him.

~|Chapter 16|~

(AN: authors note)
*^Early May^*

Realize that people have feelings and are actual human beings. It's something that I don't think people realize enough. Nonetheless, I'm experiencing writer's block right now, which is sad because I'm hoping to publish three chapters this week and next.

My intention is to write idoms and short versions of words, etc., rather than so many Y/N POVs. I'm excited for chapter 17,19. The drama continues, tea is served, final decisions are made, and mental health is discussed.

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|H/n|

I hope someone noticed that I tried my best this week. My grades have gotten better I guess, my friends and I have major plans for summer. As far as working goes, we will work during the summer.

Besides that we're going wild this summer, we made a bucket list on a whole ton of shit we're going to do.

Today I went out with my family for dinner, the dinner was on me of course I payed. I can't remember the last time when all of us sat together and enjoyed dinner. My sister hasn't moved out but she's never home, mum and dad are busy with work while me and brother go to the gym and work out or we hang out with friends. Plus we are never really at home all of us at the same time.|

Tomorrow I'm going out since it's Friday, me and friends have been thinking of going to this place called Kristiansand or Evje. We haven't decided yet but I think we are saving Evje for next year or in two years time, kristiansand however isn't that far by bus. It's been about a week since the incident with y/n. I haven't talked to her ever since. I guess it was a good thing to keep distance for a bit. Anywaysss I got a haircut, well a mullet. Think it looks good to be honest. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I actually tried killing myself. I've thought about it over the last few months but I could never go through with it because I'm always with someone anytime of the day.

In the end we all love each other, but find it hard to ask for help or too ask anything. That's what families for, to help, to grow, to love, to be there for one another.

In my case I haven't really growed with my family, I guess I've kind of just growed on my own away from my family.

It's been a while since I've been to rugby practice, to make it even more interesting it scares me to know I kind of fucked up with y/n.

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|Y/n|

I remember it all like it was yesterday, the memory of it happening haunting my brain. I lied to my therapist I told him I didn't think about it anymore. Because I was tired of everyone bringing it up and talking about it, I wanted to be finished with it so I could move on. Honest truth I don't think I can move on.

The memory haunts me everyday, everyday when I lay in my bed, everyday when I'm surrounded by boys/men or old men. The thought haunts me.
I'm terrified of being left alone with a anyone that's a male, after my sexual assault/rape everything changed. I changed.

How did I change just like that? My body changed. What he did to me always felt like my fault cause I couldn't stop it. Heck what am I saying I can't control what he did. The way my body responded to him that whole month it disgusted me. The way I was left alone. I felt completely useless everything felt so empty all of a sudden. I was empty.

I talk about sex, like I want sex. I talk about relationships like I want a relationship. I talk about how I hate men, when I really hate men.

Human rights? we don't like her.

Women rights? What's that?

Apartheid/BLM/ALM/Racism? We don't care.

Global warming/climate? not our problem.

World peace? what's the point.

At the end of the day who even has a voice anymore. Children not being heard, women losing more rights. It's not exactly fair is it.
I think about the richest of countries and how they could help land in need. I thought. That's the problem the world need to wake up. Everyone does.