Love & War (Soukoku and Fyoya)

In Which Chuuya Learns The Truth

Fyodor stoned himself, silently reminding himself that Chuuya was simply the bonus- the cause takes precedence.

"Chuuya, I am not sure that I know who you mean," Fyodor replied, beaming sweetly. "But I hope that he returns safely-"

"Cut the shit," Chuuya said, pulling away from Fyodor. "You forget that I have spent enough time around Dazai that I can tell the difference between insincere words and honest ones. Fyodor, tell me what the hell is going on."

"Do you not trust me?" Fyodor asked.

Silence.

"That hurts," Fyodor said, sighing.

"Give me one reason that I should trust you," Chuuya replied, "and I will. Trust is not freely given- it is earned."

Fyodor had respect for Chuuya. It quickly became clear that Chuuya would only accept the truth.

"Dazai was in the way," Fyodor replied, shrugging. "I simply eliminated an obstacle."

"In the way of what?" Chuuya asked softly.

"Of my grand plan," Fyodor answered. "Eliminating Gifts. It would make this cruel world safer."

"Eliminating Gifts?" Chuuya repeated. "Are you insane? How is the even possible?"

"Using Arahabaki, I can do it. I just need your help, Chuuya."

"Okay," Chuuya muttered, "but why did you take Dazai? It does not make any-"

"Oh, him." Fyodor rolled his eyes. "I took him as leverage against at you." Chuuya had an expression of pain on his face. "Every word I ever said was true. I never lied. Withheld some truth, yes, but never lied."

Chuuya felt oddly better- Dazai had not abandoned him. Another feeling soon consumed Chuuya; regret. Regret that he had not protected Dazai from Fyodor and Mori. Chuuya saw his own hatred reflected in the mirror whenever he looked into it. Chuuya was cursed- the only two people he had ever thought about romantically were absolute madmen. Chuuya became still and unresponsive. Fyodor left without another word.

Kouyou had once suggested that Chuuya had trust issues- if so, it was entirely their fault.

When Mori called him the following day, Chuuya tore through his targets. He broke every wall he had set for himself, hoping that on the other side was the loss of pain he had longed for. No matter how much blood Chuuya had on his hands, it did not hurt any less.

Chuuya knew that tears could release the pain, but he was too far gone now for that. Sobbing was not something Chuuya could do. Chuuya had long waved any feelings from his mind. Why was he feeling these things so vividly?

As Fyodor left, he received a call from Nikolai. Nikolai was calm, reporting that Dazai had escaped and made his way back toward Yokohama. Fyodor sighed as he ended the call- it did not matter anyway. Fyodor no longer needed Dazai, not when he did not wish any harm on Chuuya; not anymore.

However, Fyodor wished that he could still have Chuuya. Fyodor knew it was the most selfish thing he could wish for, but he no longer cared. The more Fyodor pushed the idea of Chuuya being nothing but mere artillery, the means to an end, the less Fyodor leaned into it. Fyodor could not see Chuuya as something less that what he was- extraordinary. Fyodor refused the idea that he could let something so rare- so fragile- slip through his fingers- not when Fyodor was so close to holding that passion in the palm of his hand.

Two days later, Chuuya arrived home and found Dazai laying on the couch. After the surprised faded, Chuuya felt his heart shatter. Had he really been responsible for the situation Dazai was in? Chuuya knew that space was the greatest gift he could offer Dazai. Instead, Chuuya chose his own selfishness. He showered and found himself holding Dazai, like he had two months ago when this whole mess began. Chuuya felt himself sigh as tears formed in the back of his eyes. He began sobbing, tears of pure rage and pain.

"Oh, Dazai," Chuuya choked on the whispers as he spoke them into the nothingness. "I love you, but I cannot do this. I am not a hypocrite." He paused, exhaling softly. "I have people who need me, and when I am with you, I become single minded. I feel my control slowly failing everyday. Because of that, I cannot hold you like this. Not again."

Dazai had been awake since Chuuya had begun holding him- the pressure had triggered him. Dazai felt numb. Chuuya was making these choices without him? Dazai tightened his hold on Chuuya and Chuuya audibly gasped.

"Dazai?" Chuuya whispered. "You were you awake this whole time? You bastard."

"If this is the last time I can be with you like this," Dazai replied, exhausted. He yawned. "Can I kiss you?"

Chuuya was taken aback. Dazai had been held in captivity because of him- how could Dazai just push pass that so quickly? Like it had never happened? Guilt ate at Chuuya. He noticed that Dazai was only half awake.

"Fine," Chuuya mumbled as his face turned scarlet. "only because I feel like an ass for what happened."

Dazai chuckled tiredly. "Good," Dazai said, yawning again. "I guess you are an ass, like me. Just more proof that we are perfect for each other."

Dazai kissed him before Chuuya could argue. It did not matter- Chuuya was too tried for any more argument anyway. The kiss was faint and gentle. It seemed like time had froze in place. It was like an incredibly loud reminder of why Chuuya could not be with Dazai anymore. Chuuya silently noted that he should press for more details in the morning. Had Fyodor released him? Had Dazai escaped? Either seemed possible. Whatever had happened, Chuuya silently thanked whatever gods existed for Dazai, for his safety, for the fact that Chuuya could hold Dazai one last time.

"If I had never left the Mafia," Dazai said groggily, "I think we could have been something someday. Or is that just me being delusional?"

Chuuya considered the question thoughtfully.

"The funny thing is," Chuuya replied quietly, "I would have married you if you had stuck around."

Silence. Dazai had never before realized that Chuuya had loved Dazai more than Dazai had loved himself. The thought was laughable. The realization was like bullets piercing Dazai, because what Dazai had done four years ago was unforgivable. Yet, here Chuuya was, basically telling Dazai that he did not need anymore apologies- Chuuya forgave him. Chuuya had not even realized that he forgave Dazai until that moment.

Their eyes met. Dazai was silently grateful that his prayers had been answered, even if only for this final night together. Chuuya simply smiled solemnly. Dazai just stared. Chuuya was truly incredible.

Chuuya was exhausted and fell asleep. However, Dazai could not find rest again; he could not leave Chuuya, not again. Dazai felt his own resolve solidify- he would protect Chuuya, hold him again. Dazai knew that Chuuya could possibly mean that he lost the game- if the king falls, the game is over. Unlike before Chuuya returned into his life, Dazai could not be apathetic. His apathy was taught, rehearsed. Around Chuuya, that had done more harm than good.

Dazai loved Chuuya, but mostly, he loved the way that Chuuya humanized him. That is what Dazai could not lose, the feeling- the person- that made him feel alive. Dazai had forgotten how Chuuya had made him feel. With Chuuya, Dazai felt the desire that most people had for living. At fifteen years old, Chuuya had changed Dazai; Odasaku had changed Dazai. Dazai could not reach Odasaku, but he could reach Chuuya now. They had time.

Eventually, Dazai exhaled and fell asleep, limbs intertwined with Chuuya's.

(1248 Words)