The Art of Starting Over

Chapter 59 - Clean Slates Are Messy

The urgency on his face, in his voice, in the grip of his hands on mine, makes my heart race. I take a deep breath, bracing myself for what's coming.

"You said, we're too involved to play games, and you were right. We are. We both are. I need you to know that. I'm sorry about how this happened. I shouldn't have let things go this far without at least talking to you about it first. I should have known it was your first time," he sighs, his captivating eyes pinning me to the floor.

I shift uncomfortably. Why should he have known? Was I that bad? 

"It's not a big deal," I mumble slowly. But he sees right through me.

He shakes his head in protest and squeezes my hands further. "It is. I know you. You're very careful, you don't trust easily and... and I'm sorry. I mean... I'm not sorry. Christ... It was... It was incredible, Ally and knowing I was your first makes me beyond happy. But I know that puts a ton of responsibility on me and I feel like I didn't handle it well. It's just... Being with you didn't leave room for much else in my head until it was obvious. I told you I'm not used to putting other people's feelings first."

I don't like where this is going. His eyes are piercing into mine and I feel exposed, completely naked in the cold street.

"Anyway, Ally, what I'm trying to say is that you were right. This isn't just sex. This means something to me too. I want more with you. I know you won't believe me and that this goes against everything I've ever said or done, and I know this isn't what you had in mind when you kissed me yesterday, but I don't know if I can go back to how things were between us. Not now that I know how great things can be."

"Jer-"

"I want to do things right. I don't want to mess things up again."

My heart has reached a dangerous rate now and my brain is trying to catch up. His eyes grow wider and the tremor in his voice is undeniable. He lifts my hands to his chest, holding on tightly. I'm about to tell him to slow down, to talk about this at home. These are big words, big decisions. But then he opens his mouth again.

"You trusted me with the one thing you can never get back. There's a reason for that, right?" He pauses to let out a shaky breath. I feel it rattling in his chest. "Remember when I told you there are things you still don't know? And that I'll never tell you because I you'd hate me?"

I nod my head to show him that I remember.

"I will never hate you," I whisper, a hundred per cent certain and a hundred per cent terrified that he's going to try his best.

His eyes fall to the floor again. Forgetting my own apprehensions. I step closer to him and lift my hand to his cheek but he pulls away, taking it firmly in his again and shaking his head. When he looks up at me again, his eyes are fearful and dark, shining with tears and heartbreak. 

"Ally, the girl I got pregnant was Stephanie."

My heart races and everything around me becomes a swirling blur. I repeat his words in my head, trying to process them.

The girl he got pregnant was Stephanie.

Stephanie was the girl he got pregnant.

Stephanie was pregnant with his baby. Stephanie. Sosa!

My Sosa was pregnant with Jeremy's baby. They were together... like, intimately. Fling was the word he used when he first told me about it. Jeremy and Sosa had a fling. Jeremy, the man in front of me, the man I'm so evidently falling for had a fling with the girl who was my best friend for so long. He got her pregnant, then had her abort the baby. Their baby!