Anthem, Silent

Zama

“Hey,” came the words of a tired woman as I sat at the kitchen table, looking into the clear glass of water and the two tablets that I’d set in my palm. I didn’t look up at the sound of the voice, my eyes more attracted to the old and worn table cloth covering the small round plastic table of the apartment in Botswana that Reeva had taken me to. 

My voice came out as if spoken so far away, I wouldn’t be found. “Hi.” I responded with the same tiredness as hers did. I heard the sound of her slippers dragging along the floor, walking towards me. She pulled out the chair beside mine instead of the one across from me. She was silent for what felt like an eternity before I felt her place a hand over mine. “Does this make me a bad person?” I asked her, my voice still distant but there was a pain to my tone that I could imagine her wince at. 

She brushed her thumb against the skin of my arm, soothing the goosebumps. “Not at all, Ivy–”

“Zama.” I corrected, wanting to not hear my name from someone’s lips ever again. 

She quickly corrected herself, “–Zama. It doesn’t make you a bad person, not a little bit, not at all. I need you to believe that.” She leaned in closer, pulling her chair closer to me, her words going in one ear and out the other. I couldn’t help the way that I was feeling. “Abortion doesn’t make you a bad person and it doesn’t make you a bad woman, Zama. This baby comes from a place of darkness, and this baby’s from a person who never cared about your consent, never cared about you but themselves…” her words were true but again, I couldn’t help the way that I was feeling. 

It seems I couldn’t stop being a murderer. 

It was breaking my heart, looking at these two tablets that were going to end it all. The abortion tablets I’d asked Reeva to get for me at the doctor because I couldn’t go myself. It seemed easier, and now she told me that it would take 1-4 hours for them to kick in and I’d lose the child. My first child…

It’d been my decision, in the few days that I’d been here, I realised that I wanted nothing tying me to the man that I’d left for dead. “It’s hard,” I finally let out in a wobbly voice, swallowing my tears and blinking my eyes as I turned to face her. “I hate that I’m going to lose the first child that I was going to have…and, and…” I couldn’t stop the tears that flowed and the cries that followed, “I’d wanted it to be so special the first time I had a baby, and he’s taken that away from me,” Reeva pulled me into her arms, pressing my face into her shoulder as I cried.

She comforted me, rocking us back and forth slowly, she whispered, “it’s going to be okay…” in my ear, her tone one of love and care that I’d only experienced a handful of times in my life. She seemed to always smell of her Chanel perfume, and even though I’d always hated Chanel perfumes, I’d become particularly fond of this one. Her hugs, her scent, everything, it made me feel like everything was going to be okay. 

I sniffled, calming down a bit and then pulling my face away from her shoulder. I leaned back in the old plastic chair, “you’ve done so much for me, Reeva,” I said with thick emotion in my voice, hiccupping as my other hand unconsciously made its way to my stomach where there wasn’t even a bump as of yet, Dr Ahmed had said that I was going to show at week 12 of my pregnancy, most likely. It was still an early pregnancy so an abortion wasn’t going to be as difficult. “You left your job, your home…” I thought about all that she’d done for me. 

She smiled, “I can’t just sit back and watch as a friend of mine goes through something as scary as that was.” She explained, “And it’s fine, Ricky had some contacts in Botswana, so it wasn’t too much of a hassle. Besides, what’s a few more weeks in Botswana for me? I’m going to stay with you until you get back on your feet. Ricky’s already organised a job for you, so…you’ll be okay, you’ll be okay. It’s a nice job, in corporate, nice little cubicle, smart casual work attire, no…no weirdo’s, I promise.” 

I nodded my head, feeling my heart race in nerves at the whole thought of being left alone in a new country. I licked my lips, silent, as I reached for the glass of water and took it in my hand. I looked at the tablets and then put them on my tongue, placing the glass to my lips and drinking from it, swallowing the tablets that sealed my fate. “New beginnings,” I said, pulling the glass of water away from my lips, “new country, new place,” I looked around the apartment that didn’t have any furniture because we’d come in here at the last moment, but Ricky had bought a nice and fancy couch and bean bag chairs for the living room, perfectly fitting into the two bedroom flat. “You…er…you heard anything yet from anyone at the office?” I asked her, finally letting myself ask her the question that had been eating at me. 

She shook her head, pulling her knees to under her chin, “no. Actually, I cut all contact with everyone there. I threw my phone, emptied my flat, and called it a day. I think…I don’t want to be in that environment anymore, and I don’t want to be in that place or associated with any of those people.” 

“So, what are you and Ricky going to do after I’ve gotten on my feet? Where are you guys going to go?” 

She shrugged, “I don’t know really, we don’t have it figured out as much as you do. Maybe Durban? Live by the ocean, get a nice flat there? I don’t know, or Cape Town, it’s just really expensive there. But the beaches are nice, restaurants are super cool too…so either one. I just like water, that’s all.” She laughed lightly, closing her eyes and then looking at me. 

“You and Ricky are so…perfectly made for each other. I don’t know many people who’d do what he’s done for me,” I began to play with my fingers nervously, wondering if the pain was going to be immediate. I wondered how painful this abortion was going to be, but I was glad that Reeva said she’d spend the day with me, and even more grateful that Ricky had left, leaving us alone for the day and would be back some time in the night. At least, I wouldn’t go through it alone. 

“He’s just a good person, Zama, has a good heart, and wants to help people as much as he can. You’re our friend, and he and I do whatever we can for our friends. You needed our help, and we were going to be there for you, in whichever way that was necessary.” 

“…thank you, Reeva.” 

She smiled at me, nodding her head, “anytime.” She answered me. 

I pursed my lips and swallowed, “I think I want to lay down for now,” I told her, “be alone before…before the tablets kick in.” I explained with a dry mouth and she nodded her head, her eyes shining at me with sympathy. I stood from the table, the plastic chair screeching on the tiled floors. I let out a long breath, walking away from the table before Reeva called me back. 

“Zama.” 

“Yeah?” I asked, turning my head to look at her. 

“I think you’re the strongest person out here. You’re more than what you went through, and more than what you’re going through,” she told me, her eyes shining into mine with earnest. “…you’re not a bad person. You were with a bad person, you dealt with bad people, but you…you’re not a bad person.” 

I nodded my head, lips still pursed, “…tell that to my heart, then.” I turned and walked away, walking into my room and closing the door behind me.