Nobody's Fool Y'all

20

 "Yes, she does," said Hadley. "But I don't know what I've done to deserve being stuck with that gown I've got to wear in her wedding."

"You're gonna look like a floozy in a red light district, sister."

"Don't I know it!"

"You'd think B.'s tastes would have tamed a little over the years," said Maury.

"Not necessarily," said Hadley. "Look at Lou Edna."

"Well," said Maury, "Lou's got a hankering for pink, I know, but B. is feverish for the whole color palette."

"I don't know how I'm going to keep a straight face up there before the preacher." said Hadley, "I mean, it's a small affair. Just the bride, groom, best man, and me and a few guests. But it's not like I'll have you beside me to elbow me in the side when if I get the snickers. It's bound to happen. Can you imagine the look on the reverend's face when he sees that motley crew dressed like escapees from the Kaleidoscope Asylum?"

"I know," said Maury. "I'm just glad it will be you up there and not me. I snort like a pig when I get tickled."

"Yeah. You do. And if you think my dress is hideous, you should see B.'s final choice. It was delivered the other day. She's changed her mind three times! Just when I think her taste cannot sink any lower, she up and outdoes herself! This last one takes the cake. Shoot, it takes the whole cake factory!"

"What do you mean? It can't be worse than the others you described. Nothing can be worse than those jokes."

"There's always room to fall into the bottomless pit of bad taste, Maury. It's some kind of shiny material, chartreuse, of course, with these swags."

"Swags?"

"That's the only way I can describe them. Really. I've never seen anything quite like it. I think the designer must have tripped on acid or something. It was a bad trip, Maury. A really bad acid trip."

"I hope you're kidding."

"I'm not," said Hadley. "These swags hang down from her bust to her knees."

"Great goose sluice!"

"They make a kind of bubble of swirls and loops about her waist," Hadley said. "B.'s as tiny as a gnat, but with that bubble around her middle, she's going to look like a blimp. She's made a big deal about not wearing white because it's not her first marriage, but I think, in the end, she's had a change of heart."

"What do you mean? The picture I'm getting in my head is hilarious," Maury said.

"Well, under that big fat New Year's Eve ball of swag is some hardcore white lace. About a gazillion yards, I'd say. I looked at the thing, and I really believe if I wore it, I'd walk two steps and fall flat on my face. Well, I take that back. The blimp ball around my waist would prevent any facial injuries. Oh, did I mention that there are white mummy gauze accents on the sleeves and the square neckline? And I'm not talking small, tasteful accents either. You could mop floors with it. And the cherry on the banana split is the chartreuse lace veil that will be prominently featured on her head."

"Oh, Hadley."

"Oh, Hadley is right. And did I tell you there's a white ostrich feather that waggles right in the center of that thing."

Maury started snorting.

"Shut up! Stop it!" Maury said. "How am I ever going to keep a straight face? She's going to look like the lunatic bride who's escaped from the crayon nut house!"

"I don't know? I may have to put a handful of pins in my mouth and chew on them to keep from guffawing."

"You and me both."