A Loser's Guide to be Noticeable

15: Learn to Forgive

When I woke up, it was late. Dad already went to work and Mom was sitting on the living room's floor facing her laptop. Beside her was a huge box, already opened. Filipino products like Dried Mangos, Banana Chips, Dried fish, and more are scattered in a pile around her.

She glanced in my direction. "Good morning."

"Morning," I mumbled.

I was about to go to the kitchen when she stopped me. "Gina called me."

Whatever grogginess I still felt was gone. I knew that I got caught. Stiff like a board, I waited for Mom's anger and words of disappointment to me.

When she saw my face, Mom sighed before shaking her head. "Pepe, you know I'm not angry."

"But you always did get angry when Jaeden is involved." Especially the first time Mom knew about the bullying.

I could see in her eyes that she knew what I was thinking. "Come here," she said.

I did. Mom enveloped me using her arm after I sat on the floor beside her. "I'm sorry that you saw me in your school so angry that time. You know I'm not angry at you, right?"

I nodded as I snuggled closer to her chest, letting myself wash at her familiar smell. Safe. Happiness. That was what Mom smelled like.

"I guess, sometimes, I couldn't help the 'Mother Bear' inside me."

I chuckled. "Even the principal at my middle high couldn't do anything about it."

"Serves him right."

"Yeah."

"I know there are bad moments in your life that I couldn't stop or shield you away. Those nasty people who would hurt anything they don't understand. It makes my heart break." Her chest rose then down. "Did I tell you why your name is Felix?"

"Because I was a joy in your life?"

"Yeah. But I didn't tell you that I got miscarriage twice before I got you. The first miscarriage, I was devastated, but your dad helped me get through it and we tried again. The second one, it put me in a depression." Mom's eyes blinked, staring at the ceiling. "I remember how I cried every night and didn't want to wake to get up, that there's heaviness weighing me down. I know it's not right but I couldn't help it. And then your dad helped me to go to therapy. I got a little better. Then you came and I was so scared that it'll be another miscarriage. But you hold on, Pepe. You hold on. And I just know that you'll be strong and brave." She rubbed my arm and smiled at me. I wanted to say that I didn't feel strong and brave. "When I held you in my arms for the first time. The heaviness I felt was gone. That's how I know what happiness really feels like."

We were both crying now as I wiped the tears away from my cheeks. "I love you, Mom."

She mussed my hair and then kissed my forehead before she released me. "Love you too, Pepe." Then Mom laughed. "This is too emotional for a morning."

I laughed. "Yeah."

"But what I'm saying is I'll let you decide about Gina's invitation. They wanted to have dinner with us at their home as an apology -- though I might add that it's a little too late. She said that you and Jaeden are starting to hang out again. That Jaeden wanted this dinner to personally apologize." Mom shook her head. "Your dad doesn't approve but he'll support whatever your decision."

"How about you?"

"Well, all I'm saying is that carrying these grudges is so exhausting. And looking at you, forgiving someone who wronged you, makes me want to give a chance."

"So, that's a yes?"

She shrugged while smiling. "It means you know the answer better than I do."

I squinted my eyes. "I think you're trying to make me want to say yes."