Jema

Be Quiet {Six (MAJOR Trigger Warning)}

Trigger Warning Big Time: sexual abuse. Please do not hesitate to message me if you would like a quick and far less descriptive version of this flashback. It was very difficult for me to write this flashback, and again, it does not matter if you skip over it. Life isn't sugar coated, and neither is this story if you've been reading up to this point. Thank you.

It's my birthday. It's raining outside.

It never rains, really. I like the smell of rain, and the way it feels when it falls on my skin. I want to go outside. I want to play in the tall grass over by Mrs. O'Henry's house and splash in mud puddles with her dogs and finally wear my rain boots that are too small for Corey but they're mine now. Happy Birthday to me.

Corey got new boots, and Dennis got my old ones. They're wearing them now. Outside.

I'm not outside. Mr. Santino won't let me go.

I wish Mom and Rob weren't planning a 'surprise' party for me. I already know about it. I should've just told them I knew about it so they wouldn't drop us off over at Mr. Santino's house. I always think too late.

I did something bad today; I dropped a bowl of sugar that we were going to use for making cookies for my birthday. Mr. Santino said he wasn't angry with me, but I know he was. That's why I'm inside, not playing with my brothers.

I only dropped the bowl because I was scared. Mr. Santino put his hands on my hips and it scared me. When I tried to tell him why, he just shook his head, swept up the sugar, and told Dennis and Corey to go ahead outside; he'd make the cookies himself.

I have stayed by the window, watching Dennis try to catch a frog that hops by the street. I think if I stay where they can see me, Mr. Santino won't bother me. I really really hope that works today.

He's baking cookies in the kitchen, like he said. I pretend I'm outside in the black boots, splashing in the puddles. I'm pretending so hard, I don't notice when he steps into the living room. Then I keep right on pretending I don't notice him, and stare outside through the big, open window.

My heart hurts, though, because it's beating so fast. My head starts to hurt a little, too. I feel my shoulders start to shake with my nervousness. Before I know it, I feel him sit behind me on the couch. It's my birthday it's my birthday it's my birthday-

"Jema." His voice makes me jump and it shouldn't. I should be used to his voice I think. I don't say anything. "Corbin."

"Yes?"

"Look at me. I want to ask you a question," Mr. Santino says. He closes the curtains so it's dark in the room. I slowly turn around and sit down. "Look at me. Why did you drop that bowl today?"

"I didn't mean to."

"I think you did it on purpose, Jema. I think that because it's your tenth birthday, you wanted to act out. Do you think that's fair?" Mr. Santino takes off his glasses and places his hand on my leg. I shake my head 'no'. "I don't think it's fair, either. What are we going to do about this?"

"I..." I don't know what to say. I just can't forget the last time I was punished...

"You know what?" Mr. Santino says, sliding his big hand up my leg. Don't cry, Jema. Don't cry... "I think you don't respect me. You are very disrespectful, and it makes me so sad. It's your birthday, Jema, and you're still being so rude."

"I'm so sorry. I'll never ever ever be rude again I promise," I say, keeping my voice still, trying not to be afraid. I'm so afraid. Mr. Santino shakes his head and reaches for my wrists. "Wait! Wait, I have to tell Corey something," I lie. I don't know what to do so I'm lying. I rush for the door, but Mr. Santino grabs my arm and then my waist. "Please please no I have to talk to Corey please-"

"You are not being respectful-" Mr. Santino yanks me backward, so I fall and land on him. "Jema, stop fighting with me."

"I need to talk to my brother please pl-ah!" He's never ever slapped me across the face before.

"I didn't want to do that, Corbin Jeremiah Eckart, but now you've made me angry," he grunts. Before I know it, he's dragging me downstairs, and I don't stop kicking and swinging my fists. He's so mad at me. He's so mad at me- "Be fucking quiet," he hisses.

He said the 'f' word.

I immediately stop yelling, and he puts his hand over my mouth. "Good boy. Now, we're going to go into that room, and you're going to be a quiet, sweet boy like you are right now." He doesn't take his big hand off my mouth. I give up. He's going to touch me again and again all over and there's nothing I can do to stop him.

I think of my new boots.

Mr. Santino takes off my pants slowly.

It's my birthday today.

It hurts so bad it hurts so bad he's never done this to me before what is he doing-

I love the rain; I love the puddles.

I bite my teeth closed as the tears run down my cheeks but I'm being quiet. I'm being a quiet good boy. It hurts so bad but I don't say anything. He breathes heavy and hard with his hands on my hips but I don't dare look back.

I can't wait for my surprise party.

It feels like it's been my whole life he's been doing this to me. What did he do to me? He steps away from me. I can see in the tiny television screen that he puts his pants on. He leaves the room. Ugh it stings when I move but I don't dare move too much. My bottom hurts so bad and whenever I breathe it hurts too. Please make it stop please please. I reach my hand back because it feels like it stings hot and it's wet...

Why am I bleeding?

Mr. Santino comes back in the room with tissues and a washcloth and a small bucket of water. "You were such a good, quiet boy today. Would you like a cookie first?"

I nod my head yes.

Happy birthday to me.