the reality of brutality TOKYO GHOUL FANFICTION Amon x akira

fleeting freedom

"How old are you, 14? What use do we have with a 14 year old?," a huddle of ghouls spoke outside my cell.

"Um, I'm 21, I could buy scissors in England if I wanted or look at ghetto fight videos on youtube without making an account with a fake birthdate," I retorted.

"Jesus, you're such a dick."

"Don't hate the player, hate the game," he retorted. He opened my cell door. "Since you've been a good girl I'll allow you the privilege to walk around."

Immediately I became eager, it had been weeks since I was able to walk freely. He yanked me to my feet but then suddenly jammed a hypodermic needle into my arm under the long sleeves of my shirt. I jerked back in shock.

"What the hell?"

"It's RC inhibition fluid," he answered. "I don't want you using your kagune shit, if you try I'm killing you on the spot." Ah, I forgot they thought I was a ghoul.

He guided me to a large outside courtyard, it was a brilliant summer afternoon.

For the first time since my childhood I became elated at the presence of open space, I couldn't stop grinning, even dropping to my knees and groveling for a moment in complete appreciation and awe. I made it to my feet again and started galloping around the perimeter, I probably looked so stupid but in this moment I didn't care. The rush of wind on my face as I propelled myself forward was almost intoxicating, the feeling of motion and the use of muscles throbbed through my body with ebullience and satisfaction. The aches were beautiful and the breathlessness equally as exhilarating. I flopped to the ground and stretched my limbs out with light exertion. The feeling of cramped tendons and muscles being flexed was breathtakingly soothing. The sun was warm and bright, the sky a beautiful blue with clouds scattered across its soft, glowing surface.

I wished Amon was here so desperately, I wanted to share this feeling of freedom and wonder him more than anything. I laid on the ground for another 10 minutes, my eyes closed with soothing exhaustion, a comforting lethargy overcoming me. I wanted to stay outside forever, basking in the magnificence of the outdoors and freedom. Of course my supervisor trudged up to me and glared at me with annoyance.

"You done, bitch?"

"Go away" I muttered back. He stepped on my stomach and ground his boot into the sensitive flesh.

"We're going back inside, get up." I had no other choice but to oblige so I stood up and followed him back. As the sunshine faded with every further advancement into the base I became depressed again. Such beauty was again snatched from me right before my eyes, it seemed as though that was a perpetual theme in my life. He restrained me and led me back to my cell. After locking it and leaving me I became shocked with the deep emptiness I felt. Once again I had nothing but myself, I was so lonely. I wanted Amon with me so terribly bad. The loneliness curled itself in my stomach and weighed down my body, the memories of prolonged isolation sucked the vitality from my bones and rendered me able to breathe or talk.

The following days I suddenly became incredibly sick, burning with intense fevers and sweating profusely. I was lightheaded and dizzy every moment of the day, all I could do was cringe and groan in agony. My captors failed to see that there was anything wrong with me and continued with their abuse. Following one episode they finally noticed.

"Why isn't she moving? Is she dead?" one stupidly asked. Another gave me a kick, at its ineffectiveness he grabbed me by the jaw and pulled me up to his face, my eyes were closed and my face clenched with weakness and pain."Say something, cunt!" he screamed at me. I was unable to respond. The gang member turned around to his peers.

"Maybe we should put her back in her cell and she'll recover, do I look like a fucking doctor?"

"Maybe put water on her and put a bandaid on her forehead."

"Are you retarded?" the other hissed. They dragged me back and threw me in the cell. I curled up into a tighter ball and trembled incessantly. Everything ached and throbbed so horribly, it was excruciating. I was reduced to panting and whimpering constantly, there was nothing to assuage the agony and scorching heat emanating from my body. I couldn't think straight I was so sick, I was lightheaded and barely conscious. Despite this eventually I came up with a hypothesis for why I had become so ill - it was likely the RC inhibition fluid. The drug was meant to suppress kagunes and since I lacked any it likely devastated my body. I was unable to eat and barely drink for days, the deficiency in food being counterproductive and deteriorating my body even further. I was so sick, completely incapacitated and helpless.The gang stopped beating me upon realizing that my inability to respond produced no satisfaction with their pain infliction. I eventually grew so ill I truly did look like I was dying - and perhaps I was.

I became deathly pale and emaciated, unable to speak or respond to any stimuli. I knew my death was imminent, succumbing to an illness was the last way I anticipated dying in the hands of these ghouls. I didn't believe in Near Death Experiences whatsoever, but I experienced some similar symptoms. I saw lights dancing before my eyes, was overcome with a calming contentment, I heard the voices of loved ones and at one point I experienced life from the perspective of an earthworm or some other ground constrained creature. I oscillated between different perspectives of animals, one minute I was running through a forest in the body of a deer and the next I was gliding fluidly through the air with the wings of a butterfly. Eventually my perspective expanded far beyond Earth, I felt myself leaving Earth and becoming enveloped into an ethereal entity. Is this what people called God? I felt embraced and loved surrounded by this ubiquitous presence. I was still tethered to logic at my core and knew realistically that these experiences were simply delusions and there were no gods. After about a week a few ghouls entered my cell.

"I think she's dead," one said reluctantly.

"Yeah, me too." The third turned to them.

"You can't be fucking serious, we fucking killed her?"

"Yeah..." the third ghoul let out a roar and grabbed his head in frustration.

"The leader is coming soon and he can't know we fucking killed her, he wanted to kill her himself. Fuck, this can't have happened, they're going to strip the meat from our bones if they find out we killed her." The other ghouls started to panic at the thought of that.

"Why don't we make it seem like she ran away or something? We'll get our asses kicked but we won't be mutilated like we would be if she died," another suggested.

"How the fuck do we do that?" another shouted.

"We should put a bag over her head and dye her hair incase someone removes it then throw her on the corpse pile." The other ghouls murmured in agreement.

"We can do that," they agreed. The following hours they dyed my hair a dark brown and smeared blood from the corpse pile (yuck) on my face. They put the bag over my head as planned and then threw me into the pile where their victims accumulated. Their bodies felt stiff and terribly cold, which to be honest was kind of soothing for my incredible fever. The ghouls talked amongst themselves in satisfaction then left me.

I was still too sick to think straight - so this was how I was going to die. I was going to die among a pile of dead men, my body would become as anonymous and insignificant as theirs. My existence would be erased from the world without thought or explanation or witness. Small tears formed in my eyes at that thought. No one would ever know what happened to me, Amon would be wondering and waiting for any information of my whereabouts for the rest of his life, never to have closure. What would happen to Maris Stella? I hoped desperately Amon would adopt her. Looks like Takizawa got the last laugh haha!

I realized how much I truly didn't want to die. I wanted to live. I wanted to experience the thrills, excitement and adventure of life with Amon. I wanted to experience shared intimacy, love and happiness with him. If I died we would never experience the wonderful things we could ever do - eat ice cream together in this lovely summer, go on a roadtrip, adopt 50 more cats, dance together, sing our favorite songs together, take baths together, swim together, it was utterly crushing that I would never do those things. I began sighing and exhaling deeply as I accepted my death, there would be no closure in my death but perhaps I would blink out with some reflection and contentment. I began to doze off as my sickness overwhelmed me, at least I would die without conscious agony... The following day I was jarred awake by the sound of gunfire, screaming and trampling of feet. Wait, what?--