Anthem, Silent

Ivy

“Turn left over there,” I directed Schalk as I sat in the passenger seat of his Bentley Bentayga, feeling my stomach do somersaults as I watched the familiar neighbourhood that I’d grown up in. There was nothing like it, the kids paying in the street, the potholes that local governments promised to fix up but never did, the grannies standing at the gate with their hands on their hips, scolding the children to be careful of incoming cars, the groups of men loitering around their cars, boots open, cheap beers in hand, music blasting. Home. 

“The beige house,” I explained, unable to stay still in my seat as I reached for the seatbelt, clicking it out of place as I saw the wide open gate of my family home. “What the…” I trailed off at the sight of all of my family members at the gate, all the elderly women singing and ululating, my cousins dancing and kuku sweeping the street with a straw broom. I saw my father and my uncles, all singing as well, my father’s side of the family was all over the place, singing the loudest, and all dressed in traditional Zulu clothing. 

I looked to Schalk but he didn’t look at me, he pulled the car into the midst of all of the chaos. Immediately, my family surrounded the car, continuing their singing and ululating. I watched as kuku danced the hardest from them all, tears in her eyes, as she stood by my door waiting for me to open it. I hated having all the attention on me and having so many eyes on me rendered me motionless as I sat puzzled in my seat. It was obvious that my family knew that there was a wedding. 

At some point, I don’t know when, I finally opened the door, surrounded completely by all of my family as they sang and danced for me, “ay ay ay! Setloholo sa ka!” (my grandchild) my grandmother praised, wrapping her arms around me and crying. “You’ve grown so much, my child. Today, you’ve made me the proudest grandmother in the world.” She immediately went on to preach, facing everybody. 

At this point the entire community had gathered and she began to shout in Sotho at the top of her voice, “I raised this child! I woke up early in the mornings, before the sun was even up, going to clinics with her, standing in long queues with my swollen feet and bad back! She took care of me, she was my baby, my child, and she loved me– still loves me too much! She did as she was supposed to do, she went to school and stayed away from boys! Her peers were falling pregnant left, right and centre, but not her, she held on to her education and finished school and she made me even happier when she went to university! And even then she didn’t party, she stayed away from boys and studied and studied until she got a degree! For the first time in my life, I saw what a graduation was since I’d never seen such! There were white people everywhere,” the crowd laughed at her words, some hooting and clapping as I stood beside her, her arms wrapped tightly around me. 

“Today…today…” she began to sob, “She makes me even more proud! My grandchild is getting married, my people, my grandchild is getting married!” everyone began to ululate some more, people becoming overly joyous as I stood there unable to do anything other than be bashful under all of the attention. I’d been in this position before, not the position of getting married, but being one of the heads in the crowd. I remember when one of my other cousins were getting married, or when my aunt was getting married; the vibe and atmosphere in the air when you knew there was a wedding…there was nothing like it. I’d sing and dance like they all were right now. I’d ululate as loud as I could and do the absolute most, feeding off the energy of the people. 

I watched as people did that for me. 

“Come this side, Zama,” kuku eagerly pulled my hand through her house that had been renovated with brand new furniture I was sure had cost a lot. The placed looked amazing, the walls of the outside of the home were glazed in gamazine, the once dusty yard was now covered in black paving, the once beige home was now a beautiful modern looking dark green house with aluminium windows, and an electric gate. Kuku pulled me into her bedroom and closed the door, setting me down on her new King sized bed. She’d owned a queen size bed before, one she’d bought 13 years ago. “soft, neh?” she said with a grin as I sat on the bed, feeling it, in awe of how things seemed to have changed in the three weeks that I’d been gone. 

She sat down next to me, “oh, Zama,” she addressed me, sounding so proud, “this man that you’re marrying, what a great choice! I’m so proud of you, my baby. See, all that he’s done for me. He even bought me a car, and now I have medical aid. Just yesterday an ambulance with a white man and a black man came to check on me, they were busy touching me and telling me they’re checking what-what,” she explained with glee and excitement. “I felt so important.” I felt my heart squeeze at how happy she was. 

I pressed a smile to my face, nodding my head, feeling the lump in my throat so I started to look around the room, “when did he do this?” I asked her, gesturing to the renovations. It’d been so long since I’d spoken in Sotho, my voice sounded foreign even to my own ears. Speaking English every day with Schalk had quickly become a norm. 

You could still hear the excited crowd outside, especially with the truckload of groceries that Schalk had trailing behind us. If there was a way to impress an African black family, it was through food and money, and with the groceries that people were still unloading, there’d be no way that I could tell kuku that I wanted nothing to do with the millionaire that was currently being guarded by my father and his brothers like their lives depended on it. 

“The second day you started working,” she revealed and my neck snapped in her direction, my eyes wide. 

“Eng?!” (What?!) I snapped in shock at her answer and she looked at me, taken aback. 

She then nodded, “yeah…after your first day. The next day, I think it was a Thursday, I’m not too sure but, he came with some builders, they were drawing up plans and whatnot. He told me that you and him were going to get married, and all of that. What a good man you’ve got, you know, the neighbours are so jealous,” she said with a grin as I sat there and then curled my hands into fists. 

Oh my God, since my first day at work…this man has always had some kind of sick twisted plans for me. How the hell am I going to tell kuku that I want nothing to do with him? 

I watched as kuku spoke excitedly about how everyone would talk about this and how she was a person among other people now, and that she was the talk of the church and everyone was so jealous, especially her rival, a lady from church named Doris who thought that she pissed lemonade- according to kuku of course. I watched numbly as she continued, speaking about how she’d gone to a tailor already and her dress was almost ready. I watched as she revealed that the wedding was going to be on the 12th of April, which was three weeks away. Even then, I didn’t respond. It seemed there was a lot in my life going on that I didn’t even know about. 

I didn’t know how I was going to reveal to her that I was pregnant since I found out last night. I didn’t know how I was going to tell her that the man that everyone seemed to be looking at as a hero was instead the devil in disguise. How couldn’t they see the horns coming out of his head? Or was my imagination that wild? 

It was only then that tears began to escape me and I couldn’t help it as I buried my face in my hands and cried. Kuku rushed to me, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me close to her as she kept muttering, ‘don’t cry, my child’ ‘don’t cry’. It only made me cry harder because I realised how alone I was at the moment. No one would believe me even if I told them, maybe if I showed them my ear they’d believe me, but even then, what’ll happen? Schalk was a powerful man, him and his family. The du Toit’s had money, and I saw that now. His cousin was Heinrich du Toit, a man I didn’t even know existed until a few nights ago at a braai that Schalk and I were hosting at his penthouse. Heinrich was the most sought out lawyer in the country and defended the most powerful of men in cases you’d never even heard of. His family had ties in the army, ties with the police, ties with the mob, you name it all; they had it. 

I was just a girl, and he was a man.