The Rogue Assassin | Kate Bishop x Reader

chapter 21 - therapy

Y/N's POV-

I wake up at least 4 times throughout the night. Nightmares. My decision is made, these nightmares -- or memories, really -- are slowly eating away at me, mentally. I cannot keep doing this. I am stuck in an endless loop of pain. Bucky went to Wakanda, got rid of his coding, yet he still has nightmares. I don't know that I believe in therapy, but it may be worth a chance.

I roll over toward my clock. 08:43am. I groan, pushing myself up and out of bed. I take a quick shower and get ready for the day. I decide to wear a pair of black jeans and a t-shirt. I make my way down to the kitchen, finding Bucky sitting at the counter. He's writing in a tiny notebook. It looks funny, the tiny notebook held by such a large man. "What's with the tiny notebook?" I ask.

Bucky perks up at my voice, smiling, "You came."

I can't help but smiling in return, "I decided to give it a chance."

Bucky nods, satisfied. He closes the notebook, "This. Was Steve's, he claimed it helped him become 'accustomed to the times. I figured I'd give it a try, jot things down that I want to learn about and uh... ways to help make up for... all of the pain I caused..." Silence. I don't know what to say. Bucky has been through so much. He had a family and friends in the 1940's but now, it's just Steve. As much as Steve may try, he cannot understand what Bucky went through will Steve was frozen. Somehow, Bucky keeps trying, keeps fighting. I don't know how he does it. I have hope that things will get better, but another part of me feels like things will be this way forever. Bucky clears his throat, "Let's get going, we don't want to be late." He gets up and starts walking to the car. I follow, "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say. But I hope you know that you are not the Winter Solider. You would never make those decisions. Although it may have been you physically, you are more than your physical form. And you are good."

Bucky stops and turns to me for a second, slightly smiling, "Thank you, Y/n."

"No problem, Buck." I reply.

On the car ride to the doctor's Bucky plays 40's music. I have to admit it's nice. I can tell that it relaxes Bucky as well. It's like his comfort zone. While Bucky may be at peace, I am fighting my anxiety building in my chest. I try to focus on the music and the scenery as we drive, but my heart is pounding out of my chest. I don't know what to expect, I have never done anything like this. The building actually really nice looking. It's clean and modern. However, the sterile-ness of doctor's office's sometimes reminds me of the hydra testing rooms. Ugh. When we enter the building, I am pleasantly surprised. The inside is very homely.

"Don't stress at all. If you want to leave at any time, just let me know. Legally I have to be here, but you can go sit in the car or take a walk." I try to smile at Bucky's encouraging words but the pounding in my chest has only increased. My leg has even started shaking. I take a deep breath, "T-thanks..."

The doctor knocks at the door before entering, "Hello, you must be Y/n. I'm doctor Raynor, Bucky's therapist. I am so happy you could join us today." She is tall and thin, looks to be in here 50's with dark brown hair.

I nod nervously, "Thanks for having me."

Dr. Raynor takes a seat, "It's normal to be nervous. Bucky maybe said 3 sentences to me during our first session."

Bucky scoffs, "Take it easy Doc. You're making me look bad."

"Aww don't worry I already knew you prefered creepily staring at someone over talking." I joke, lightly bumping Bucky's arm. He rolls his eyes.

Dr. Raynor clears her throat, "Okay, Y/n, tell me what's been going on, why are you here?"

I sigh, trying to calm myself. I take a deep breath in before starting, "As Bucky may have told you, I was raised in the red room. I was then sold to the Winter Soldier program at Hydra and worked with him for a little over a year. Just recently, Bucky came back with the Avengers to free me and the other test subjects. Tony has been so kind to offer me a place to stay and I have made a lot of friends. But, I still have nightmares almost every night, sometimes multiple in a night. I wake up sweating and struggle to go back to bed. I don't think they are ever going to go away."

Dr. Raynor nods, "Nightmares are a very common symptom of PTSD. What you are going through it completely normal. It sounds like you have a great support system. With nightmares, our goal should be to have them less often. You said that you wake up sweating and struggle to go back to sleep, what other symptoms do you have when you wake up from a nightmare? racing pulse? heavy breathing? dizzy? headache?"

I think for a second, "Uhm, I guess racing pulse and heavy breathing as well."

"Do you have trouble calming yourself down?" Dr. Raynor asks.

"Yeah a little bit. I normally end up taking a walk, going for a run, or training." I shrug.

Dr. Raynor frowns, "Have you ever tried using your 5 senses? Name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste."

"No, but I'm open to it. I'm open to anything at this point."

-----

The rest of therapy is actually pretty good. Dr. Rayor gives me lots of strategies to help with my nightmares and even offers to set up weekly appointments wiht her or someone else at the office. I leave about part-way through the session so that Bucky can have one-on-one time with his doctor. I think I might actually go back. Even if it doesn't change much, at least I am trying.

A/n: Hoping to get a few more chapters out before I go on vacation!