Bad is the new Good (on hold)

ONE--Ashes, Salt, and Dead Bodies

The smell of salty winds fills my nose in its swirly goodness as a whole. The waves crashes over the previously dried sand, drawing patterns with each grain. The end of the wave reaches my toes. I wriggle them in the water, creating ripples in the small puddles imprinted in the sand. This is the ocean.

It rises. It crashes. It retracts. It repeats. The waves engulfs each particle and remnant of what lies in the ocean's floor, moving it somewhere else; taking it on its own journey. One different than my own.

I come here after school, but I never have a reason to. But after school today, I actually have a reason; it is the day we are scattering my mother's ashes. She passed away a week ago. Nothing has been the same. My dad is a lonely and sulking being that never speaks to us anymore. He left us when Heidi was born. My little sister thinks that she is on a business trip. And I certainly have changed. I ruined my relationship, I shut out my best friends, and I am turning into those self-isolated people who forsake others. That is why I am moving states. So I am not only scattering my mom's ashes, but I am saying goodbye. Goodbye to the ocean.

I heard footsteps in the sand approaching me, but I ignore them. I'm getting pretty good at that lately. "Rudy? You uh... you look a little lonely," It says. I recognize it. It is my boyfriend. Was my boyfriend. Now, he is just Jeremy. I laugh a little, but it dies as quick as it began, "Yeah, I guess."

"What are you doing out here?" He manages to ask.

"Saying goodbye." I say reluctantly.

"To who?" He asks laughing.

"To what. I'm saying goodbye to a what, Jeremy. I'm saying goodbye to the ocean," I retort, "and I'm spreading my mom's ashes today."

"You're not taking them with you?"

"With my broken and messed family? I am a mess, my dad's left us, and Heidi is confused. For god's sake my mom is dead! And you wonder why I messed up our relationship-" My words slowly fade out at the realization of what I just said.

He heaves a sigh, "She'll be better off in one of the world's wonders anyways. Who knows, she'll get in a clam and form into a pearl or something, huh?" He says attempting to comfort me. It might have work if it wasn't for the fact that one of the few things I loved was ripped from me.

"Jeremy, I'm bad company right now. I would like to be left alone. I'll call you when I get fully moved, okay?" I squeaked.

He stands up and kisses the top of my head gently, "So long, Rudy."

God, Rudy! Why do you have to screw things up? What do you have to be so reclusive? All he wants is closure; to know if I'm alright. Would mom want me to act like this? To be this way? My subconscious argues. I hate her sometimes. No. No she wouldn't.

I hear the giggling of my three year-old sister. "Rudy!" Heidi squeals. I open my arms for her embrace. All this confusion must be bugging the shit out of her, and I have been too warped into my messed up self to notice. Damn Rudy, you absolutely are stupid.

The urn I have been holding, is warm and hard. I kiss it and whisper goodbye, then hand it to Heidi, who has her rubber gloves ready- too many sizes too big.

I feel a lump in my throat form as she tosses each hand full into the water. And with each throw I think of memories. Throw- when she taught me how to ride my bike, then I crashed into my neighbor's red mailbox; we laughed for hours. Throw- for my fourteenth birthday she threw me a surprise party. Throw- last summer when she took me out shopping and secretly bought me a silver necklace while I was getting my toes done. Throw- the last few hours in the hospital I had with her before she was gone. And Heidi keeps on throwing until we have an empty urn.

We fill the urn with rock and toss it in the water as well, for it to stay they for eternity. For it to go on a journey of its own. I stand at the brim of the wet sand. I just stand, waiting for her to rise out of the water- to be alive again. Oh, was I sadly mislead.

I walk to my car, taking Heidi with me. My eyes crave to cry, but I have never cried in front of anyone but my mom. I wait until I reach my car for the water works to begin. But to my suprise, no matter how bad I wanted to cry, I couldn't.

The U-Haul is on its way to our new house, I just have to drive there. Let the driving and grieving begin.

xxx

This lonely road has been bugging me for hours. But my mind has been occupied by a lot of things, I can't bring myself to care anymore. Maybe lonely is a good thing.

In this car ride, I have come to the idea to not tell anyone that me and Heidi don't have a legal guardian or they will put her in a foster home. I have lost everyone but her, I am not going to let them take her, not over my dead body.

"Rudy?" Heidi began. I tear my eyes from the road for a split second to see her in the rear view mirror, then continued to eye the street before me, "yeah?"

"Why did we throw dirt in the waters?" She asked. It wasn't dirt, it was our mother.

"Because, we are moving. It's a thing that big girls do." I answered. She looked as if she was trying to fit a puzzle together. "Rudy?" I sigh under my breath, "yes, Heidi?" She seemed a bit nervous. "When is mommy getting back from business?"

I don't answer at first, because I don't know how to. I might burst into a heaping mess of hot tears. I regain my composure and answer the best way I can, "I don't know babe, not for a while." She whispered an oh and fell back asleep. Car rides have never been her thing.

It doesn't take up long to get to Virginia, but we both make it there in one piece. I pull into our new neighbor hood and find out house. It's beautiful, but not as beautiful as our neighbors house. Their house is high class. Oh my god, I can't imagine the rent on this thing. I need to find jobs quick.

I pack what we have left. I left all of what was my dad's in Connecticut. So I have my everything else.

xxx

The u-haul has left and now the living room is full of a few boxes. To my surprise, the house was already furnished. Great! I have extra cash that I was going to spend on furniture. It can cover the first two months of bills only with a little extra left over. Also great.

It's a three bedroom house. One master bedroom downstairs. Two bedrooms upstairs. I let Heidi pick a room first, and I'm glad she picked the one with pink walls. The only room left has black walls. It was obviously a boy's room, I'll make it work.

I open the curtains to my new room and it has the direct view into the neighbors window. That's creepy. I don't think much of it and walk downstairs to unpack mom's room. You might call me crazy for giving her a room, but if DHS just unexpectedly walks into my house, I want it to look like we have a legal guardian with us. And I want to feel as if she is still with us of course. And I don't want to make Heidi suspicious.

As I finish unpacking my
Mom's room, the door bell goes off. "I'll get it!" Heidi shouts. Oh crap! Before I reach her she has already answered the door. I turn to the foyer to see her and a nicely dressed middle aged woman standing on my porch. "Hi," she speaks, "I'm Brandy, your new neighbor. I brought some brownies as a welcome gift. Lovely home by the way." She sounds nice. I thank her and invite her in. "Is your parents home?" Brandy asks. "Not yet. My mom is on a business trip, right now. She'll be back though." I answered. I hate lying, but I must protect Heidi. "Oh, that's okay. I would love to get the chance to meet her. After all, you are both adorable. How old are you guys?" Brandy asks.

"I'm eighteen and Heidi is three. Heidi, go play in your room babe. Sorry for not introducing myself. Hi, I'm Rudy." I answer while extending my hand.

"Nice to meet you Rudy. I have a son who is eighteen. I'll bring him over sometime," she begins, "on second thought, would you like to come to dinner tomorrow?" I nod my head and smile, "dinner sounds great."

She takes a step out of the door and hands me a slip. "Here is my number if you need me, see you tomorrow evening!" I wave and say thanks again and close the door behind me. I don't know how convincing my lies were, but I need to get really good at it if Heidi and I are going to survive together.