Anthem, Silent

Ivy

As I sat in the gynaecologist’s office, every word that the doctor spoke as she and Schalk conversed had become like gibberish to me as I sat there, next to Schalk, physically, but mentally being miles away. I stared blankly at the corner of the brown desk that Dr Ahmed was sitting behind, the smell of a clinical room gnawing at my senses. I always hated going to the doctor, or going to the clinic. There was a smell that came with these places that I found extremely nauseating. It made me think of death for some reason. I hated those weird chairs you’d find in the doctor’s office, except Dr Ahmed’s chairs were fancier, more expensive, nothing like the generic office furniture you find. But those posters on the wall of wombs, cervices, pregnant women, and all things gynaecologist, glared right at me. 

“…oit,” I felt a gentle nudge from Schalk beside me and my eyes quickly shot from the table to Dr Ahmed who seemed like she’d been calling me for some time. I blinked, “Mrs du Toit, are you alright?” she asked me, her brown eyes looking into mine, her headscarf covering her hair, and she was dressed in what I knew was called an ‘abaya’ from the Muslim friends that I’d made on campus. Her white lab coat was thrown over the beautiful abaya, a black scarf covering her hair, a pair of rectangular glasses were on her face, and she looked like she was probably around her late 30’s or early 40’s. 

I cleared my throat and nodded my head, suddenly pulling down the length of the skirt that I was wearing. I was dressed in a yellow wrap skirt with a white halter neck shirt. I felt self-conscious in front of the woman, feeling as though I was revealing too much skin and suddenly feeling ashamed. My arms were exposed, thigh out and legs showing, I wish Schalk had told me to cover up a bit. 

Her assistant had already asked me to pee in a cup, and I’d done several tests, “well,” she smiled at me, “I was asking you if you’ve been experiencing any symptoms?” she asked me and I could see Schalk in my peripheral vision. 

I began to fiddle with the skirt, “well, erm, you know…not…” I paused, “not really…” I said in a whispered scoff. “I mean, you know, I vomited because of the smell of eggs these past couple of days, but really, I’ve been vomiting because of the smell for some time,” I lied. The smell of eggs has never made me sick to my stomach, even thinking about eggs now, made me feel queasy. “I think it’s just a bug I’ve come up with because of all of the foods that I was eating. I was travelling a lot, so I had a lot of food I’m just not used to. Raw food,” I added, and she nodded her head, moving the pen across paper. 

“So, you have been feeling sick? Vomiting, I mean,” she further explained and I nodded my head hesitantly, watching as she continued to write down whatever it was. “And sometimes, do you find yourself waking up…not feeling your best, just plainly under the weather?” she asked me, and I knew she meant morning sickness but didn’t want to deliberately say it out loud, because I guess she saw how I was deflecting and getting defensive. I almost sighed, and felt my shoulders fall, nodding my head in the most tiniest of nods, but I guess she saw it because I heard her resume writing it down. 

“Have you been experiencing anything else?” she asked me, and I kept quiet, not wanting to say anything. After a few minutes of silence, Dr Ahmed spoke up again, “Ivy…I know that this might be difficult for you. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, there are many women who experience various emotions when it comes to pregnancy. Pregnancy is a different experience with each woman, and with some it’s more of a struggle than it would be for others. I’m here to tell you that you’re in good hands. I’m here to make it easier for you, by making sure that you and the baby are healthy.” She paused, setting the pen down and I looked up from the corner of the desk, trying to keep the tears out of my eyes as she made an expression like seeing me cry was making her sad. She stood from her place and walked around the desk, and wrapped her arms around me in a comforting hug.