Anthem, Silent

Ivy

I stood in the expansive third kitchen in the home, the kitchen that overlooked the Olympic pool and the horses in the distance, the statues of horses surrounding the yard and the beauty of the home that Schalk had bought for us. It was breath-taking, the kind of home that I’d had saved on my pinterest board, the kind of home I never thought I’d own, yet here I was. 

I looked at the sandwich that I’d made for him, the fruit salad beside it, the yoghurt beside that for him to mix with the fruit salad just the way that he liked. His pack of Marlboro cigarettes on the corner of the plate and the cup of lemonade that I’d freshly squeezed and made, because I knew that he only drank lemonade in the morning. He wasn’t a coffee or tea kind of man, he liked lemonade the ‘zing’ of it as he liked to say. He liked it to be sour, not too much sugar, just the way that he liked. 

I rushed to wipe off the poison that had dropped onto the counter, using a dishcloth that I then tossed into the sink and opened the faucet on, rinsing it thoroughly. I closed the tap, standing there, trying to catch my breath. I gripped onto the edges of the farmhouse sink, my grip so tight, I feared it would break in my hold. I fought the sobs that wanted to escape, tried to grip my chest to soothe the racing of my heart, and the way that my knees wobbled under me. “Modimo…” (God) I called out to God, shutting my eyes as I prayed for Him to forgive me for what I was about to do. I wasn’t a murderer, had never thought that someday I’d have put poison in anyone’s food in order to kill them. “Ke kopa o mphe matla,” (Please give me strength) I begged, my voice coming out wobbly. 

I can’t believe I just asked God to give me the strength to kill someone. 

I took in several breaths, I have to do this. It’s either him or me, and I can’t live life like this. I can’t continue on this way, so with that final thought, I straightened up, having delayed enough. I turned around and gripped the tray with both hands, making my way through the house, towards the bedroom. I didn’t dare look down at the food that I carried, instead I looked far ahead, at where I was headed. I fought the tears that wanted to escape, fought the shaking hands, but it was no use. I wasn’t a killer, and what I was about to do, I’d never thought I’d be able to ever do it in my life. I was a good person, I swear…but this couldn’t be my life, not anymore. 

I reached the bedroom door and then stood there for a second, taking in deep breaths and then, I let a smile appear on my face, letting it be bright and loud. I pushed the semi-ajar door and entered the room. I was met with the sight of the balloons that I’d been blowing up since an hour ago, before I started making breakfast. The room was covered in balloons, trying so hard to make his…final moments as special as possible. It was his birthday after all. “Happy Birthday Schalk!” I yelled at the top of my voice, causing the unmoving body in the bed to slowly lift his head from his pillow and look at me. 

His dark blue eyes that were still sleepy looked around the room. He chuckled when he saw the balloons and me making my way towards him, “how did you get up before me and not wake me up?” 

I walked around the bed towards him, before watching him as he sat up, “it was hard. I had to move an inch at a time, it took me fifteen minutes to get out of the bed and another fifteen to tiptoe out of the room.” Schalk didn’t let me out of his sight, and when I woke up, he usually did as well. It was a miracle how I had managed to sneak off to blow up all of these balloons and make him breakfast. “Here, I made you a sandwich, it’s got lettuce, like you like, a little bit of butter, again, like you like, some cheese, polony,” I explained the multiple layered sandwich where I’d repeated the form twice to give it the volume that he liked. 

I climbed onto his lap, placing the tray between the two of us, “happy 30th Birthday, Schalk,” I said with a smile. He was about to respond but he looked beside him, where he’d rested his head and there was a present that I’d placed in case he woke up before I got back into the room. “That’s your birthday present.” I explained to him watching as he reached for it and began to open it. I felt shy, “I mean, I didn’t want to buy you anything, since you can get yourself anything you want.” I explained the gift, watching as the gift wrap got less and less until he looked at the gift.