Nobody's Fool Y'all

11

 "Hey Maury, I really feel like the pits. We haven't had a falling out like that since we were kids. How about you and me pack a bag and take a little road trip? We can get some rest and mend fences all at the same time."

"Are you out of your mind? Hadley!" Maury said. "I'm still mad at you! Why would I want to be cramped in a car with somebody who makes my blood boil? What makes you think I could stand to be cooped up with you and steam the whole way while you drive me around aimlessly for miles and miles? I might snap and pull every hair out of your head. Or worse!"

"Oh come on, Maury," Hadley said. "Get over this, will ya? I'd tell you if I could, but I can't. I gave Bill my word. You remember him, don't you? Bill? Bill Whittaker? Your husband. Skip's daddy. My favorite brother-in-law."

Maury said nothing.

"Come on, Sis," Hadley continued. "You know your middle name is 'go.' And it's been a long time since we spent some real quality time together. Come on. What do you say? Please. Please. Please."

"Groveling doesn't become you, sis. I'm really hurt."

"I know that," Hadley said. "I'm trying to make it up to you. This is tough for me, too. Besides, I'm not talking some long, extended journey. Just a short trip to the edge of the county. I know you're upset and hurt, and I am doing my best to fix it. I gave my word to Bill. I know that doesn't sit well with you. But I can't help it. I'm in the middle of a rock and a hard place. But I still want to make it up to you. I am the big Sis, after all. Come on. Let's smoke the peace pipe. What do you say?"

"I dunno," said Maury. "It's complicated. I'm mad at you, and Bill's awfully tied up with this case."

"Exactly," said Hadley. "You won't see much of him. He'll be in and out like a ghost. And I saw this ad in the paper. It gave me the idea. We need to patch things up between us. Sister to sister. Bill's so busy; he won't know you're gone. Come on."

"Maybe. It sounds okay, I guess," Maury said. "Where were you planning on going?"

"How about we head out to that remodeled vintage motor court off the interstate? They're advertising a 'Staycation' package that sounds perfect. It's a getaway deal for a few days of vegetation and regeneration. A vacation near home. We could spend some time together and patch up our differences, have a few laughs, and eat some good food. I don't know about you, but I could use a little R and R."

"I dunno," said Maury.

"I could get Beanie to feed Onus while I'm gone. We'll stock your fridge full of food for Bill. I'll stock mine for Beanie. I'll start cooking right this second. Onus will be looked after and so will Bill. Come on, Sis. Say you'll go. It will be awfully lonesome if I have to make the trip by myself."

"Wait a minute, Hadley," said Maury. "A motor court over off the interstate. You aren't talking about that adultery palace by the county line, are you? Not the VistaView! Tell me it's not the VistaView! That place has had a reputation for being the spot to go when you want to have no-no for decades."

"Don't be a prude," said Hadley.

"Prude, my fat fanny! I remember all the girls in school who went there and got into trouble. And I'm not talking about the kind that means handcuffs and striped jumpsuits. No, sir. I'm talking about the nine months kind of trouble. You remember Trilby Sutterman? And what about Dreamer-Anne Dodd?"

"Whatever happened to those two?"

"I dunno. But I remember stories about that place. They have little garages there to hide your car so that your spying spouse or parents won't find you doing the bedroom rodeo with a cheating louse or the bam-bam in the bandstand with an underage boyfriend. And what about drugs?"

"What are you talking about, Maury?"

"Meth labs!"

"Meth labs at the VistaView!"

"No," said Maury, "Bill's said nothing about drug addicts cooking meth there, but aren't those old motels the perfect spots for that."

"Maury, your imagination is too vivid."

"It is not! I see on the news all the time where explosions happen in those places. Why would you think I would like to go there with my sister of all people?"

Hadley didn't skip a beat.

"Well, Maury," Hadley said, "we've been lucky that no meth has been cooked at out there. They've spent a pile of money renovating the VistaView. They're gambling that the idea of vintage and retro will attract a higher class of clientele. The photo on the brochure looks great. I thought you might like to take a break from the humdrum washing, cleaning, cooking of everyday life and see how the wild side lives! I'm just kidding. We won't be belly-bumping or buttering the biscuits with hunky six-pack construction workers or anybody else, for that matter. But that doesn't mean we still can't have fun. And I really think the VistaView has tamed down quite a lot since its days of whoring glory. Everybody's hormones aged out, you know. It's a place for families and wholesome good times."

There was silence on Maury's end of the call.

"Oh, don't believe everything you hear, Maury. The place can't be that bad. People add a lot to those old stories just to make them titillating. Look, I'm looking at the ad. It says the motor court has been renovated. What do they call it? Vintage luxury, whatever that means. We're talking luxury, Maury. Vintage luxury on my dime! You know you'd like to be surrounded by splendor and comfort!"

"You said vintage, Hadley," Maury said.

"And so, I did," Hadley said. "But that's not a dirty word. If you and I were cars, we'd be vintage, too. Retro is chic. Come on, sis. Say you'll go. I can see us lounging by the pool in chaise lounge chairs, sipping drinks with pieces of fruit and little umbrellas bobbing cheerily inside our frosty glasses. We could get drunker than skunks, and nobody in Hope Rock County would be the wiser. We'll stay on the other side of the county line! Live on the edge!"

"I'd feel guilty leaving Bill alone," Maury stalled.

"Will you listen to me? Bill will be so busy he won't even know you're gone. I said I'd pay for everything! There's a good restaurant there. It's gotten some rave reviews, and I know you like to eat. Don't say you don't."

"I don't know," Maury said. "It all sounds like one big bribe to get me to forgive you for not confiding in me. I am still more than a little mad at you. Are you sure you want to go on a trip with somebody whose feathers are singed and smoking?"

"Oh Maury," Hadley said. "Why would I care if you're a little steamed and a lot irritated? I live with Onus. Remember? I think I stay on that cat's bad side for about twenty-three hours and forty-five minutes of every day. Maybe more. Besides, if Onus can stand me, don't you think you can, too? How about it, huh? For old time's sake. Can't you put this aside? Let's not let it ruin a good time. Come on. What do you say? We survived puberty together, didn't we? That was tough."

"Yes," Maury said. "We did. Those years were no picnic."

"How can a little trip with a ticked-off sister be any more dangerous than under-age hormones and sibling jealousy and rivalry?" Hadley said.

"Yeah, you're right, Hadley," Maury said. "We did have some knock-down, drag-out scream-fests growing up, didn't we? And we managed to forgive and forget after the storm blew over."

"Yes, we did," said Hadley.

"Okay. You decide when and make the reservations. I'm in. Didn't I see in the paper a photo of some kind of grand pool at this place? I wonder where I put my bikini."

"I don't know," said Hadley, "but dig it out of the back corner of the closet. I've got some things to do. I'm glad you said 'yes.' Catch you later."