Burning Rose

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I told Emma what happened in those 2 months I have been there. But when I can honestly say I have told her the truth, I may not have told her everything. I have probably let out some information that the man I fell in love with turned out to be a psychopath who might have killed me if I stayed any longer. 

She was a bit shocked at first to hear I fell in love with such older man, but after that se said that if he made me just a little bit more happy, it was worth it. 

We didn't chat for long, because I felt more and more tired and nauseous, so she said it is best if I get some sleep. We said our goodbyes and she went home, because her parents got worried. 

Now I wake up in the middle of the night, feeling like I have slept for 2 days straight and there was no chance for me to fall back to sleep. So I got up and went down in the kitchen for a glass of water.

As I walk into the kitchen I remember there is still some ice cream in the fridge. God I love ice cream. So I go and get some. 

I walk out of the kitchen, through little passage to the living room. I make a stop and look around me and think of how much I missed this place.

Our living room is a big place with a big couch in the middle, a big TV on the wall in front of it and shelves on each side of the TV with random souvenirs on each of them. On the right side are big windows with blinds who were open just a little, letting in the street lights, but enough for me to see in the night.

I went to sit on the couch and turned on the TV. I wasn't really interested in watching anything what was on, I just didn't want to feel so alone. 

Again, events from the past were brought up by my mind and all over again I started to worry myself if I did the right thing and if he really was telling the truth by him not wanting to hurt me. Everything made me so emotional that I started crying again. But I didn't want to cry. Why do I always have to be the one who gets hurt? And why do I have to always care too much? But the tears didn't stop falling down my cheeks. 

I tried to focus on what was going on on the television and the only thing I caught was the fighting scene from a action movie I have never seen before. I then remembered I still have ice cream in the kitchen, which I left for it to thaw a little.

I came back on the couch and scooped up a big spoon of ice cream. By the way it is my favorite flavor. 

As the ice cream melts in my mouth I start to taste something unusual. I don't remember tasting this before. So I check the expiration date and see that it should still be good for at leas month and a half. I think it is just that I haven't eaten it in a long time and it just tastes different now. So I take another scoop. Worse.

Now everything got so sour, like the taste of sour milk and I had to go to the bathroom ASAP. When I felt a bit better I started to think. And think. And when I put 2 and 2 together my soul left my body.

˝I might be pregnant...˝ I said to myself under my breath in the bathroom.

In that moment I wanted to fall into the ground and never come back again. I wanted to vanish from the face of the earth and not leave a track. Panic started terrorizing my body when I started to slowly getting up, holding the sink with my one hand ant the toilet with the other.

˝No, no, no...˝ I repeated to myself, voice trembling. I felt my throat aching again, knowing I will again cry my eyes out, but at the same time thinking how stupid I had to be, not to think of that this could happen and how can I tell my parents THIS.

I already have to tell them about the traumatic experience of being raped, that I fell in love with someone their age AND NOW A BABY?! What was I thinking? Am I going to tell Dr. Volmer about it? I should. But will I?

˝Oohhh my goooood˝ I tried to put my mind in place. I don't even know yet for sure. I didn't make the test yet. So I had to calm down first and figure out what am I going to do. 

˝Emma? No, not Emma, she is sleeping now. I can't tell Emma that now, she will be disappointed in me. Test? The test! Yes I have to go buy a test tomorrow and take it tp see if it really is true. My parents are coming back in a few days, how will I tell them? I have to be sure first and then I can make my mind on what to do...˝

I was talking to myself, saying every possible thing that came to my mind out loud. By the time I realized, I have been sitting on the edge of our bathtub, my whole body shaking from adrenaline and me starring in front of me, like there was something laying there. 

After probably about an hour later, the adrenalin in my body wore off and I started to feel very tired, I decided to go back to bed and just make more healthy decisions in the morning. Even tho I have been sitting for a long time, my legs and arms didn't feel the right way, like they didn't want to obey me. 

I somehow made my way up the stairs and lay in the bed, but as much as I was tired and wanted to go to sleep to ease myself, I couldn't. Every time I closed my eyes things started flashing in my mind. Words, pictures, events... They didn't leave me alone, no matter how much I tried to push them away. 

So I turned on my back. And stare at the ceiling. Because that was all I could do for now.