A Loser's Guide to be Noticeable

5: Do Not Forget Your Past

It happened in the summer, a week before we were going to start eighth grade -- our last year as middle graders.

"I hope this year will be over soon. I can't wait to start our high school," Jaeden said while he tossed the baseball on the ceiling and caught it. We were both lying on his bed.

"Me too," I said.

He grinned. "And next year, at Middlewood High, we will be the kings, no one would dare to trample us."

I chuckled because of his enthusiasm. "Yeah. And then we will rule Middlewood High. But because we are students, the teachers, and the principal will try to stop us, but we're going to face them. There will be fist-fighting and debates. The news will recognize us as… as punk-ass students. Then they will bow down to us. And then we will start ruling this town—" I stopped when Jaeden laugh. "What's so funny?" I giggled, joining him.

"Nothing," Jaeden said when he stopped laughing. "You're adorable."

My ears heated like a frying pan ready to cook some eggs. Jaeden's eyes were on me. But I tried not to glance in his direction while clenching my trembling hands. When I didn't respond, he resumed playing catch-and-throw.

Staring at the ball, I mustered some courage. Jaeden seemed in a good mood. It was my opportunity to say it. Ever since I got to the conclusion and accepted that I was attracted to boys, I wanted to let him know about it.

"Jaeden, there's something I need—" I hesitated for a minute. He stopped throwing the ball. I closed my eyes for a while, trying to convince myself to tell him.

"What is it?"

I didn't look at him when I opened my eyes. "I know this will be weird but… I'm gay."

The silence stretched. The only thing I could hear was my heart beating fast and my shallow breathing, as the air around Jaeden's room felt heavy. I looked at him, lying beside me, he was staring at the ceiling. His face was unreadable.

"Don't you worry, okay? I'm just the same me that you already know… we will still conquer the shit out of the high school, we will be the kings—" I laughed nervously when he was still silent.

Please look at me, Jaeden, I wanted to say, yet I kept my mouth shut.

But when he did, I wasn't sure if I should be grateful or not. "You're kidding, right?" Confusion was palpable on his face. "You're not a… how come you're...?"

Because I realized that I noticed boys more than girls. But I didn't answer because it seemed ridiculous.

Then he stood and walked out of his room. And minutes after, I heard some muffled voices coming from Jaeden and his mother before a door slammed.

I closed my eyes. And I knew that he walked out of his house because he couldn't say straight in my face that he wanted me out of his room.

For a couple of days, I tried to reach out to him. But Jaeden was starting to slip away. I went to their house but it was either Jaeden's not around or he was asleep in his room. I called or texted him yet he doesn't respond. I waited outside of their house -- even inside, but he always had a reason to shoo me away. The school was starting, and we were now in eighth grade, it should be our time to plan on how to beat the shit out of high school, but it seemed not going to happen anymore.

***

The school looked strange. It was the same school I went to for three years, the same classrooms, the same hallways, the same faces, and yet it wasn't.

I never had a friend other than Jaeden. Yes, I talked to my classmates, but that was it. We were not friends.

When lunch break came, I saw Jaeden with Gerald and Roger, talking and laughing. I stopped, not knowing what to do. Gerald and Roger was our enemy, why would he sit and eat with them?