Love & War (Soukoku and Fyoya)

In Which Chuuya Visits The Agency

(A/n: I'M SO SORRY FOR NOT POSTING LATELY! Because it's summer break for me my parents have been dragging me around I've tried working on some stories but my parents want me to spend less time on my devices and start doing activities that don't involve electronic devices!)

Chuuya Nakahara has blood on his hands. He has killed, and he has long accepted that. Chuuya was not human, nothing more than the vessel of a god. No matter what Chuuya did, he could not change that truth. For The Tainted Sorrow was not his Gift, but the result of his bond with Arahabaki. Anything that Chuuya felt- or thought that he felt- was not real.

Chuuya was an executive in the Port Mafia. He found his purpose with the Mafia, made his own home while using Arahabaki rather than vice versa.

Chuuya was loyal. The Port Mafia was his home, his friends also members. He cared about Ozaki Kouyou, who he had begun viewing as his sister. Chuuya and Mori had become confidants, with Mori sometimes taking on a fatherly role in Chuuya's life since he was fifteen.

Despite that, Chuuya knew he was nothing but mere artillery for the Port Mafia. Corruption made Chuuya the most valuable piece on the Port Mafia chessboard. Mori could manoeuvre his "knight" in whichever direction he deemed necessary, and Chuuya would blindly follow. Mori was aware of this, and often gave Chuuya more classified assignments, directly from his office.

That is why Mori and Chuuya became as close as they were. Chuuya had never cared about the status or the payday. He simply wished that he would find his home and find his purpose. Mori had given Chuuya that. Dazai had given him that.

Whenever Chuuya thought about his former partner, Osamu Dazai, his stomach twisted into inexplicable knots. The boss had prepared the Port Mafia for Dazai, prepared Dazai for the Port Mafia. Dazai had been Mori's successor, mere years away from receiving Mori's status and influence. When Oda Sakunosuke died, Dazai changed. He abandoned the Port Mafia- abandoned Chuuya- his home.

Somehow, from an angle, Chuuya could understand why Dazai left. Mori could be cruel, ruthless. Dazai had been raised for that, his blood Port Mafia black. Why could Dazai not just have accepted that was his life, like Chuuya had?

The evening that Dazai left, Chuuya felt numb, though it been rage. Dazai had left Chuuya without the safety of No Longer Human; Mori would use Corruption, if he deemed it necessary. Chuuya would gladly do it, too. Dazai was aware of that- and he left Chuuya alone anyway. That made the rage boiling beneath his skin steam.

Just like steam, it faded. Just like steam, it was quickly forgotten about. It became insignificant. When the Sheep left, Dazai had brought Chuuya home. Dazai had given Chuuya purpose. He could forgive Dazai.

By "forgive Dazai", Chuuya meant "forget about Dazai." That was the only way Chuuya could move forward. In the end, Chuuya supposed that he was not entitled with feelings of his own. Anything Chuuya felt for Dazai had been false, an illusion of his mind's own design. Chuuya's wished that he had an ounce of humanity. Every single day, Chuuya carried out the assignments Mori gave him, further evidence that Chuuya was nothing more than an agent of death, an agent of corruption. Not human.

When Chuuya was sixteen, he found his eyes focused on Dazai's lips. Chuuya wondered how soft and warm Dazai's lips would be if he them pressed against his own. Fortunately for Chuuya, Dazai had never noticed. Chuuya pushed the thoughts from his mind whenever they came. Dazai would never reciprocate, even if Chuuya could say that he loved Dazai. Chuuya was not a pessimist considering these things- he has always thought of himself as a realist. Realistically, Dazai could not reciprocate feelings that did not and could not exist.