Desolation

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

I must have been staring at the wall across the room for what felt like hours before I snapped myself out of the apathetic state, I had been trapped in for a couple of days now. It had left me feeling paralyzed and imprisoned inside a fortress made of my thoughts while I watched the sun rise and set without ever so much as moving a single muscle. I just withered away, both mentally and physically, while my body formed a permanent imprint on my mattress. It was quite pathetic, really, but nothing new.

The gritty, burning feeling inside my eyes and the sudden onset of a rather irritating headache seemed to confirm my suspicions, further cemented by the dryness inside my mouth. All of these were accompanied by the taste of musky cellar tiles, encasing my tongue like a twisted version of fried chicken skin. I was so dehydrated; my tongue was sticking to the roof of my mouth, yet I just could not gather the strength to fix any of these issues. My limbs felt like they were buried underneath the tons of water I was craving.

I blinked like a sleepy owl, reintroducing moisture to my eyes as I sighed heavily before reaching up to scratch my stubbly jaw, tending to the itch that threatened to drive me mad. A few chip crumbs fell off, raining onto the mattress next to me while I sniffed back my snot. I had developed a rash from failing to properly dispose of my snacks like the trash goblin I was. I slept on the air-dried pieces and did not wash my face afterwards, leading to it becoming increasingly inflamed the more I let it go on untreated.

Taking care of my needs had faded into the background along with my will to put up with the outside world and its obligations. It just seemed unreachable compared to the struggles I faced every time I attempted to get out of bed. If I could not motivate myself to get out of bed, how was I possibly going to shower, put on clothes, and put on the mask I carried with me every day? I turned onto my back, fighting the duvet that covered my body before I groaned, draping my arm over my tired face.

As exhausted as I was, I could not sleep. I just laid there, staring at nothing while my thoughts were running in circles until I could not take it anymore. My brain dug up memories I had long suppressed in an attempt to torture me with a remix of the greatest mistakes of my past. It featured hits such as watching the blood spill from slit throats, hate filled grimaces chasing me through the night and feeling my vertebrae being ripped from my back one by one. I just wanted to get some rest.

No matter how long I closed my eyes, no matter how thoroughly I prepped myself for the night, and tried to relax my tense muscles, I simply laid awake until the new day settled in eventually. Both my body and my soul were exhausted beyond belief, craving the end of the agony that plagued my existence. I had been chasing precious seconds of rest for longer than I could remember, grasping at everything and anything that promised relief and it left me defeated and irritable.

Medication did nothing. If I was lucky, nothing changed, and I just popped one fun colored pill after the other while my kidneys went into overdrive. If I was particularly unlucky, the side effects stacked like a messed up Jenga tower, just waiting to kick my sorry ass. Insomnia already stole my will to live daily, leaving behind an empty husk. Headaches, mood swings and trouble concentrating did not help me cope, it just made an already unbearable situation slightly worse.

On the rare occasions that I did fall asleep due to utter exhaustion, I woke up even more tired than before nodding off. Mere minutes after I passed out, I startled myself awake, gasping for air. Countless, never-ending nightmares haunted my dreams, convincing me I had to fight for my life which made it impossible to get even the resemblance of restful sleep. It felt like the universe was mocking me, tempting me by dangling the prospect of sweet slumber right in front of my face before snatching it right back.