the reality of brutality TOKYO GHOUL FANFICTION Amon x akira

nothing belongs in this world

I spent more than a month in solitary. In that time I grew emotionless and numb. Life was surreal, it was merely a series of conducts in perpetual succession. There was no substance to derive from these actions, they were purely meaningless obligations. I spent my days sleeping most of the time, I had long since acclimated to the absence of company and interaction. I no longer considered myself alive, let alone human. I was a mechanical object that happened to have self awareness, awareness that I tried to abnegate with every day. I no longer felt hate or resentment, I felt nothing but forced acceptance. I rarely dreamed anymore, but for some reason this night I dreamed of spending a night under the stars with Amon. In this dream I was shed of apathy and emptiness, I was my former self still with that sense of controlled vibrancy.
"What would you do if we ever got married?" Amon asked.
"Get fat and buy 40 cats."
"I thought we already planned to get 40 cats, but if you want to take the overweight route we can do it together, we need incentive to get a bigger car anyways," he replied.
"I never really thought about getting married," I confessed. "I never thought I would have someone in my life that I felt truly genuine and intimate connection with, let alone enough to dedicate myself to them forever."
"Would you ever have children?" he asked. I paused to think.
"I'm not sure. I've always considered children hindrances, they consume your life and make further progression impossible. When you have children they become the epicenter in which your life revolves, obstructing you from moving beyond your starting position," I replied.
"What if children are the apex of progression in your life?" he said.
"What's the point in having children? They're just going to suffer and die like the rest of us eventually."
"Wow, someone's emo today." He pulled me closer. "Children become the lens in which you can experience life from a perspective devoid of all biases. As we grow and mature as adults we become influenced by our environment and our mentalities change accordingly. With children they are a blank slate in terms of experience, they don't construe actions and situations in ways such as optimism, pessimism or even realism. They see them for the sheer basics of what it is, and there is beauty in simplicity. They don't see the logic in objects which allows them an infinite amount of creativity and imagination. We as adults could never understand how a child could interpret and play with a spray bottle as if it were an elephant, and children give us that ability. There is beauty in imagination, there is endless excitement in the unknown of what we can imagine and interpret things to be. Wouldn't you love to experience that excitement with your child? A child you've created and who will love you forever? Who will become a product of our wisdom which they will propagate to the world?" I never thought about that.
"I'm not sure," I admitted. "I don't enjoy deviating from the familiar, and children create a whole new world for you to live in." Amon laughed lightly.
"You'd be a wonderful mother, although you'd probably name them after an anime character, you'd still be wonderful! You do have great compassion and love deep within you," he said with warmth. To be honest, something I was very frightened about with having children was the fact that they put a deep vulnerability in you. If anything were to happen to them, it would affect you incredibly, having children compels you to give up everything for their sake and do everything in your power for their benefit. I didn't want something that I cared about so greatly it could be used to manipulate me.
What if my child experienced everything that I had in the last 4 months? It would burn a hole so deep in my soul to know they've suffered so greatly, I could not allow something to come into this world to suffer like I have. I don't think I could bear the emotional burden of watching my own child, my flesh and blood, be damned to suffer from the hollow emptiness and true misery that this world has become. If there were such thing as a truly good deed and if I were ever to commit such an act I think the refusal to bring another child into this world would be that. I will not hurt another human being by letting them into this world. By thinking beyond the images and illusions that have been cast upon so many people: of happy families and cute children- I've spared the innocence and agony of another soul. By reading between the lines and seeing what birth really is. A monster, a reaper of innocence. No child is innocent. Life fucks them the moment they take their first breath. A child does not belong in this world. Nothing belongs in this world.
I was suddenly wrenched from my dream at the hands of another guard. They yanked me into restraints and jerked me forward and out of the room without a word. So this was it, this was the time my death sentence would be fulfilled.