to anyone reading this I apologize
v VERY satire
Tw: book is kinda gross(?) mentions snot, piss, & shit (currently)
I find it funny but some people might not
if you dont like that you should leave, I don't wanna make anybody uncomfortable)
ummm...
It was 7:00 am in the morning, I got up and opened my closet. I noticed I had ran out of laxatives, so I stole my dads car keys & my moms credit card. On my way to Walgreens I did end up crashing his car 3045 times, but it was okay! I made it anyways. I walked in and grabbed 654379 bottles of laxatives. "Wait... What the fuck?" I mumble, rubbing my eyes. I saw all 5 of the tally hall members in-front of me, I felt aghast.
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"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!! THIS HAS TO BE A DREAM, THERE'S NO WAY IM IN THE SAME EXACT STORE AS THOSE SHIT-MUSIC-MAKING FUCKFACES!!!!! They all gave me a weird look. "Who tf are you talking about?" asked Zubin Sedghi. "YOU, DUMBASS!!!! WHO ELSE???!" I shout. "What the fuck did you just fucking say about us, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to us in walgreens? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo." Joe Hawley threatens. "HAHAHAH!! You won't do anything!" I say cackling. They kidnap me and throw me into the backseat, I try to scream but Andrew Horowitz tapes my mouth shut. "PLEASE LET ME GO!!!! IM SORRY!!! YOU GUYS MAKE THE BEST MUSIC EVER!!! IM ACTUALLY A REALLY BIG FAN I WAS JUST JOKING WHEN I SAID YOUR MUSIC WAS SHIT!!!!" I say, my voice sounding muffled. I start crying loudly, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!" Rob cantor yells. They take me to their basement and tape me to a chair, Joe Hawley starts playing their song "Banana man" at an ear-deafening volume. They leave me there alone all by myself. My eyes become bloodshot and I start screaming at the top of my fucking lungs.
