What should I know (catradora)

Chapter 23

Trigger warning: drugs, self-harm, mentions of rape.

(Catra pov)

I sit up from my bed crying. another fucking nightmare, Jesus Christ I was out hard.

my throat is so dry, my head is pounding. I look at the nightstand at 4:03 am, that's no surprise. wait, where the hell am I? I look around again but it calms me down. I'm just in my room. 

I look at my phone, god my head fucking hurts. I have a few notifications, but nothing important.

after I put down my phone I look over at the pill bottles on my nightstand, I go to grab my current one the only one that isn't empty.

"What the hell,"  I spoke to soon. fuck, I didn't even realize. I feel my hands start to shake. 

fuck, okay I just need to text my dealer, ill be fine for a few hours, ill be fine. 

I grab my phone, I text him, he's not going to answer he's probably asleep.

god, I need to feel something. Something has to work. I tear the blanket off my legs. I'm only in my bra and underwear. it's fine. I'm fine. 

I start looking around, I need something, I need to feel something. there has to be something. I can feel my hands shaking, I feel sick.

I run to the bathroom and gag, again and again, but nothing. I stand up, I look at myself in the mirror.

I can see my ribs, the scars on my wrists, my stomach, my legs. my phone is in my hand and I feel it buzz, it distracts me.

(Tyler) 4:10- fine, meet me at 6 behind the diner like usual.

I send the okay back. I put my phone down on the counter. I go to splash my face with cold water and see the fresh scar on my arm, the scar that caused me to go to the hospital, the scar that made me and Adora fight.

Adora, I repeat her name in my head.

no, no she doesn't miss me, she doesn't need me. I'm too messed up for her. She wanted me to leave, leave after I was... I was. I feel my chest tighten.

No, no, no, no I close my eyes as I fall back, I'm back in that hospital room, back at that moment.

why did she have to leave, why did I tell her to leave? this is my fault. I deserved it. 

I can feel his hands on me. I can hear him say my name. hear him saying that.. that I was.. fuck. fuck. fuck "FUCK" I say so loudly hoping it stops my thoughts.

 I'm no better than shadow weaver, I'm no better than my own mom. she was right I'm a slut. I deserved it. I abandoned her, I left, I left Adora like everyone once did with me. I am no better than the people who hurt me. I'm no better than my mother.

I can feel the tears falling down my face while these thoughts go through my head. I open my eyes.

I saw something that would make me feel something, my pocket knife. I open it bring it to my wrist and just draw a line, a line that's deep that bleeds crimson without stopping but I don't care. 

I sit there with my wrist bleeding for who knows how long, I start dozing off and close my eyes.

(A/N) well this turned out darker than hell but I promise it is going somewhere, this is definitely a shorter one so I'm sorry but hey, two updates in two days.