The God in the Machine

The Weight of a Heart (one-shot)

He laughed as he lay dying on the sidewalk. Raphael was a man who saw pain as comedy. At some point, he grew tired of tears and rage after hardship and took to laughing. Not even he knew if he actually found it funny, but the worse things got, the more ridiculous it all seemed. So when he was stabbed by a junkie for the five dollars and a ripped ten he had in his wallet at the tender age of 32, how could he see it as anything but a joke.

As he bled out staring at the city sky, washed out by the pollution and artificial light, he reflected on how pointless it all ended up being. Turns out I wasn't the main character in this life. If I was, the end would have been much more climactic. He mused. And if I'm right, this is it. It's really over, and it all amounted to such a stupid punchline. As his blood pressure dropped and his vision became fuzzy, he felt a strange sense of calm. I wish I could have seen the stars tonight. Raphael died that day, alone under a starless sky.

Raphael opened his eyes to an unfamiliar room. He found himself unable to recall any of the events that led him to the foreign place he stood. He began to ponder his situation. What is happening? I can't even remember the last thing I remember. I know my name is Raphael and my life's history to a point, but it's all muddy. My head hurts just trying to make out any information.

The well-lit room was so nondescript that it was uncanny. The walls were a perfect glossy gray and the floor was a spotless white that felt cool and slick under his bare feet. The smell was equally strange, it was reminiscent of the antiseptic smell of a hospital but was subtly unfamiliar. The large room was bare save for a table in the center and a man with his feet chained to the floor.

The man in chains was kicking violently, a gag over his mouth stifling his screams. What's with this guy? I don't recognize him, is he why I'm here? After overcoming his disorientation, Raphael cautiously walked toward the man in chains to get a better idea of his situation. As he drew nearer, a booming voice with an indiscernible accent and an unrecognizable gender filled the room, "Raphael, to leave this room, one of you must die. You will find a weapon on the table. You have five minutes to decide. Failure to make a decision will result in both of your deaths. The one who survives will walk away free. Time begins now."

Raphael began to laugh as soon as the voice finished, while the chained man struggled harder. This is absolutely absurd! Who would have imagined I'd be faced with some undergrad philosophy-type bullshit! Well, I might as well have a talk with my chained friend before I end this farce. Raphael walked up to the table and glanced at the loaded handgun that sat atop it. "Hold still and let me take that gag off, it's time to talk." Raphael casually said to him as he walked towards the man bound to the floor.

The man in chains stopped his frantic struggle against his bonds and looked desperately at Raphael while trembling violently. Raphael carefully removed the gag over the man's mouth before retreating out of arm's reach, knowing that he was liable to be attacked if the chained man saw the opportunity. The instant he removed the gag, the chained man began the desperate plea for his life.

"Help me! Please! I'm begging you, you can't kill me! I'll do anything! I can't die here, please! Oh my god, please don't kill me. I don't wanna die!" The chained man continued to beg for mercy, becoming less coherent and eventually breaking down into loud, shaky sobs.

"Look, I don't want to kill you either, but if I'm supposed to overcome my self-preservation instinct, you're going to have to trick me into believing that your life is worth sacrificing mine over," Raphael replied. He approached the man's breakdown with the same kind of detached cynicism that he defaulted to in all intense or tragic situations. The situation was becoming annoying.

The man's tears and snot covered his face. He began to resemble a child, with his weak demeanor and the tantrum he was throwing.

"I have a family! A wife, kids, a life, and people who need me! I can't die here! I'm begging you! I can't die here." The man in chains went with the tactic of using his family to prove the value of his life. Unluckily for him, Raphael was not so sympathetic as to believe the man having a family was a particularly good reason to die for him. Why do these words sound so cliché? Do people really talk like this with a gun to their heads? Raphael wondered.

"I don't care about your family, I don't know your family and never will. I asked why YOU were worth saving. Give me a good pitch. Now! You're running out of time." Raphael bluntly responded. The clock was down to 3 minutes and Raphael was losing his patience with the man's hysteria.

"I am a good person! I swear! I help people-"

"Shut up." Raphael bluntly cut him off. "I hate when people say that. Those words mean nothing. They're empty and a huge waste of the, what? less than three minutes you have before time's up."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please don't kill me! I don't want to die! I don't-" The man in chains broke down into more tears.

"I'm not going to kill myself for you." Raphael declared, cutting off the man's outburst. The man looked up at him, desperation and fear plastered over his face. His eyes were wide and filled with madness. The man in chains lunged at Raphael, but Raphael, expecting this, stepped outside his range. The man hit the end of the chain and collapsed to the floor. Classic. This guy is pathetic. Curse my utilitarian sense of justice.

"You know what, fine," Raphael said, looking down at the man on the floor with contempt. "You're not worth saving, but you're not worth killing either. Now... what to do?." The man in chains lay on the floor, pounding his fist in resignation.

"You're right. Just kill me. I'm sorry for being so pathetic." The man in chains uttered what he believed to be his final words as he lay defeated on the ground. "I can't ask you to die for me. I've known you for a couple of minutes. How could I go back to my family after my selfishness?" The chained man, doomed as he was, hit his head on the floor. "Fuck... this is so stupid... I'm fucking scared man. Maybe this is for the best."

Raphael held the gun limply in his hand. His guise of apathy began to slip away to reveal the inner turmoil that threatened to tear his decision-making to shreds. Shit. I can't kill him. As soon as I kill him, my life is worthless. The world is better off without a man who can kill another in cold blood. I should have been in the chains. Raphael took a deep breath and lowered himself to the man's level.

"Hey", Raphael addressed the man in chains, "what's your name?".

"It's *****", the man replied. That's it I guess, Raphael thought, he's a man, a real man with a life, a past, people who cared for him. I don't have shit to live for. There are hardly any people to miss me. Whatever. Let's get this over with.

"Here's what I'll do," Raphael said as he walked towards the table. He picked up the gun and made his way to the silent man in chains. "You decide". The man lifted his head in confusion. He handed the gun to the bewildered man. "You're up," Raphael said with a sigh and a small chuckle. The man was frozen in shock at Raphael's choice. The man gripped the gun with white knuckles. He had finally worked up his resolve to make a decision.

"Am I doing the right thing?" the man softly asked.

"Take the shot" Raphael replied with a sigh and an empty smile of resignation.

As the clock counted down the final ten seconds, the man closed his eyes and raised the gun straight between Raphael's eyes. The cold metal of the pistol took away Raphael's fear. Now that his death was certain, he accepted whatever was to come, free from the burden of living.

"Thank you." The man bid farewell to Raphael with tears streaking down his face. A shot rang out and Raphael crumpled to the floor.

Raphael found himself floating in a void. The view was beyond comprehension. The space was without color or light, he could see his body but he was in a limbo of non-existence. In an instant, all of his memories came flooding back. He saw himself being torn apart and broken after the tanker collided with him. He saw his final moments once again. He felt the cold of the blood leaving his body.

Looks like I died. Seems that a couple of billion people and I got the afterlife wrong. So what the hell is this, some kind of purgatory? Raphael thought while attempting to acclimate to the true nothingness he was trapped in. What now? A message flashed in front of him, "End of trial one. Result inconclusive. Reconfiguring scenario and commencing memory wipe. Initiating trial two." Huh?. Suddenly, he found himself standing in an unfamiliar room.

In Raphael's disoriented view, there was a menacing crowbar on a table a few feet in front of him. Beyond the table, there were 6 babies, 50 puppies, and 20 senior citizens.

What is happening?