A Shot in the Dark (Thilbo - Bagginshield)

Chapter 28

"This is really not necessary," Bilbo grumbled as he marched through the battered battlefield to Thranduil's camp. "Really, the Orcs and Goblins are dead and gone, and there are Elves patrolling the area. I am perfectly safe walking back to the camp by myself."

"Of course you are," reassured Bombur from his left side. "But we worry over you. We want to make sure you're safe with the Elves and Men."

"And from yourself," Nori added from his right.

Bilbo gave him a side-eyed glare. "Those comments are why Dori doesn't leave you alone with Ori."

"Or with anything shiny," Bombur contributed with a wide smile that went against the gleam in his eyes.

Nori sniffed and waved a lazy hand. "Details, details, irrelevant number of details. Now tell me: are we going to visit the other Woman?"

He raised his brows and stared at the thief. "What?"

"He's talking about Bard," Bombur explained quickly.

"Yeah, your new mistress!" the other Dwarf chirped.

The Hobbit closed his eyes and took in a deep breath before releasing it through his nose. "Do you say these types of comments around Thorin? Because if that's true then I think I know why he went crazy on us all—"

"Please, Bilbo, give me a little credit here. Do I look like the type to taunt a warrior king?" Nori asked, holding a hand to his chest and giving the Hobbit a wounded look.

"Yes," Bilbo and Bombur replied in unison.

"Well, yes, maybe I would taunt Thorin a little bit," the thief admitted, holding up two fingers and pressing them nearly together to show the exact amount. "But even I know when to back the hell off. Thorin went crazy all on his own; he didn't need any help from me."

"No. That blasted stone did it all," he muttered, kicking a stray pebble across the ground. "I'm tempted to melt it down and remake it into the world's shiniest chamber pot."

"That sounds lovely," the cook remarked without batting an eye at the Hobbit's odd idea. "Perhaps you should ask for the Arkenstone as a wedding gift. I'm sure Thorin would give it to you then."

He squinted up at the Dwarf through the morning light. "What makes you so sure we're getting married? Thorin banished me from his sight, remember?"

"Yeah, but he didn't ask for his beads back," Nori pointed out, tugging lightly on one of the beads in question. "And have we forgotten the battle so quickly? I'm pretty sure I saw him protecting you there."

"Just because you love someone doesn't mean you're meant to be," he said quietly because he knew better than anyone that love was not enough at times. "What will his people think of me? And his sister and the rest of his extended kin? Not everyone is as accepting as all of you. Thorin has to take all of that into consideration."

"Thorin would not make a decision about marriage so lightly," Bombur chided gently. "You know that he always puts his duty first. He would not choose you to stand beside him if he did not believe you would be a good spouse and ruler."

Bilbo shuddered and wrapped his arms around himself. "Don't say that word! I'm no leader; I couldn't even lead my team during the picnic games!"

"Well, the consort doesn't exactly rule the mountain. Their job is to maintain the court, assist the king when needed, and look after the heir," Nori explained, counting off the different jobs with his fingers. "You already keep the Company in line; you stop Thorin before he does something stupid; and you keep a sharp eye on those two fools we call princes. I think you have this consort thing down by now."