love so toxic that he couldn't see the red flags in it.

On that fateful Monday morning, his life had tilted irrevocably by several degrees. The insurmountable pain he had felt that day had gotten him secluded inside his apartment. He had lost the sense of time. He had lost the enthusiasm for life.

That was the lowest point of his life-his memories from that period were completely muddled up in his head. But he clearly remembered that one day though. The day he had woken up parched, so he went to the kitchen for a glass of water, only to find his younger brother passed out on the couch. Lan Wangji looked so heartbroken, just like the time when their mother had died. Lan Xichen was already distraught, but the sight of it caused him more pain than usual as if a knife had been pierced through his heart.

Suddenly, an instinct to protect his brother from everything bubbled up, the way he used to when they were young. Lan Xichen felt a sudden surge of warmth in his heart. The love he felt for his younger brother, at that very moment, was a ray of hope that made him realize that maybe he wasn't as damaged now as he thought he would be. He still had a beating heart that was capable of holding love, and somehow it gave him peace and hope.

The recovery was a difficult journey; the more information he learned about Meng Yao as he joined back to the real world, the more deflated he was. When he found out that Meng Yao had cheated on him with many, he felt broken all over again, and he had to stitch his heart up and glue himself back together all over again. But no matter how much he tried, he couldn't fix a few things. As he had been broken so badly, he wasn't surprised by his sudden desire to stay away from people and relationships, but what had surprised him the most was the sudden outburst of his amorous need that had inflamed him, threatening to engulf him whole.

As he couldn't snuff out this flame of darkness within him, which was flaring up with every passing moment, he was able to repress it for a while. But that changed when he overheard the conversation of a few of his employees, who were chatting about using some "sugar baby" services. So, Lan Xichen decided to try it himself-just once. He tried it once...and that was the end of life, as he knew it.

Lan Xichen knew he had earned quite a reputation now, but he just didn't care. His friend, Nie Mingjue, was always annoyingly telling him to seek help and that his insatiable lust was just his way of attempting to fill the void inside him with mindless sex. But what did Nie Mingjue know anyway? Nie Mingjue hadn't felt the kind of pain that would numb your entire being or hadn't had something irreparably broken inside him.