The God in the Machine

The Three Lives of Subject A (Part 2) - To Suffer In Silence

Trial 1

The goal of Trial 1 was to determine how Subject A's purpose in life formed when confronted with constant adversity. I needed to know what meaning he would attribute to living as he suffered. Meaning, for the first trial, he was in for a tragedy. The first step was to remove the stability of the nuclear family. As I willed it, Subject A's mother faced complications in labor and died while giving birth. His father was devastated, but he chose to raise the child alone. His wife's death weighed on him, and Subject A's father could never grow to love his child as he associated the death of his wife with the birth of his child. Subject A was rarely introduced to playmates during infancy and was largely neglected.

This led to difficulties forming connections with peers and a general mistrust of adults. I considered the option of leaving Subject A with his father for the rest of his childhood, potentially creating an abusive household. Instead, I had his father die in a car crash when Subject A was four years old, watching from the backseat. Subject A was left without severe physical injury but substantial mental trauma. Subject A moved to foster care with no relatives willing or able to take him in.

I withheld giving Subject A any physical disabilities at birth. While it was a viable option, as it would likely draw negative attention to him in the foster system, I posited that by not giving Subject A a specific deformity he would blame for any negative treatment, and thus might find fault with his character. Making the root of his problems internal would make them difficult to overcome with outside encouragement or reinforcement. In the foster care system, he continued to be neglected. On the outside, he appeared numb to any difficulties. He presented as though he was no longer capable of feeling but, in truth, found himself torn between profound grief and loneliness and a fear of connection.

Supposing the experience of an abusive household could be valuable, I arranged for him to stay with a foster family from age six to ten years old that would meet that objective. Subject A stayed with a forty-year-old man and his thirty-two-year-old wife. They had no intention for a child beyond a beer and cigarette transporter, and the government stipend of course. Their mental abuse furthered his withdrawn nature and reinforced his idea that he was the problem.

Their physical abuse was less frequent but left him with constant tension because of its unpredictable nature. Because of the string of misfortunes that Subject A endured during the most formative years of his life, he began to develop the view that living naturally entailed suffering. His treatment at the hands of his foster family only fed into his self-hatred. Instead of feeling rage at others, Subject A directed all negativity inward. At age 10, I intervened with child protective services, who removed him from the home.

I next selected a long-term household made up of a childless older couple. The couple was open to his arrival and planned on accepting him into their family, but Subject A's nature made assimilation difficult. Regardless of his cold and emotionless behavior, the couple supported and encouraged him. The environment I chose for this portion of Subject A's life was an attempt to have him feel love and care before drastically changing the circumstances to take it away. Their attempts to get through to him would be unsuccessful for years but would start to take effect toward the end of his stay.

Subject A displayed some academic talent, which I allowed to mature in this trial. He performed passably at school without ever taking the time to study. At 13, Subject A began to be harassed with more frequency and intensity at school. To further this treatment, I engineered misunderstandings leading to conflict with his peers. Subject A took the abuse without resistance as another testament to his conditioning. Subject A made himself a target with his hollow appearance and demeanor and the happenstance I orchestrated. His behavior suggests that he was long past his breaking point but has no inclination toward acting out violently.